Better than he knows

I had worked in a retail store back in college. One of those popular ones in the mall that blared pop hits all day long. What most people don’t know is those playlists are anything but random. If you work there long enough they become nothing more than rote background noise, something that fades away and you stop realizing it exists until someone points it out or it disappears. I felt like the music that Melissa put on would end up exactly the same.

I had been skeptical when she suggested it. When the music started, I decided to try and just give it a chance in an effort to humor my wife. There was this slow dull thumping beat to it that really seemed to draw me in. Dum dum, dum dum, dum dum. It was almost like a heartbeat, in fact, I noticed that as I listened to it more closely, my heart started to match the beat. Thump thump, thump thump, thump thump. Sitting back in my chair, I closed my eyes and let the sounds carry me away.

I could feel the music through my whole body even if I only heard it coming through the small earbuds. After about five minutes, I was no longer filled with the anxiety I had been experiencing before. My body was loose, even the confining waist cincher seemed more comfortable. Surprisingly, that was when the voice began.

“Now that you are relaxed, let’s start our affirmations. Please repeat after me.” I wanted to sigh and refuse. Affirmations had always felt stupid. Just saying something over and over didn’t make it real. Of course, before today I would have said music couldn’t make me relax like this either. Deciding to give into the pressures of the day I opened my mind up and began to follow along.

“I am comfortable.” This seemed easy enough to say. Sure, I didn’t enjoy the clothes or wig I had on, but I was in my computer chair at home. I was comfortable enough. “I am comfortable.”

“I am safe.” Of course the affirmations would have something like this in it. It was one of those cold reading techniques. If they stated something that was always true, then it would resonate with everyone. Still, it was easy enough to follow along. “I am safe.”

“I am relaxed.” Wasn’t this the point of the music? Of course I felt more relaxed now. I wanted to feel frustrated at this one, but pushed that to the back of my mind as I spoke the words. “I am relaxed.”

“I trust those I love.” I do trust Melissa with my whole heart. I have always been the kind of guy that dove into relationships head first. I had been the first of us to say I love you to the other. I smiled as I spoke these words. “I trust those I love.”

“I will please those I love.” This was by far the oddest of the affirmations. I always wanted to please Melissa, so it wasn’t exactly wrong. I just wasn’t sure what it had to do with staying relaxed. “I will please those I love.”

The words began again, the same pattern, same speed, same intonation. With each repetition, I thought less and less about the reasons or qualifications for each statement. The music got just a bit louder and the words just a bit quieter till it all started to blend into one homogeneous sound. It was around this point that I felt like I could get into my work. Scrolling through the code, I sat there and worked. Whenever my mind would wander I would find myself working through the affirmations again.

“I am comfortable. I am safe. I am relaxed. I trust those I love. I will please those I love.” After a few rounds I was able to dive back into the work. The fact that I was still sitting there with a stuffed bra, a wig, and a made up face had fled my mind. Slowly, the way I was sitting began to feel more comfortable and less like something I was forcing my body to do. The balls of my feet rested against the floor, the heels raised up a few inches off the ground due to the height of the chair. My knees were held together at a perfect ninety degree angle. With my shoulders back and my chest pushed out, it made the stuffed bra stand out even more. The position did allow me to almost ignore the constricting pressure of the waist cincher as it focused on my more malleable body parts.