[Chapter V.II] Finding the Bandit Viscountess

As you’re about to depart from the Rad Cliffs, you spy a magical glowing twig lying on the ground. To be precise, though, it is not so much lying on the ground as it is breakdancing.

“What’s wrong with that twig?” you wonder aloud.

“I detect dark magic and point towards it,” the twig replies. “And right now, there’s a heckin’ lot of it in the air!”

“Why is that?” you ask, looking into the sky. It’s still daytime.

“Because Dark Lord Elmo was throwing his spells around here just a second ago,” the twig explains to you. “So, I must point everywhere.”

“Okay,” you say. You pause and think for a moment. “Say, could you point me towards the Bandit Viscountess? Lord Elmo just told me she was using dark magic to conceal herself.”

“If you say please,” the twig says.

“I’m a Fallen Paladin. A real bad boy,” you say.

The twig seems to give you a look, although maybe that’s just you reading too much into the situation, since it doesn’t have eyes, after all.

“A very bad boy,” you continue saying. “All the women love me. And I’ve got a really big cock. You need a really big cock to fit seven warts on it.”

“Didn’t Elmo say you had six warts?”

“Six, seven, what’s the difference?” you retort.

“One,” the stick says. Apparently, it is quite proficient at math.

“Then fine, six warts on a big cock. That makes me a real bad boy,” you say.

“Sorry, I’m having trouble following your argument,” the stick says.

“I’m not going to say please, because I’m a bad boy,” you say very slowly, because it seems like this stick is a little bit thick.

“Cool! You just said it,” the stick says.

“No I didn’t!” you say.

“You so did!”

“No I—oh shit,” you curse and stomp your feet at the sudden realization that you did say the word please. “How am I supposed to keep up my reputation as a Fallen Paladin at this rate?”

“Well, you could head in the direction that I’m pointing in, and kill the Bandit Viscountess. I think that’s supposed to help you become more Fallen or something like that,” the stick says.

You see that it’s pointing somewhere deeper in the Rad Cliffs.

“Oh, and remember to bring me along!” the stick says, before you venture off. “I can keep pointing the way for you. Otherwise, you’ll walk off a cliff or something dumb like that.”

“I’m not stupid,” you tell the stick.

“Oh, and maybe you’d like to know about the dark magic in the rest of the kingdom,” the stick begins saying, but you tune out its nattering. No way all this stuff about “summoning portals” and “Vampyres” and “the Empress” that this stupid stick is going on about could be relevant to you.