What's next?

A Salutary Shock

“Why are you laughing?” I'm angry. My good mood evaporates.

Thomas bursts out laughing and takes a few seconds to recover before he can form a coherent sentence.

“We live-streamed the fuck. It went down a storm. Our account has gained almost 400 new subscribers in one fell swoop. Over a hundred positive comments about your hot ass. I've even got two requests from men who want to meet you."

What have you done? Only now do I notice the camera on the small tripod standing next to Thomas on the desk, the lens pointed at me. Are they still streaming?

I jump up, pulling my dress down. My mouth opens to yell at Thomas, but I just turn away silently, boiling with rage. How could they?

In the bathroom, I slowly calm down. I shower thoroughly and extensively, as if the hot water could wash away not only the dirt, but also the disappointment and humiliation. It doesn't really help, but I feel better.

It was a shock that the two of them inflicted on me. A salutary shock that shook me awake. I have to break up with Dirk, that much is clear to me. It has to end.

After showering, I get fully dressed, deliberately choosing a conservative outfit. And yes, I put on underwear. Whether Dirk likes it or not. Long sleeves. High neck. Thus equipped, I step into the hallway.

I hesitate in front of Thomas's study, my hand hovering over the doorknob. Three deep breaths later, I straighten up and push the door open.

Before I enter, I look around suspiciously. The camera is gone. There is no sign of Dirk either. Thomas takes his hand off the mouse and turns to me in his desk chair.

“Where is he?”

Thomas knows immediately whom I am referring to. “He’s got something to do in town. He said it might take a while. He won’t be here for dinner.”

Is that good or bad? Probably good, I decide. If the person who turned our lives upside down isn’t here, Thomas and I can talk about it in peace and try to put our lives back on track.

I pull up a chair and sit down next to my husband. “We need to talk.”

He nods.

“Have you made up your mind?” Thomas makes a vague gesture toward the monitor, where that awful dating site is still open.

How can he ask that? I feel hot and then immediately ice cold. Not only did they upload the video of me giving Thomas a blowjob in the department store between rows of women's underwear via this portal, they also live-streamed me fucking Dirk on the floor, coming like a bitch in heat. The image they show of me is humiliating and wrong. Countless men (at least, I assume they were all men) have seen it. And they've made comments about my ass.

My neck muscles swell and I clench my fists. But instead of yelling at him and hitting him, as would have been my first impulse, I just stare at Thomas with narrowed eyes.

What if he's right? What if this is the way we can save our marriage? Thomas doesn't seem to mind the idea of me sleeping with other men—on the contrary. Judging by his behavior, the idea even excites him.

And me? To be honest, it felt good to be desired. Dirk may be an asshole, but he saw me as a woman and treated me like one. Something, I now realize, I've been missing for years.

Deep in my core, a flame glows, gradually growing larger and beginning to melt the ice shell that surrounds me.

“I don't know,” I squeeze out. My voice sounds unusually hoarse.

“You don't have to decide right away. Just take a look. Maybe it was a stupid idea on my part. Think about it at your leisure, and if you don't want to, I'll delete the account. And we'll forget about it.”

Is this my Thomas? He speaks so seriously and empathetically that I can hardly believe it.

I exhale deeply and **** myself to relax my muscles. I gently place my hand on his thigh. Should I kiss him? No, too soon. He hasn't earned that yet.

“How does it work?” I ask encouragingly, leaning forward a little.

Thomas immediately races the mouse pointer across the screen, clicking here and there. He begins to explain. Here he is again, the nerd who is enthusiastic about all things technical and doesn't even notice how close he is to a woman of flesh and blood. He comes across as rather awkward and yet somehow cute. I smile. This is the boy I fell in love with back then.

“These are the profiles of the men who have submitted requests. If you would like to get to know one of them, send a reply. If not, just click it away. There are no obligations. It's up to you.” He grins crookedly at me from the side. “The only condition is that I get to watch.”

I imagine it must have been difficult for him to admit this. If Dirk hadn't come into our lives, I might never have found out. I suppress a smile. I don't want to make it that easy for him. With a serious expression, I point to one of the stamp-sized photos.

“Can we take a closer look at that one?”

I'm startled when Sina calls from the front door. How long have we been sitting at the computer? I seem to have completely lost track of time. It's already dark outside the window.

“We're meeting Kathy for dancing. It'll probably be late. Don't wait up for me.”

“Okay, honey. Have fun,” I reply.

If I had known who she meant by “we,” I would have stopped her.