Best of Friends 33 - Confessions

Noah sat in his car in the parking lot, watching as wedding guests passed. He was waiting for his buzz to wear off. He was waiting for the shock to wear off. Mel had kissed him. Or, he had kissed Mel. His heart pooled with guilt. He rummaged for the words to say to Rachel, all the while asking himself how he could have done this to her. He glanced down at his phone, wondering if he should call her now.

But what words does he say?

I’m sorry, but I kissed a girl behind your back. Please forgive me?

No, that wasn’t good enough. Noah was a terrible human being. Allie had been right, Brian had been right. He didn’t deserve love. Because someone who deserved love would never do something like this. He was so confused. It was just a game, right? Why had she kept kissing him?

Why the hell did he start kissing her back?

Noah didn’t remember starting his car, or driving home, or making his way into his dorm room, or falling down on his bed face-first. All he could think about was how heartbroken Rachel would be. And, the inevitable reality of what was going to follow.

She would break up with him. There was no doubt about it. Tears welled in his eyes as his phone buzzed.

Rachel: hope the wedding is going good baaaabe miss u.

Another text quickly followed behind it, as if summoned by the first.

Mel: Hey, sorry again. I really did have a good time tho, text me when ur home safe :))

He stared at his inbox for a while. He didn’t understand Mel’s response. She seemed so casual. Perhaps that meant it wasn’t as big a deal as he thought. None of that mattered, however. He already knew what needed to be done.

Noah called Rachel.

“Hey, baby! How was the wedding?” She said.

Noah rolled onto his back and shut his eyes tight.

“It was uh… good,” He could barely stomach the words.

“Are you ok?” Rachel asked hesitantly.

“Uhm... no. Not really.”

Rachel went silent. It seemed like she already knew what he was about to say.

“What happened?” She sounded terrified. It made Noah sick. He forced the words out anyway.

“I uh, was dancing with Mel, and there was this game happening with an entertainer. He was going around the room doing bits and…”

“Yeah?”

“...He pointed to us... Mel and me... and told us to kiss. And we did.”

Rachel’s silence was worse than death.

“You kissed her?” The words came out as if Noah had stabbed her in the chest.

“I’m so sorry,” Noah said, fighting back the tears. “It was so stupid. I feel so awful.”

“How long?” Rachel’s voice was quivering now.

“It was just a second, and then after she kept kissing me and I pushed her off,” Noah said. “It was so stupid.”

Noah heard Rachel sniff. He covered his face in shame. But he wasn’t going to run from his mistake. Rachel deserved that much.

“If it’s a deal breaker,” he finally said. “I understand.”

“It’s… It’s not.”

Noah hated that he felt relief. He didn’t deserve a second chance. He remembered his mother staring at him in the kitchen, screaming because he had dropped the milk jug. He could feel it seeping into his pants.

“You are useless!” She screamed. “I do everything for you, and then you do this! Clean it up! CLEAN. IT. UP.”

He was doing it again. It was so simple. All he had to do was not kiss her. It was just like holding a jug. All he had to do was not drop it.

But he did anyway.

“I’m so sorry, Rachel.”

He heard Rachel laugh. He could tell she was beginning to cry. He had heard it so many times before.

“Don’t be,” Rachel said. “How could I be mad at you after everything I’ve done?”

“No, this is different, Rachel.”

“It isn’t,” she said. “I mean, yes, you should have asked first. But it happened, and we do things other couples don’t normally do and…” she trailed off.

“You still there?” Noah said.

“Yes, yeah.”

She paused again.

“Did… did you like it?” She asked.

Noah didn’t want to answer that question, and honestly, he didn’t know how to. It had been so different from anything that he had done with Rachel. Her lips felt different. Perhaps more full. But he had done it as a joke.

Why did he kiss her back?

“It had happened so fast,” he said.

“I know, but did you like it?”

Noah thought again. He hadn’t hated it. It was so quick. He was in shock. It wasn’t like he’d even anticipated it. Plus, they were drunk. He wanted to say those things, but every word felt like a trap.

He remembered Allison screaming at him when he got the boyfriend test wrong. She had set up her phone and asked him what he thought of her. And he had answered honestly.

“You are the most amazing woman in the world, and I love you!” He was smiling. This was his first relationship. He didn’t want to mess it up.

In response, Allison rolled her eyes and shook her head. “Are you fucking serious right now?”

Noah’s smile dimmed immediately. “Oh... sorry, I was supposed to...”

She cut him off, turned off the video, and didn’t talk to him the rest of the car ride home.

He never did find out how he was supposed to answer, but he so desperately wanted to answer right.

“Noah?”

“I don’t know,” he said.

Silence followed.

“Do… do you want to explore something with her? Like I’m doing?” Rachel asked.

“Absolutely not,” Noah said quickly.

“Noah. I’m serious.”

“And I’m being serious too.”

“No, you feel bad, and you’re saying what you think I want to hear.”

Her words stung. There was truth to them, yes. But he had also said the wrong thing, again. Why did he always say the wrong thing?

“Oh... sorry...” He felt ashamed. He hated himself. He never knew what to say.

“Am I wrong?”

“No, you're right,” Noah said. But he wasn’t sure if that was true. It just felt like it was the thing he was supposed to say. He wasn’t going to make excuses. He wasn’t going to take this away from Rachel. He wasn’t going to argue. And maybe part of him did want it. Why else would he have agreed to kiss her?

“Ok. So is that a yes?” Rachel asked.

Noah felt his lips go numb. He didn’t really understand how to process what she was saying. He thought back to that night. But only felt a wave of distorted emotions.

“I’m not sure. I wouldn’t want to do anything that would jeopardize this,” Noah said.

“That’s not what I’m asking.”

Every word Noah spoke fell out in clumps. It was broken, imperfect, embarrassing, and still wrong. He knew that’s not what she was asking. He knew that. He wasn’t trying to side-step the question. He just wanted her to know how he really felt. That he cared about her, that he only wanted her. But he didn’t want to say the wrong thing. He wouldn’t do that this time. He was going to get it right.

He had to get it right.

He had to.

Noah barely had anything left in him to go on. Before he could answer, Rachel let out a deep, shaking sigh.

“Look, I need to go. I… everything is ok. I just need some time,” Rachel said.

The pit in Noah’s stomach opened further.

“Alright. I am really sorry, Rachel.”

“It’s fine,” Rachel said. Her words came out quickly. It made Noah hesitate.

“I… I love you,” he said.

“… I love you too,” Rachel said quietly before hanging up. Noah rolled back on his bed and closed his eyes tightly.

And the world swallowed him whole.

- - -

Tears streamed down Rachel’s cheeks as her lips quivered. Noah had kissed her. He fucking kissed Mel. She rolled in her bed and fought the tears desperately. They won anyway. She promptly flipped through her phone, found Jackline’s number, and pressed call.

“Heeeeey seeester!!!” A voice shouted from the other line.

“H-hey,” Rachel said between tears.

“Hey,” Jackline’s voice softened. “Is everything ok?”

“Y-yeah. Everything’s Gooood,” Rachel said with a sobbing laugh. “How’s Virginia?”

“Boring. I miss you.”

Rachel nearly fell apart.

“I miss you too,” she whispered.

“What’s going on, Bitsy?”

“He kissed Mel,” Rachel said.

“No, Noah?!”

“Y-yes…” Rachel said.

“As in the bitch, Mel?”

“Yes! I hate her!” Rachel shouted, laughing between her tears. She reached for a tissue box on her desk and pulled it down, carefully dabbing her eyes.

“You have to break up with him, Rachel.”

Rachel shook her head. “No.”

“Rachel, I know you love him. But that’s cheating, babe.”

“No, you don’t understand it’s… complicated.”

“Ok, tell me how.” Jackeline’s voice was so gentle.

She always listened. She always took care to hear what Rachel was actually saying. Whenever Rachel felt lost, she was there. Every time her father yelled, every time her mother steamrolled over her, Jackeline would come into her room afterward and repair the damage. She had always been so strong. And now, even miles away, she was doing the same thing.

But even telling her this truth was hard.

“You promise you won’t get mad?” Rachel said.

“Of course!”

Rachel took a deep breath.

“Okay. Noah and I… we… well, I… with his blessing, maybe slept with a few other guys on campus.”

There was a brief pause.

“What?” Jackeline sounded as shocked as Rachel expected she would. She cleared her throat.

“I may have, you know, fooled around with a few boys…”

“Rachel…”

“With Noah’s blessing!”

“What the hell does that even mean?!”

“It means we talked about it and then we agreed to do it.”

“What!? With who?! Oh my god, is it someone I know?”

“Well… do you remember Jack and his friends?”

“No! Jack Buller?!”

“Yeah, that’s the one.”

“You fucked Jack Buller?!”

“Well, not yet, but his friend Ethan and Mike…”

“You fucked Ethan AND Mike?!!” Jackeline was shouting at this point. Clearly floored by what she was hearing. She had this way of being shocked that made Rachel feel safe. It wasn’t judgment or anger. But intrigue built on trust. Rachel hated to admit that it kind of made her feel good about herself. She was being wild. She was doing something most would never dare to do.

But the feeling was fleeting, soon giving way to a wave of guilt.

“Yeah…” Rachel said.

Jackeline went silent again.

“And... Noah is ok with this?”

“Yes. He even watches… And we had a threesome with Mike.”

“What the fuck!? How did you get so lucky!? I wanted to fuck Mike, Rachel!!”

Rachel laughed loudly. It felt good to let the tension wash away.

“You’re a little freak,” Jackeline said.

“I knooooow,” Rachel replied with a laugh.

“A threesome?! You had a threesome before me?!”

They both laughed again.

“Yes, seester, a threesome,” Rachel confirmed.

“Oh my god dad would die if he heard.”

“I know!” Rachel said with a snort.

“Wow, well, maybe I need to change my mind? Sounds like Noah is a keeper.”

“Stoooop!” Rachel said.

“No, no, you’re right, I’m sorry. This is serious business,” Jackeline took a deep breath and calmed herself. “So, you two are doing... stuff. And he kissed another girl.”

“Yes,” Rachel confirmed. Mel swam back into her mind, stinging her heart like a hornet.

“Did you know this kiss was coming?”

Rachel’s mind danced through reason and replaced it with pain and panic. How does one answer a question like that honestly? It was like being asked to catch a speeding bullet with her bare hands.

“Well, technically no.”

“Technically?”

“Yes, technically. But I KNEW Mel was going to try something. And I kind of accepted that it was fair. So I’m not surprised.”

“But you didn't talk to Noah?”

“No,” Rachel said.

“So… then he did technically cheat?”

Rachel reeled in discomfort. She didn’t want to get Noah in trouble. How could she explain it? This wasn’t like normal cheating. Jackeline had no idea how many times Rachel had skirted a line and hurt Noah. And, every time, he was right there. Forgiving her. But when she explained it to someone who had only ever been with one person, Rachel felt like she was speaking a foreign language.

“No, that’s not fair to him. We have talked about it before. Just never directly. Plus, the kiss was part of some stupid wedding game.”

“Mhmmm, a wedding game, how convenient,” Jackeline spoke with an overly sarcastic voice. Rachel had laughed at the voice since she was little.

“Ohhh stoooop.”

“Well, something’s telling me you already decided to keep this boy, so I’m not going to push it. Are you just calling cause your sad?”

There was that sweet tone Rachel had grown up with her whole life. It melted her instantly.

“Yeah,” Rachel said in her goofy baby voice. A voice she only ever put on for her sister. The only person who saw her in a way no one else could.

“Well, it’s ok to be sad. Do you still love him?”

“Yeah.”

“Do you want to keep working on things with him?

“Yeah.”

“You think he’s gonna break your heart?” Jackeline asked gently. This was her way of checking her. A gentle question for Rachel to make a decision on.

“No… he never would,” Rachel said.

“Alright, well, you want my advice?”

“Always.”

“Maybe talk out some boundaries before you go and be freaks?”

Rachel laughed.

“Alright…”

“Atta girl. Are classes going good?” Jackeline said.

“Oh yeah, I’m honestly loving it. Godfrey is such a breath of fresh air.”

“Oh, I bet, I’m so glad mom was able to get you out of that house.”

“Yeah, I am too. How’s law going?”

“I hate it. But I make money. Oh, also, did you answer Dad yet? He’s starting to pester me to pester you.”

“Ugh, no…”

“Answer the man before I lose my sanity. Please.”

Rachel sighed while playing with the corner of her pillowcase. “Ok...”

“What does he want anyway?”

“A dinner.”

“Well, that’s not so bad.”

“With Noah and me.”

“Ohhhhh... Ok yeah, I get it. Look, he did the same to me and Bobby back in the day. Dad will be Dad no matter what. So just smile and play nice. Rip the band-aid off, and get on with your life.” Jackeline spoke nonchalantly about everything. It’s like she just knew what to do. As Rachel grew up, she realized that, somewhere along the way, her sister had become her real mother. Today was no different.

“Alright, I will,” Rachel said.

“Okey-dokey, Bitsy. You feeling better?”

“Yes, thank you, seester.”

“Of course, seeeester. I love you.”

“Love you too.” Rachel hung up and rolled to her side. She felt better. Good enough to put off what she’d been dreading to do for weeks now.

She called her dad.

--

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