Concern and shame

“Jesus, forgive me.” I only hear Alison's whisper because I am draped across her but the pain and confusion in her voice is unmistakable. “I'm a whore and sinner.” I prop myself up on my elbow to take a little pressure off of her chest while I try to figure out what to say. She uses the extra space to catch her breath, and I realize that I am breathing just as hard as she is. I am still inside her and feel her vagina squeezing my cock milking every last drop of cum from my slowly deflating member. Alison too must feel the hot cum inside her because she jerks to pull free.

“Are you sure it's safe? I can't get an abortion, Mr. P.” Alison's right hand curls protectively around her abdomen, her voice a hushed whisper, “my belly will swell, and everyone will know how I fornicated.” For a just a second, I wish I could see her belly growing with my child, but I remind her of the circumstances.

“I know, Angel - but I look,” I pull off the comdom and show her, “You're OK.”

“Oh.” Is it my imagination or does she sound disappointed? An awkward minute passes in silence and then I see she has buried her face in her hands.

“I've never had an orgasm like that.” I thought Alison would be blown away by my skillful loving, but if anything, she is distraught by her uninhibited response. “I'm so embarrassed, Mr. P, what we did was wrong, but I got so excited I couldn't help myself.”

“Good sex is never something to be embarrassed about, Angel.” I try to keep my voice smooth and easy as I calm her down.

“Good sex?” Alison seems to pounce on my word, “What is good about being held in place and used?” I should have realized that a sheltered young woman like Alison would feel uncomfortable with these fantasies of control and domination. Before I can explain that I was reading her responses and trying to bring her to the fullest climax I could, Alison confirms that she knew it was what she needed. “Why is it that the more I feel like I am being ****, the better it feels?” She takes my hands in hers and searches my eyes for answers and reassurance. “My very first climax came when I had read about Saint Ursula being captured and **** by the barbarians. What kind of sick person gets excited by that?”

“I'm sorry.” I'm having trouble following this shift in the conversation. “What was that about Saint Ursula?”

“Have you ever heard of St. Ursula?” When I shake my head, she smiles sadly. “Our school library was strictly PG, Mr. P.” she explains, “no young adult romances and certainly nothing with any sex in it.” Her voice is hushed but the words are clear enough as she goes on. “But I found a book on the lives of saints.” She tells me about how Ursula, a Saxon Princess, was on a pilgrimage to Rome with an escort of 111 virgins when she somehow ended up in the besieged city of Cologne when it fell to the Huns.

“The book said the barbarian king thrust Ursula through with his lance, killing her and making her a martyr to the faith.” She smiles shyly, “Even as young and sheltered as I was, it was impossible for me not to understand what ‘thrust through with a lance’ must have meant back in those dark times.” As sheltered as this girl’s upbringing was, picking up on the double entendre, showed she was pretty bright despite her stunted education, I turn my attention back to what she is saying.

“That night, I lay awake obsessing about the fate of Ursula and all the other poor Christian maidens in that fallen city.” Alison crosses her legs and covers her mound with her hands. “In the dark when all my family was asleep, I pressed my legs together, and protected my holy of holies with my hands like this.” She covers her sex with her hands, pressing her fingers firmly between her clenched thighs, and I smile broadly at her as she goes on. “I felt excitement building inside me, and when I couldn't hold back, I spread my legs and imagined that it was me that the lance was piercing.”

“I didn't even know at the time that I had an orgasm.” Alison's voice cracks bitterly, “I thought I had experienced a holy epiphany, like Sister Alice said I would if I prayed with enough devotion.” After a second, she wiped the tears from her cheek. “You see, Mr. P? I got off imagining I was being defiled by a pagan barbarian. I'm a sick freak.”

“That's not that unusual, Honey.” I squeeze her hands firmly, “I promise. There are whole series of books written about innocent young women being enslaved and trained by men to pleasure them.” Her eyes lift to find mine again.

“Really?” The open skepticism on her expressive face makes me smile.

“Really, Angel.” I pull her into my arms and cradle her trembling figure. “And it's not just men who are excited by fantasies of control either.” I lift away a strand of sweaty hair and brush her lips with my thumb. “Porn isn't just for men you know.”

“I could never read pornography, Mr. P.” Alison is clearly not convinced by my argument. “What would boys think if they ever found out. How could I ever be a mother or wife if all I can think about are these awful things?”

“Oh Angel,” I give her another quick hug, “when you find the right man, you're going to make him very happy.” Once again, I seem to have touched a sore spot, because her gaze drops to her hands that are twisting together on her lap.

“Not that it matters any more anyways. What kind of man would even want a ruined sinner like me?” The pain in her words is palatable and I wonder how she could even doubt herself like that. At this very college, I am sure that there are over a hundred young men right now who would love to be in my place, and who would treat her better than what I'm doing and certainly much better than that asshole, Dick.

“You're not ruined, Angel.” I tell her, “Just because your legs have been spread by another man, doesn't change how smart, caring and beautiful you are, besides a lot of men like women who aren't afraid of sex.” Her eyes find mine again and I can see the gears turning in her mind as she goes over this completely different world view than what she has been taught.

I don't know if I've convinced her or not, but at least she's not rejecting the arguments out of hand.

“Come here, Angel,” I pull her gently down into my arms until I am spooning her soft naked body, “Let's just lie here and enjoy each other's company.”