Conversation

Kaylee surprised me by taking me to stores I frequented. We visited about every game, comic, and technology store in the mall. Kaylee even pretended to be interested in the various things inside. I knew what her true goal was. Paige’s birthday was also my birthday after all.

Any other time, I’d be thrilled that she was taking an interest in my hobbies. After last night, I felt like it was guilt driving her actions. It would explain why she was so clingy today. She knew things had gone too far last night. Yes, I didn’t stop her until we had passed the point of no return, but she was the one who crossed it. A common thread. It was like once she had something she enjoyed, she tunnel-visioned. She wasn’t satisfied until she hit the absolute limit of something. I knew this, and I didn't stop her until _after _she had crossed the line. Why couldn't I stop her before things got to the point where we both regretted it?

I think I was being too cynical thinking she was only taking me around to these stores to get gift ideas. A product of my general mood since last night. It lingered even after we left the mall and headed to grab something for lunch. We ended up sitting in the parking lot of the local shake place. It was a bit weird getting shakes on such a cold day, but we shared a fry and chicken tenders as we slowly sucked down our frozen treats. Considering we hadn’t gone inside and were sitting in silence in the car, I knew she was desperate to talk about last night but didn’t want to push me. I think she was hoping the privacy of the car would get me to open up.

Staring down at my half-gone shake, I gave it a stir. There was no use delaying this anymore. “I guess now is as good a time as any.”

“About last night?”

“Yeah.”

She shifted in her seat, turning towards me. Her eyes slid down as she spoke. “I went too far. I’m sorry.”

“You tend to do that.”

“I know. Next time—”

“There won’t be a next time.”

She looked up at me in surprise. “What?” I said nothing. I wasn’t going to repeat myself. She knew damn well what I said. “If it’s because of what I said—”

“It is.” She flinched at my hard tone. “I get that it excites you and I can understand how some people enjoy that, but I don’t want to be that person.”

“What if I—”

“No,” I said with a firm tone, not letting her finish. “I have bent and twisted myself far more than I ever thought I could to fit myself into this relationship. You want to sleep with other guys? Fine, I can live with that. You want to enjoy the physicality of being with those guys more than being with me? I’m fine with that too. That though?” I shook my head. “No. I will not listen to you eroticize your time with your other partners. If the current guy you are screwing gives you so many back-to-back, toe-curling orgasms that you can’t think straight—great. Fantastic. I’m happy you found someone able to give you that. That doesn’t mean I want to be a part of it. You bringing me into that was too much.”

“I’m not doing that.”

“Maybe it’s not your intention, but it comes off that way to me. When you are sitting there telling me about how great a guy is fucking you, then tell me you were thinking about me the entire time he was doing it doesn’t make me feel appreciated or loved. It makes me feel god damn useless. All I can hear is you saying, ‘I sure wish my boyfriend could fuck me like this.’ But I can’t. You said as much multiple times.” She opened her mouth to say something but I cut her off. I wanted to get it all off my chest before I lost the nerve.

“I get it. I scratch another itch for you. It still might take me a bit to fully accept that, but it’s something I am willing to work towards. And this doesn’t mean we are going to turn this into an, ‘out of sight, out of mind.’ I’ve listened to you talk about being with other guys before. You want to complain about something? I’m always willing to lend an ear. Want to brag, gush, or just get something off your chest? I can handle that. You can talk to me about anything and I will listen. What I won’t accept is you trying to get me to encourage you to do it more often. To make me excited to hear about your next exploit so that I can get wrapped into it as well.”

“That wasn’t what I was trying to do!”

“Intentional or not, the end result is the same. You are linking your experiences with other men to me. You want me to share in your enjoyment of other guys. I cannot accept that. I will not accept that. Outside of our bedroom, you do what you need to do. Inside, you are with me and only me. I can’t handle the emotional chaos like last night.”

“Chaos?”

I nodded. “It was too much.”

Shifting in her seat, her shake was forgotten in her hand as she stared intently at me. “Too much?”

I debated omitting the truth that a part of me enjoyed listening to her talk about her experience with Charles. It was the same part of me that enjoyed watching her with Sean, Adam, and all the videos I’d seen of her with other guys. But omitting that would come with consequences—just like telling her would. If I had to pick which one I would rather find out the consequences for, I needed to tell her.

I took a breath as I gathered my resolve. “There was a part of me that enjoyed last night.” There. I’d admitted it. “It’s that same part of me that can’t take my eyes off you when watching you with another guy. There is an excitement there I can’t resist.”

A smile formed on Kaylee’s face. It was a subtle shift in her posture, but I could see a glimmer of hope in her eye. “I figured. There was always this look in your eye when—”

“Which is why we can’t keep doing this.”

The smile morphed into a confused look. “But you said you enjoyed it.”

“I said a part of me enjoyed it.” I took a breath to calm myself. “I don’t know. Maybe I’m more like William than I’m comfortable admitting.”

“Is that a bad thing?” she asked in a soft voice.

“Yes.”

She gently bit her lip, weighing her words. “Why?” It seemed she nixed what she was going to say for the simple question.

“Because listening or watching you with another guy—at least the way you want me to—turns me into an emotional wreck. Sure, there is enjoyment in the moment, but taking pleasure with what I'm seeing... the emotional pain lingers long after the present turns to past.” I bought some time thinking of my next words by running my hand over my mouth. “Seeing you with another guy, losing yourself to lust and pleasure, it’s intoxicating and unbelievably hot. But when it's mixed with pleasure, it’s like I have no control over my feelings. They all just swirl together and make me feel horrible.”

She took a breath, letting my words sink in. “This is so confusing. I feel like I’m getting mixed messages here. You like watching me with other guys, but you hate it?”

I paused, weighing how to respond. “Would you like it if I got off watching you with other guys?”

She seemed surprised by that question. Her expression turned serious as she contemplated my question. “I’d be lying if I said the whole thing wasn't a massive turn-on.”

“How about I watch you with other guys exclusively? You wouldn’t have to have sex with me anymore and you could sleep with any guy you wanted.”

“Absolutely not!” she said with surprising fervor. “Why the hell would I want that? No way. Is that what you think I want?”

Hearing that relieved me more than I expected. There was always a lingering fear that she didn’t really enjoy our intimate moments together, but hearing the passion in her voice there silenced any doubt.

“The core of this all is that I don’t want to get off to watching or hearing about you with other guys. I… can’t handle that. At least not like last night.”

“But you are okay with watching or me talking about it?”

“I think so.”

She was quiet for a moment, absorbing everything—or at least I hoped she was. I felt like I couldn’t describe it well enough.

“I think I understand what you are saying.” When I let out a breath, I could feel some of the tension in my shoulders fade. “As much as I loved having you watch me with other guys, I remember how dangerous that can be and how the wrong words can hurt. There are other enjoyable things we can do together other than forcing you to do something you only partially enjoy in the hopes it gets better later. I’m happy where we are now. We’ll discover more in time as we grow more comfortable with each other and our relationship.”

I couldn’t speak for a moment as I let myself sink back into the seat. For a moment, I worried that she would push me on this. I believed in Kaylee, but the fear had still been real. That she would pick her own needs over the one she said she loved. Her answer proved that Kaylee was still the Kaylee I fell in love with. Maybe we weren’t perfectly aligned in our needs and desires, but we still cared about each other and were willing to bend a little.

“What else?” she asked with a half-grin.

“Why do you think there is something else?”

“Because that’s usually the case with you. It takes forever to get you to open up, but when I finally do manage, it’s like breaking a dam.”

I sighed. As much as I wanted to deny her, in this particular case, she was right. “Okay then. This kinda applies to me keeping watch of your activities too. You are a grown woman and don’t need a babysitter telling you what you should and should not do. You tell me to trust you, but how can I do that when you ask me to police you because, ‘you know how I am?’”

This time, she seemed genuinely worried. “How do I know if I’m taking things too far?”

“I don’t know. Honestly. I don’t know. What do you think is, ‘too far?’ Twice a week? Three? Every other day? Maybe he’ll be your morning or afternoon fun and you can finish off the day by spending time with me.” She looked unhappy as I continued. “I’m not going to put a number or condition on things so you can go right up to the line and be happy you didn’t cross it. You said this relationship is important to you. Well, this is one of those moments where you prove it.”

She sighed. “I’d feel a lot better if things were more clear cut but… I understand.”

I spun my straw around what was left of my shake, watching the whipped cream slowly blend into the pink strawberry. What was left was a loss. A milky slurry of melted sugar and artificial flavor. After a long pause, I broke the silence. “I’m curious though. What do you see as your perfect relationship?”

“Huh?”

“The perfect relationship. Drop the rules, conditions, consideration of me, all of that. Everything you want our relationship to be… What does that look like to you?”

She was silent for a moment, but not nearly as long as I thought she would be. “I guess… normal things? Love and respect. Doing things together. Having fun. Living life…”

“Come on. I know you have specific things. We graduate high school and things continue to work out. What does college and beyond look like? Remember, no rules or agreements. This is everything exactly as you want.”

She squirmed in her seat, giving me furtive glances. “Okay…” She took a deep breath. “College is…” She trailed off as she looked at me. I kept my face neutral as I waited for her to continue.