[Chapter III.III] Look Ma, A Dark Mercenary!

Armed with this new information, and now with a hand slightly sore from the spanking it just delivered, you make the hike to the nearest cliffs that you know of. The Rad Cliffs are located only fifty goomba hops away from the closest highway, making it an ideal spot for unsavoury mercenaries to strike and hide out. Made of imposing black rock and taller than a prepubescent boy, the Rad Cliffs are a sight to behold—the black cliff face stretches on for a seeming eternity, and the black waves that crash against the rock beneath sound like screaming and agony and ****.

It is here that you find a figure wrapped in a black cloak, balancing on the edge of the cliff, looking out into the ocean.

“Why hello there,” the voice, neither feminine nor masculine, calls out.

Wow, you think. Good thing the Maiden Thief told me that the Dark Mercenaries are girls. Otherwise, I might have went with my gendered assumptions and not realized that this Dark Mercenary was a girl.

“I have come to fight you,” you say, drawing your epic blade. Well, it’s really not that epic, but it’s killed a bunch of Maiden Thieves, so that’s got to count for something, right?

“What do you fight for?” Now that you think about, you think you can hear a hint of alto in the Dark Mercenary’s voice. Maybe you would have figured out her gender anyways!

“For the glory of my Dark Lord Elmo,” you answer gruffly. “And because you are a bringer of Good to the world, which is unacceptable.”

“Good?” the Dark Mercenary asks, confused. “I rob the tax-collectors blind! I am evil!”

“Well, you clearly haven’t learned that all taxes are evil then,” you say. “Listen, you ever listen to the Randy preachers that come around with the spring fair? They’re always telling us how taxation is theft propagated by the state, and so the worst form of evil there is, because it separates the individual from the fruits of their labor... or something like that, I’m not sure, I was mostly looking at the jiggling tits while they were performing… Anyways, you stop tax-collectors, you do good!”

“Oh. I always thought the Randy preachers were just horny,” the Dark Mercenary shrugs. “Anyways, I’m still pretty evil, because it is I who hired the Maiden Thieves.”

“The Maiden Thieves? What’s so evil about that?” you ask, wondering if this has all been a giant mistake.

“Well, I hired them to kidnap maidens, so that we can make Vampyres,” she says, darkly. The moon shines blackly above. The black waves crash onto the dark cliffs. You wonder why your diction has suddenly considerably regressed.

“Well, Dark Lord Elmo wants you dead anyways,” you say. “So unfortunately, I am going to have to end you.”

“Then let’s dance,” the Dark Mercenary says, whirling around and drawing her blade. Its sharp edge glints in the dark moonlight, and you realise that this is a more powerful foe than any you’ve faced before.