A guilty conscience

"I don't think I'll ever get used to this," Leah said as she leaned back into the couch, having just lost an intense match of FIFA to you. She's dressed in a white crop top and denim short shorts which leave little to imagination.

"Well I've gotten used to kicking your ass at video games," you snarked back only to get a playful punch on the arm in response. The two of you were currently hanging out at your dorm room playing video games as you often did. Jessica hadn't approved at first but once she'd gotten used to Leah being around, she hadn't minded you two being so close although she did find it strange that you'd become such good friends. After all, Leah and you had hung in completely different circles.

Jimmy's disappearance had been explained by a short video message he had recorded and sent to his parents, one where he'd told them he was going to find himself in Europe and that he was tired of the same boring life day after day. His parents had obviously freaked out by the suddenness of it all but he'd send them occasional texts and video messages explaining what was getting up to and over time, they mellowed out and accepted their son had become a wandering digital nomad.

"It's the damn muscle memory. Even after all these years, it doesn't feel normal," she complained and pouted at you.

You sighed and shook your head. It had been over 4 years since Jimmy had taken Leah's form but even now he hadn't fully adapted to her life. Sure he looked, acted and dressed just like her in public but in private, he would act like himself, grumble and complain about how it was hard and difficult it was being her. There was something holding him back from embracing his new reality and truly being Leah.

"Jimmy..." Leah's head twitched as you used her real name for the first time in years. "When are you going to accept that being Leah isn't just a role to play. It's your life now. You can't just keep pretending otherwise how are you planning to live your life?"

A look of disgust appeared on her face as she heard your scolding. "When am I going to accept it? You mean after you **** me to do this?" Her voice was rising with every word. "You get to hang out with me as if nothing is different but I have to live this now!!

You can't even imagine the amount of guilt I feel... and your fucking plan as well. Do you know difficult it is to pretend that I'm living this whole other life in Europe? Every time I take off Leah's skin to make a video, it basically resets all the progress I've made with accepting this is the way things are now. Taking her off reminds me that she's not me, that this isn't my life and that I can restore her at any time." At this point, she's basically shouting at you.

"If you want to know how guilty I'm feeling, then take a look at these." She opens up her phone and tosses it at you.

On the screen is the gallery app with a folder titled "For Leah". You open one of the thousands of videos which are there and realise that Jimmy has been keeping a daily vlog of Leah's life, details of what she's done during the day, major events and things that have changed. The most shocking thing is that he's been recording this as Leah but speaking as if these are for Leah to watch, even ending each video with a "Sorry."

You look up at Leah who has her back turned as she stares out the window. In the reflection, you can see tears rolling down her face.

"How long have you been doing this?"

She turns to you, her mascara smudged and the pain evident on her face.

"... every day..."

"Every day?"

"Well... at first I would restore and speak to her in person. Then I realised how that was basically torturing her so I started the videos."

"Fuck Jimmy, that's messed up."

"I KNOW!" she literally screamed at you, "THIS IS A FUCKED UP SITUATION OK? I just didn't know what to do with all this guilt alright? She was basically begging me to stop and give back her life at the end. The look on her face haunts me..."

She fidgeted with her fingers while staring at the ground. "Part of me wants this to be over... that's why I've been making the videos. I figure Leah can go back to her life if she knows what's happened in her absence but the other part knows she won't accept it. I know it'll never work but I keep doing it. Like a... a crazy person expecting something different to occur."

You didn't realise how much your decision had affected Jimmy over all these years. You'd thought that he'd accept the consequences of his actions and learn to live with them but he was clearly broken, this wasn't something he had the ability to live with. These were the actions of a person who had sunk deeper and deeper into their guilt and depression and couldn't find a way out.