Who's our lucky master?

Christopher Philips (Chris), 32-year-old Ecologist. Harem Hotel Goes Camping.

In a forest, a man in long cargo pants tucks into his socks, seemingly wandering aimlessly. He blindly throws a square made out of the thinnest PVC piping and elbows. That will be my sampling location, he thinks. He looks at where it landed and starts whacking his dragnet across it. Let's see what I find. Opening the net, he starts putting all the small bugs and other arthropods inside containers in a large bin in a shaded area. Hearing a chirp from up in the branches, he looks up. With his camera, he takes a picture of the bird.

Looking at it, he says out loud: “Cypseloides niger... I think looking at it. Man, my camera can’t keep up with the speed of those wing flaps even in burst mode." Looking over the creeks and brooks, he notes, "I haven’t seen any waterfalls nearby. They must be migrating from one nesting ground to another. Will need to go in the impact report, though. Those asshats, over at Jackson and Sons development, will be happy to see it isn’t nesting here. Ryan will need to make a note of it though and recommend responses to minimise the impact on any migrating ones. Maybe a park corridor with a water catchment.”

Opening a laptop, he opens a spreadsheet labelled Project Site 2786 Species Catalogue. He navigates over from the invertebrates section to the birds and adds Cypseloides niger to the logs. He adds the insects, arachnids and more. He keeps cataloguing the species he has found until he has catalogued them all. Occasionally, taking a picture of an animal walking by, most of the time it is nosier deer or raccoons, but sometimes it is something interesting like a snake or a lizard who are shyer. This continues until late afternoon.

Hey, I have updated the spreadsheet with the data. I suggest you start looking into the impact of the project they propose on migrating Cypseloides niger. I hope the impact is minimal. The whining children are going to complain that we always find things to “ruin” their plans otherwise. Luckily for them, I have not found any other protected species for now. Will do my night run after dinner; I have the right light with me.

Finishing the message, he starts to cook on a small camping stove. Thinking to himself, this is the life, a job outdoors with plenty of activity, dinner outside, and returning home afterwards.

He starts thinking about his life choices for the hundredth time. "Am I glad that Ryan and I started this consultancy job together? Ryan does most of the research, and I do the fieldwork. I don’t complain that he has normal hours. He doesn’t care that I work in bursts."

They make our hours for each project. Next week, Chris would only be checking camera traps; the smaller critters don’t move that much in a week. The week after that, he would go, going here again for sampling like today. But that means next week, he will have practically free time. He only needs to check in the morning and do inventory on the species and compare to see who lives in the area more permanently.

A simple burger with some pickled onions and other things that keep well without being preserved ends up being his dinner.

Checking back on his phone, he sees a message from Ryan:

Ryan

You know that even if there are small impacts that lessen their bottom line, the bitch from Jackson and Sons complains. But you are correct that that is one of the species on our shortlist for vulnerable species in that area. Good that you spotted it, otherwise we would have been in trouble if they had found it out later. Now, if they simply add a fake river or other large water feature across the development. They can evade most of the costs. They need the drainage anyway. Should I inform them now?

No, they will not listen unless we have a full report. Remember when we tried to warn them two years ago?

Ryan

Yep, good point, Chris. They always complain, never actually think ahead. Had it been in their plan, our assessment would have been: “Yeah, but they have this large water feature across the development; this means they already have incorporated a response to the problems.” They need the drainage anyway. If they stocked it with local species, they might actually somewhat enrich the environment while destroying some of it.

You are forgetting that they want to tear up the local creeks. My fish survey is brutal. They need that waterway anyway. Why not just redirect the local streams, or better yet, work around them? None of their plan makes sense except for the efficiency of building. They could have seen coming that those creeks needed to be redirected in a way that ensures the fish can live. Gone are the days when that was not necessary.

Ryan

Yep.

After this exchange, Chris put on a timer with a birdcall as the alarm. Because he thought it was funny and could lure out a reaction. Starting to read a book by a green light, the book was old, read a thousand times, a second-hand copy of Gulliver's Travels. After the timer makes a birdcall of the Greater sage-grouse, sadly, hearing no response. He starts sampling again, walking back to his car. Sampling at least a dozen or more times as he goes. This process takes him another four hours, but otherwise, you don’t get a good night sample of species. He is glad he did. He wouldn’t have found half of those slugs if he did it during the day. Some of those newts he needs to compare the pictures with reference images, to see what species they are. He does so at home before bed, after a shower and a thorough check for ticks. Having your pants in your socks helps, but doesn’t prevent them by a long shot. After confirming it isn’t a protected species, he goes to bed.

________________________________________

In a totally different forest with larger creeks ending in a lake with a large clearing next to a few large huts. An elf dressed in what can only be described as a park ranger uniform is making preparations. “Come on, I want to get this show on the road as soon as possible. Tents check, folding chairs check, decent deck chair with a good cushion check, cabin furnished check. Alexolyana, how are we on the backpacks with the basic tools and stuff?”

A elf dressed in an orange t-shirt with ‘HH-campgrounds’ emblazoned on it responds. “Six backpacks with phones, knives, hammers, axes, flint and steel, rope and flasks packed. All the potential weapons are enchanted to prevent harm to others and to let us know of the attack. I even added a minor enchantment to make the hammer go ‘bonk’ if it hits a human or elf. Ready for our campers, ma’am.”

“Good job. Initiative on the enchantments is appreciated. I think that we have all the things ready, or do you think I am forgetting something?” The elf dressed in the ranger uniform said.

“No, Lady Syldreth. The canteen is operational, and the bathhouse is ready as well. Activities can be planned and arranged as needed.” Alexolyana replies.

“Good, then let's start the show. Hello, ladies, gentlemen, gentlewomen, lads, lassos and anything in between. Welcome to a new season of Harem Hotel. This time we aren’t in a hotel, but we are instead camping out.” Syldreth says, waving around the campgrounds, which are currently still mostly empty. “The master will be staying in the only cabin on the ground. Whilst our contestants will be forced to set up their own tent. Let’s hope they know how to or dare to ask someone who does know for help. Don’t worry, all tents come with their instructions. Now let’s meet our master.” The show rolls B-roll from Chris working in the forest, looking at plants and animals, taking pictures.

Chris stands at the entrance of a campground, the scent of an old forest with lots of life wafting over him: fungi, dead leaves being crushed, lots of water, and lots of wildflowers. Where he is greeted by a woman with pointy ears, nonexistent chest, and decently wide hips, holding a clipboard. “Hello, let me check, Christopher Philips, I presume?”

He responds, “Yeah, that’s me?”

She cheerfully responds, “Good, then I didn’t screw up. My name is Alexolyana. But I heard that for humans, that might be hard, so you can just call me Alex. If you would follow me, my boss will explain everything once all our guests have arrived.”

She starts guiding him down a path past what seems to be a sanitary building, a canteen and finally a cabin. In front of which is a semi-circle with one normal deck chair flanked by 3 foldable canvas camping chairs on either side. She directs him to the deck chair. A different woman with pointy ears walks up to him. This time with at most a B-cup chest and more hips in a park ranger uniform. She says, “Hello Christopher, I am Syldreth, or you can call me Syl if you prefer, and you have been chosen to be the master in the new season of Harem Hotel. Harem Hotel Goes Camping, Care to introduce yourself to the audience?”

He asks, “What kind of weird dream is this? I never wanted a harem before. Why are there elves here? Who would I even put in my harem?”

“Can you answer the following questions: Who are you? What is your job? Hobbies? Last sexual encounter? Anything fun you want to add?” Syl asks.

Chris is magically compelled by the mic used by the host, responds, “I am Christopher Philips. I go by Chris most of the time, and I am 32 years old. I am half of an ecological consultancy firm. So if you need advice or an assessment of species in an area where you might want to build or something like that. I check what lives there, and Ryan does the data analysis and the advising. As for hobbies, whittling wood, reading, drawing and anything I can do during my wait times for surveying. Though my friends say I am mildly obsessed with my job. The last time I had sex was 5 years ago. Before I saw my ex, Missy, getting fucked by some muscle idiot in her apartment when I went to pick her up for a cup of coffee during one of my breaks. The biodiversity of the area around the campgrounds seems pretty large on first look from where I am standing.” He shakes his head afterwards.

“Wow, you weren’t kidding when you said you might be a tad work obsessed.” Syl quips at his idea of a fun thing to add.

“Do what your passion is, I suppose. How did you make me answer those questions?” He asks, realising how weird it is that he answered the questions.

“Magic.” She responds dryly. “But now let's introduce our first contestant.”