A New and Equally Serious War

Isabelle plucks the cookie up from her plate, eyes squinting as she gives it a thorough appraisal. "Hm. Only a little burnt!" She glances down towards the other judges as they carefully inspect their own slightly-too-brown treats. "That's worth some points, right?"

Colin and Buzz nod in agreement, though Jenny and Quinn are still inspecting theirs. Donna, however, has gone straight ahead to taking a massive bite out of hers. She flinches after her first chew, mumbling around her mouthful of cookie. "Issit s'posed t' be all salty?"

Quinn crumbles off a small bit of hers, giving it an experimental taste. "Ummm, yeah. Maybe this one got the sugar and the salt mixed up."

"Aw bleh!" Pixie stomps her foot, her choppy black bangs flopping around as she huffs in annoyance. "They shouldn't look so much alike, then! Sugar should be green or something!"

Peetee helpfully chimes in, eager to support her friend. "Yeah! They should at least put an 'S' on Salt so no one would oh nope, wait; I get why that is a bad suggestion."

Isabelle is clearly holding back a small sigh. "So I guess that's another round where we won't have to guess who's cookie it is." Aww, poor Isabelle. She fucking loves games having rules. You're eagerly awaiting the day that the two of you are at some beach house or something and get bored enough to play Monopoly. There is no way she doesn't have strong opinions about Free Parking. That is going to lead to some amazing and furious sex.

Buzz beams at Pixie all the same. "Still a great effort! Ten stars!"

If someone had told you last night, when you and your long-lost father were being driven off the road by a human pinata stuffed with demon insects, that one day later you'd be playing host to an impromptu baking contest, you'd...hrm. Well honestly, you would have taken some comfort in that. Life goes on and all that rot, right? 'Life Goes On' isn't a bad theme for the whole night, actually.

All of this started from a simple change that was necessary in the wake of Guy's betrayal. Namely, a moratorium on food delivery for a while. It just seemed like it'd be rubbing Buzz's face in it, right? So for now, you'll be sourcing dicks for the weekly Rituals from intensely vetted friends of your secondary herd and overflow band-cock from Sydney. That naturally led to many of the Woo Girls expressing an interest in learning to cook, which led to them wanting to bake, which led to them wanting to bake cookies for Buzz, which led to the cookie contest currently in full ****. It's the closest thing to a logical progression you'd expect from a group of flighty goat-girls doing their best to cheer up their friend.

Though not everything is going perfectly. Pixie narrows an eye at you, glancing meaningfully down at the cookie still on your plate. "Ash didn't even try hers. She's still just eating almonds."

Isabelle puts a hand on your arm in a show of support. "Ash is being very responsible about her cheat days."

Pixie sniffs in annoyance. "Well then she has to give me ten stars by default." You give the olive-toned Woo Girl a big thumbs up, and she immediately decides to press her advantage. "Also Donna ate all of hers so that's ten automatic stars too!"

Seriously? Sure enough, the elf girl somehow managed to wolf down the entire salt and cinnamon cookie. Looks like there's no debate about it, then. Sensing her victory, Pixie lets out a celebratory cheer and turns to high-five Peetee. "Yessss thirty stars! I'm the best at this~!"

Jenny clears her throat. "Thirty out of a possible seventy."

Pixie sticks out her tongue. "Well my grading scale only goes to thirty, so I got the maximum amount."

You throw up your hands helplessly. "Fair enough!" The other Woo Girls break into a sincere round of applause as Pixie takes an intensely satisfied bow, Buns clearing away the plates as Rhys brings out the next entry. And, uh, it don't look so good. Even by the admittedly lax standards you've set for this friendly competition, it's hard to see these as anything other than burnt hockey pucks. "Uh...hm."

Quinn picks hers up gingerly, then lets it fall back down to her plate with a heavy thump. "It's...pretty close to round? Which is a shape cookies often are? That's probably worth some points, right?"

Colin carefully nibbles at his, surprise and delight flitting across his face. "Oh! They taste really good, though!"

Seriously? Donna immediately sets about gnawing at hers with gusto, while Buzz takes a pleased bite herself. Her upbeat expression turns to a scolding look, however, as she swallows. "Guys! We agreed that putting our milk in these was against the rules."

Isabelle nods intently, adjusting her glasses as she gives the blonde Woo Girl in the crowd who's nervously fidgeting a piercing look. "Twin One, this was you, right?"

The accused girl tries to gasp in affront and deflect with a laugh all at once, and winds up breaking out into a coughing fit. Once she's finally caught her breath again, she tries to wheeze out a defense of herself. "Why d'you think that?"

Jenny flicks the jet black crumbs off of her lips. "Because it takes like bubbling strawberries, that's why."

The woo girl defiantly thrusts out her chest. "Well it wasn't my milk!"

"Was it Twin Also One's?"

".............yes."

Buzz gives a stern tsk, shaking her head. "Well you still get ten stars for friendship, but I'm afraid I'm going to have to give the cookies my lowest score yet: Nine and a half stars."

Twin One cuts in urgently. "But you said the full ten stars for friendship, right?"

"Oh totally!"

The crowd murmurs in approval, applauding as Twin One's spiked cookies are cleared away. You quirk an eyebrow as the next round is brought to the table, sharing a glance with Isabelle as the plates are set before you. "Well, this one won't take long."

Isabelle carefully plucks the black and white sandwich cookie up from her plate. "This is an Oreo."

You nod. "Correct."

"A store-bought Oreo."

"Correct again."

"This one is from Bangs."

"Also correct."

The woo girl in question sputters in disbelief from her position ensconced within the crowd. "But how did you figure it out?! It was the perfect scheme!"

"Oh, um, I know this one?" Colin has his hand raised, so you give him the nod and he continues on. "Is it because she texted Jenny and asked us to pick up Oreos on the way here?"

Bangs lets out a defeated groan. "Great; nobody told me you guys were master detectives. I'm gonna lose so many stars now!"

Buzz waves her hands dismissively. "Oh no, don't worry Bangs. We assumed you were going to cheat."

The particularly devious Woo Girl perks up. "Really?"

"Oh definitely!" Buzz twists her Oreo open, popping half of it into her mouth and mumbling around it. "Ten stars!"

As the next round of cookies is brought through the cheering crowd, you can't help noticing that they're clearly a cut above the previous heartfelt but decidedly amateurish entrants. Each plate has a beautiful little golden brown treat delicately placed in the middle, golden brown flowers studded with sesame seeds and glistening with glaze. You lean in and take a deep whiff, shivering at the rich smell of caramelized honey and ginger. Blaaah, sometimes it sucks being such a paragon of will. Goddamn almonds are like trash now.

That being said, don't these look sort of familiar to you? Jenny seems to have similar thoughts, holding up her cookie. "Are these yakgwa? They look just like the ones my mom makes." She takes a bite, her eyes widening. "Uh, they are the ones my mom makes? But...better, maybe?"

Rhys balks at that, raising his eyebrows at a Donna who is trying to act intensely nonchalant. "Donna, I thought you said you got that recipe from the Internet?"

Donna makes a big show out of thinking that over. "Oh, I totally did? But I guess now that I'm thinking about it, it might have been from a list of recipes from beauty pageant contestants from forever ago? And it might have been the one Mrs Park submitted? That's a whoops, guys. That's a big whoops on me."

The prince looks mortified, but Jenny has already finished her cookie and snatched yours off of your plate. "Rhys." He looks up as Jenny carefully finishes chewing her purloined sweet. "These are amazing."

"Oh." The prince shuffles a bit, but is clearly pleased. "Thank you. I've had some practice"

Donna leans over to Jenny, whispering loud enough for the entire barn to hear. "He's being modest! He totally should have gotten full points for the Baking section of the Grand Melee last year, but one of the judges was a real dick about not liking raisins!"

Jenny scoffs in mock indignation, eyes shimmering as she glances towards Rhys. "What? That's an outrage. Raisins are great."

"Right?!"

You don't miss for one second the way that Jenny and Rhys's eyes keep finding each other. And for that matter, you're pretty sure you've noticed Quinn's leg bumping up against Colin's more times than could be called an accident. Are cookie contests secretly the ultimate matchmaking events? And how is Buzz going to take it if her post breakup party ends with a bunch of people hooking up? Maybe you should have thought this out a little more.

Well it's too late now. The cookie contest has already worked its magic, and where it all leads is out of your hands. This is all clearly way less perilous than the events of last night. So why do the stakes still feel so high?