Captain Ireland

"Up the RA!"

You are Eugene O’Krabs, better known as Captain Ireland, hero of Northern Ireland and a proud veteran of the Provisional Irish Republican Army during the Troubles.

You possess the power to turn anything into a bomb and detonate it with a few muttered words in Gaelic. During the Troubles, you became a superhero, donning a beret, khakis, boots, and a balaclava, using your powers to resist the wretched British colonizers and free your beloved Ireland.

"Yoho, I’m a Provo!" you shouted, striking fear into the hearts of the wretched British, their treacherous collaborators, and the men from the Daily Mail.

You assassinated countless British politicians during the Troubles, blowing up their cars and houses. You also eliminated countless British soldiers and collaborators. To the colonizers, your name was a source of terror. But to the native sons and daughters of Ireland, you were their greatest defender and hero.

After years of fighting the British, you were finally wounded in an ambush and captured by the elite team put together by Maggie Thatcher herself specifically to defeat you. You were thrown into the Long Kesh, where you went on several hunger strikes to resist British tyranny, fighting even while wearing the chains of the oppressors. Your legend among the Irish only grew during your captivity, and you were even elected as a Member of Parliament while still behind bars.

After years in prison, you were finally freed as part of the Good Friday Agreement, returning to your people as their greatest hero and defender of Ireland.

For a time, you were **** to retire from being a superhero, as it was one of the conditions imposed by the British during the agreement. You opened a fast-food restaurant, becoming a restaurateur instead of a soldier. A jolly young lad named Bob, who worked as a fry cook, and a depressed cashier named Ward became your sole employees at the joint. You cultivated a reputation as a penny-pinching miser. But in reality, you were saving every coin for the struggle, knowing there would be another rising, Northern Ireland must be freed. You needed to raise funds to continue the fight for freedom and Irish unification. You used your fast-food restaurant as a cover for your Provisional IRA activities, pretending explosives were pies.

After enough years passed, you returned to your heroic activities openly, causing old Maggie Thatcher to drop dead from terror. "Ding dong, the witch is dead!" There was much celebration among the Irish when they learnt the news.

Now, still dressed in your khakis, beret, and balaclava, you fight crime and secret British government plots to destabilize Ireland as the greatest hero of Éire: Captain Ireland!

"Long live the Republic! Long live the IRA! Long live Captain Ireland!"