Ashley Price, Ascendant Spooky Girl

Magic, as all devoted practitioners well know, is Real, and Horny, and Stupid. And as a direct result of that intoxicating but intensely dangerous combination, that is as much as most would-be warlocks ever learn. Indeed, the vast majority of erstwhile enchanters learn these three fundamental truths only in the moments before they are fucked to **** by a poorly programmed sex golem or throttled by their own sentient, prehensile penes. But to those with just a drop more caution, with merely an extra sliver of restraint, the fourth Great Truth of the arcane will gradually reveal itself:

Magic is Frequently Annoying.

It's not always some grand tragic irony. It's not even always on purpose! But it's simply the case that even when Magic works out perfectly, it never works out perfectly. Mostly this is a safety valve of sorts, protecting reality on the cosmic scale from the usual boring nonsense people try to get up to with sorcery. Unstoppable Power is invariably stoppable, Eternal Life exclusively ends poorly, and Infinite Wealth is little more than bending over and presenting your butthole to the IRS. But even for people using Magic in ways that are fun, and horny, and at least a little stupid, there is always some sort of supernatural fly in the preternatural ointment.

Random example: Say a well-meaning witch, once a depressed goth boy and now a confident spooky girl who'd shame Elvira back into a training bra, creates some sort of modern fertility cult coven. Just as a 'for instance'. Say again that said witch creates a herd of enchanted cows to provide the milk that fuels her magic, mostly from a herd of entirely game goats but here and there from individuals who either wanted or deserved it. Say further that one of said docile cows was the witch's piece of shit cousin Jessie, bewitched from hulking abusive caveman to big-titted milky bimbo. You'd think that the 'docile' part would imply some measure of control over said cow, yes? Well, you'd be right. Some control. And Magic takes every chance it can to stick that 'Some' straight between your ribs.

And right now, it's gonna make you fucking late for school. Yet no matter how often you check your watch or how impatiently you tap your foot, Jessie simply refuses to hand over the large bottle of milk she's spent the last five minutes draining her productive teats into. "Jessie. That's enough. For real already."

The buxom cheerleader shakes her head, eyes still glazed over as she massages the sides of one fat, milk-beading breast. "Still got more." You try snaking forward to snatch the bottle from her, but she shifts around to block your advance with her bubble butt. Ugh, even when she's in her Milky Moo state she's goddamn obstinate. She won't remember any of this when she's back to her default Piece of Shit state, but you're entirely certain she'll retain a vague sense of smug satisfaction at knowing she can annoy you regardless of her state of mind.

Fuck. She's been just dribbling for a while now. You've seen this dance before, and you know what she wants. Fukkin'...whatever, fine. With a grunt of resigned irritation you step forward, Jessie's generously padded read smooshing into your legs as you reach around to plant your hands on either side of her overripe rack. The girl squeals in a suspiciously bovine moan of pleasure as you squish her tits together, a final twin stream of milk splurting out of her throbbing nipples to splatter onto the tile of the pool house bathroom. You snatch up the bottle before it can drop from hands boneless with pleasure, your cousin shakily starting to stuff her still-tingling jugs back into her tight tank top.

You help yourself to a swallow of the fresh, rainbow-tinged milk as Jessie absentmindedly adjusts herself to allow more soft cleavage to mushroom out of her shirt's generous neckline. Huh, she's looking fuller than usual. Heavier, maybe even a bit bigger. Still doesn't hold a candle to you, though. You thrust your otherworldly chest out in a show of mammary dominance as you treat yourself to another gulp, relishing the feeling of magical energy building up from your toes even as the intoxicating milk trickles down your core. Popping a stopper into the bottle, you cast a bit of side-eye Jessie's way as the last of the Milky Moo fades from her eyes. Annoyances aside, she did good today. Maybe you can afford to be a little magnanimous. "Hey. You know, you ride with us. If you want."

Jessie's turned her full attention to the mirror by this point, fiddling with a tube of lip gloss as her reflection cocks an eyebrow at you. "What?"

"I mean, you could ride with Jenny and me to school today."

The transformed cheerleader's reflection stares at you for a moment, the pulls a scornful face. "If you think I'm gonna ride in the back seat of Jenny Park's car, you're fucking insane. You just want me there because you know she likes me better than you."

You've already turned to leave. "Fuck you, Jessie."

"Fuck you!"

Yep. Real Horny, Real Stupid, and Really Fucking Annoying.

Jenny Park regards the brightly orange smoothie you squeeze between your thighs as you buckle yourself into her car with something bordering on contempt. "What fresh hell is this?"

"It's good! And there's extra if you want some."

Your best friend scoffs as she begins pulling out of the driveway of your palatial home. "Last time you sang this song for me, I wound up drinking a liquefied shrub."

"It was kiwi."

"And?"

"...and spinach, sure. Some kale. Chia seed. And flax."

"Oh okay, so it was a shrub and a novelty toy and a basket."

"This,"--you hold up the smoothie--"is pineapple and strawberries and literal liquid magic."

Jenny considers that as she turns out of the neighborhood you share. "Why is it that color, then?"

"Also grapefruit."

She makes a face of disgust and you plop your straw into the citrusy smoothie-potion, indulging in a long defiant sip as she continues to performatively gag. You take a moment to consider your friend as you slowly drain your breakfast and fully restore your magic. Jenny Park: Head Cheerleader, Ice-Cold Badass, Your Best Friend, and Fellow Actual Witch. A couple of months and a lifetime ago, only two of those things were true. And that's not the end of the changes you've brought about for her in your brief, life-long friendship. Formerly the only child of truly nightmarish parents, Jenny is now the eldest child of an almost offensively wholesome family, her five siblings soon to be joined by a sixth when her overly blessed fertility goddess of a mother pops sometime in the next month. And speaking of overblessed...

Your friend doesn't miss the way you suspiciously side-eye her own prodigious breasts, the Korean girl's white polo filled to the brim with soft, wobbling bounty. Jenny rolls her eyes, taking a moment to adjust the seat belt that squishes between her bulging boobs. "No, Ash, I didn't grow my tits again. They are the same size, and you can stop checking."

You pull your straw from the now-empty glass, pointing it towards her with all the accusation of a crusading attorney. "Are you sure, Jenny? Because let the record reflect that that rack is lookin' pretty goddamn stacked."

Jenny sticks out her tongue at you, shimmying her shoulders to send her breasts wobbling. "I'm sure. We both agreed that magicking my boobs bigger than yours would count as going all The Craft on your ass."

You narrow an eye as she flashes you a Girl Scout's Oath, then plunge your straw into her unwanted share of smoothie with a nod. "Good." You lean back in your seat to finish the drink at a more leisurely pace, a comfortable silence falling over the car as it takes you onwards to the school. It would be comfortable, at least, if it didn't become clear after a few minutes that Jenny desperately wants to ask you something. Well, can't get around this any longer. "Something on your mind, Jenny?"

The girl huffs in faux indignation, pointing a finger at you. "I think we can both agree that I've given you and Isabelle more than enough time to get comfortable, and it's about goddamn time I get some cute details."

"How is two weeks 'more than enough time'?"

Jenny pulls a face at you. "I'm grandfathering in the two goddamn years I spent trying to finesse you dummies into each other. Jesus, it shouldn't have been that hard and taken actual magic to get two hot people to hook up. That shit was exhausting. So yes, I've been more than patient enough. So spill it already!"

You purse your lips, awkwardly tapping your metal straw against your smoothie glass. Well, she's got a pretty good point. At length, you sigh and give a shrug. "Okay, you're right. Thanks for that, by the way."

Jenny gives a very imperious sniff. "You are welcome." She keeps her eyes on the road for a moment, chin held high and chest out thrust. Then she hits a red light and lets out a noise of girlish excitement, giving you a wide grin. "Are you guys happy? Is it going great?!"

Your ears are flushing red in spite of yourself. "Um, yes."

Your friend lets out another noise of delight at that. "Is it a lot different from the relationships you've had with boys?"

"Oh, uh, yes? I haven't really had a relationship with any boys." Jenny raises her eyebrow at that, and you quickly clarify. "I mean, I've gone on dates with boys, and I've fooled around with boys, but, um...this is kinda my first actual relationship. Like, girlfriend-type."

Jenny's eyes go wide at that, a gasp of pure glee erupting from deep within her core. "Oh my god that is so fucking cute. You are my two favorite people this is goddamn everything." Her grin turns impish as she leans over slightly. "So have you guys done it yet?"

Well...you don't think Isabelle would mind you saying. To Jenny, at least. "Yes." She clearly expects more detail. "...Kinda a lot, actually."

Your friend cackles at that, turning back to face the road as the light turns green. "I'm super jealous. I haven't gotten anything since before we got into all of this witch stuff."

It's your turn to give a suggestive smirk of your own. "Oh? Is that why you're going out with Quinn Foley tonight?"

Jenny gives a haughty wave of her hand. "I am the head cheerleader, he is the starting quarterback. So it shall be written, so it shall be done." You laugh as she starts the turn into your school, queuing up in the line of other students' cars. "For real though, it's nothing serious. Just some fun."

You waggle your eyebrows at Jenny. "Think you're gonna sleep with him?"

Jenny answer is airy and automatic. "No." She blinks, looking a little surprised at her response. She gives herself a little shake, then tries again. "I mean, who knows? Maybe!"

Well that was odd. You start to respond, only for your words trail off as a flash of crimson through the driver's side window catches your eye. Is...someone fucking on the grass outside of your school? You strain at your seat belt, trying to catch a better look at what had for all the world struck you as the vague impression of a mane of fiery hair and two writhing bodies. But...no? There's nothing there. You sink back into your seat, frowning. If Jenny noticed your moment of shock, she doesn't show it. "Anyways, now that we agree you two are out of your grace period, I fully expect to be appraised on any juicy stories and all couples pictures. Got it?"

You nod distractedly, taking a moment to check on the mystical wards you've left on the school ground and surrounding areas. Yes, they're still as strong as ever. That was...probably nothing. Right?

...

......Right?