Back to normal

I got up and took a shower. Grabbed my camera gear and headed to work. The day felt like it took forever. I nearly cried multiple times, over the stupidest things. The coffee pot was empty at lunch, and I had brewed a new one. I cried a little in the bathroom after that. Stupid hormones.

I walked past the pawn shop on my way home. They would surely buy my camera gear. I resisted going in. I was not in a state of mind to make potentially life-changing decisions.

By Wednesday morning I felt a lot more like myself. The crazy mood swings were gone, and I felt I could think clearly again. I still could remember the feelings I had during it all, but it didn’t affect me so much emotionally anymore. The week went by and that weekend I was just Chris. John was just John again but seemed a little more quiet than usual. I had expected him to ask about going out like we usually did, but he just kept quiet. It felt strange not being Carmen. It felt… lonely. Another week came and went, where I was just Chris. The weekend came and he still didn’t ask. I was about to ask several times but somehow talked myself out of it. To be fair I was probably the one making it awkward. He never really asked. I just became Carmen, and we did our thing. But I wanted him to ask.

It was Friday morning a week later and I had actually cried myself to sleep last night. I couldn’t handle the tension anymore. These feelings would not go away. Screw Chris, I hated being him now. John and I were best friends, and I didn’t know what to do if I lost that but I needed this! I wanted to be Carmen again. Not just that, but I wanted to be his Carmen. On my way home from work that day I walked into the pawn shop. Sure enough, they were willing to buy my camera gear. From there I went straight to the pharmacy. Cashed out all the money, and some of my savings and got an Xtra.