[Chapter V.I] Budget Cuts

The journey has been long, the cliffs steep, but you have ventured far north, slaying an untold number of Dark Mercenary and Maiden Thieves along the way. And yet, though you have travelled perhaps a third the way to the Capital, there’s been none of the signs of civilization that you’ve come to expect: the roads are empty, the small hamlets sit with empty firepits, and the WiFi never has more than two bars.

Indeed, all that you’ve encountered is Dark Mercenary after Dark Mercenary, countless dashing ladies felled by your blade, and you wonder if life has more to offer.

“HEYA, ELMO HAS GREAT NEWS,” a familiar voice booms from deep below.

“Oh shit!” you yell, quickly pulling up your breeches.

“NOW WHAT WERE YOU DOING JUST NOW?” the voice booms, intimidating.

“Nothing,” you answer meekly, scratching your head, looking from side to side.

“ELMO SAW THAT YOU WERE COMMITTING THE UNHOLY ACT OF ONANISM. MASTURBATION IS VERY BAD, MR. PALADIN, VERY BAD.” The Dark Lord Elmo sounds very angry.

“No! I was just checking myself for genital warts,” you adamantly contradict.

“YOU HAVE SEVEN,” Elmo tells you. “WHOOPS, NO, SIX. THAT ONE’S JUST THE TIP OF YOUR COCK.”

“My cock isn’t that ugly,” you protest, but you swear you can see the muppet shrugging his shoulders, despite his physical form being nowhere in eyeshot.

“ANYWAYS, ELMO CAME TO INFORM YOU THAT YOU HAVE FINALLY SLAIN ENOUGH ENEMIES TO LEVEL UP. CONGRATULATIONS!”

With your belt buckle now undone, and your eyes squinted to count the six warts, you suddenly feel yourself surrounded by a magical circle of black flame that spins around you. A choir of chainsaws begin revving, a noise that reminds you of home.

“Well, this is fancy,” you say.

“WELL ELMO’S SORRY, BECAUSE IT’S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN AGAIN,” Elmo says. “BUDGET CUTS ARE INCOMING.”

“So, about that Bandit Viscountess,” you say. “Why don’t you just deal with her? I’m having some trouble with the job.”

“OH, YOU NO LONGER WANT TO FUCK HER TITS? ELMO HAD THOUGHT THAT YOU WOULD ENJOY THIS QUEST, BUT MAYBE ELMO WAS MISTAKEN.”

“No, no,” you say, shaking your head. “But I was just wondering, you know, if you’re the mega-powerful Dark Lord and all that, why you didn’t just deal with this problem yourself.”

“ELMO IS SUFFERING HEAVILY FROM THE BUDGET CUTS. ELMO CAN NO LONGER DO EVERYTHING. THE BANDIT VISCOUNTESS IS HIDING FROM ELMO USING SOME DARK MAGIC SO ELMO CAN’T DEAL WITH HER, WHICH IS WHY YOU MUST.”

“Oh, sorry to hear that,” you say.

“APOLOGY ACCEPTED,” Elmo’s voice booms, and then you are left alone by the Rad Cliffs once more.