[Chapter III.II] Where Art Thou Dark Mercenaries?

A moment later, and then another few minutes of tortured donkey braying later, the butcher shop goes dark once more, leaving you alone amidst the guts and entrails of the animals you sacrificed.

“So, uh, Paladin,” the butcher calls out from the back. “Were you going to kill these donkeys too?” He comes out, leading out a crew of five donkeys who look like they’ve had a rough day. “They wouldn’t shut up, so I started beating them up, but then they kept screaming…”

“No, that’s okay, you can kill them or **** them or whatever it is you do with donkeys,” you say, heading out the store.

The butcher yells something about “stupid asses” that you can’t quite make out, but now you’re on your merry way. You have a new quest! It is to locate and slay the Dark Mercenaries. You’ll do this, because it is evil and Elmo has commanded you to do it, and evil gives you such a thrill.

Plus, it’s how you’ll get cool new powers, and um… that’s definitely not the reason you’re actually doing this.

At any rate, you have decided you’re not returning to the village until you’ve completed your quest. You quickly leave the boundaries of the small town, keenly aware of the fact that there aren’t any Dark Mercenaries in the vicinity, else you would have fought them to the **** already. The main road leading out of town runs past several farms, but the peasants who live on them are likely all asleep already; there isn’t much point in staying awake once the sun goes down and you can’t see anything.

You carry a torch with you as you walk down the road, heading for the forested valley where the Maiden Thieves have been whisking off their maidens. It’s a prime location for villains to hang out, since there are plenty of hiding spots in the densely wooded lands, but you’ve always managed to catch them in a clearing with a maiden trapped under a tree-trunk: deeply unclear, why they keep doing that. At any rate, you figure that it’s likely that the Dark Mercenaries would hide out in this valley too, both for the cover it provides and due to their supposed affiliation with the Maiden Thieves.

Hours later, you stumble across a clearing, finding the expected maiden trapped under a big log.

“Maiden Thief, I seek your knowledge!” you call.

“Help me, help me!” the maiden cries out helplessly. Her voice is high and shrill and very annoying. Worse still, her shrieking is somehow louder than your deep, manly voice. You’re sure the Maiden Thief will never hear you at this rate.

“Shut the fuck up, maiden,” you say, slapping her on the face.

She giggles, and then touches the red mark on her face.

“Please punish me,” the maiden says, gesturing at her nubile figure trapped under the log.

“What the fuck, I just want you to shut up,” you say, missing the obvious erotic undertones of her actions.

She wiggles her ass at you.

“Wouldn’t you like to see my ass all red and spanked?”

“I’d like to see the Maiden Thief, IF YOU’RE OUT THERE AT ALL?” you shout.

“Please, I’ve been so naughy, getting caught by a Maiden Thief, oh surely I must be punished for my bad deeds,” the maiden cries out.

“Fine,” you say, and you spank her ass. The loud smack rings through the clearing, and you stroke your chin, thinking.

“How many decibels did you think that was?” you ask.

“Roundabout seveny-two,” the Maiden Thief replies. “Plus or minus point six-five.”

“Could be louder,” you say. “Firm up your posture, we need a nice resounding noise when I hit that ass.”

“Oh yes, sir,” she cries, firming up her buttocks, and then you land your palm against it, letting loose another satisfying smack.

You frown.

“You know what the problem is?” you say. “Your pants are still on. This would work much better if you bared your ass to me.”

“Oh yes, that is correct,” the maiden nods in total agreement.

And so her skirt and her undergarments all go, leaving her naked bum exposed to the world.

Smack! and Smack! and Smack!

“You think the Maiden Thief would have heard that?” you ask.

“I think you should keep going,” the maiden says dreamily.

“I think I need to do it harder,” you say.

“Oh YES,” the maiden exclaims as you smack her bum again. The flesh is growing red, and it is not a coincidence that your flesh is growing harder.

“Yo man, the fuck you doing with my girl!” The voice sounds from your left, and you snap in the direction.

“How am I supposed to turn a profit on this girl if she’s all beat up when I deliver her in?” the maiden thief says. “You gotta pay me damages for this shit now.”

“Oh,” you say. “Uh, but she seems to be enjoying it.”

You give her ass another smack for good measure, and she yelps in pleasure, smiling at the maiden thief. The maiden thief shrugs.

“So,” you say. “I just had a few questions I needed to ask you. I’ll even stop spanking the fine lady.”

“Please don’t,” the maiden says, tugging on your sleeve.

“I’ve been given a task to find these people known as the Dark Mercenaries,” you say. “You know anything about them? My Dark Lord Elmo said the two of you were familiar.”

The maiden thief spits on the ground.

“No wonder you tried to defile my property. You work for evil,” he says, giving you a dirty eye. “But um… yeah, I know a Dark Mercenary.”

“Really, where can I find him?”

“Bruh, you don’t just assume someone’s pronouns like that,” the maiden thief says. “The Dark Mercenaries are women. Chicks. ‘She/Her/Hers’.”

“Oh, sorry,” you say, a little confused. These mercenaries are hens? Or baby chickens?

“You misgender someone, you might miss out on the chance to fuck ‘em,” the maiden thief says. “Like c’mon, imagine if you beat them up and didn’t realise they were women you could fuck, and just went along on your merry way. Real tragedy.”

“That does sound very sad,” you say.

“Yeah, so here’s the deal. When the Dark Mercenaries aren’t busy terrorizing villages and raiding highways, they all hang out by the cliffside. So that’s where you’ll find them.”

“The cliffside?” you ask, struggling to comprehend, not in the least because you’re distracted by the maiden who, trapped under the log as she is, is still attempting to spank herself in the ass with an arm that can’t quite reach it. “Why the cliffside?”

“It’s because they’re edgy as fuck,” the maiden thief says.