The Swedish DJs Who Shaved Me Last Winter

I first got into techno music when I was twenty. I’m kind of uptight so it was a huge surprise to me that when Laird took me to this basement techno show in Allston I was totally into it. Laird was my boyfriend for about six weeks. He was like ten years older than me and his car smelled like mold but that’s not why we broke up. We broke up because he was sexually repressed and I was twenty and just wanted to fuck all the time. He was also a Scientologist but I didn’t really care about that. I was mostly just surprised that any Scientologists lived in Boston. I thought they were all in L.A. Turns out there are Scientologists everywhere, even Florida.

Anyway, when Laird told me we were going to a techno show I got really nervous and sweaty.

“Why are you all sweaty?” Laird asked, wiping sweat off my forehead with his pointer finger then putting that finger in his mouth. Laird said that my natural scent turned him on and that he liked the taste of my sweat so this was something he did kind of often. I was uptight back then and even though I always wanted to fuck this seemed a little strange to me. It never really lead to fucking anyway.

“I’m just not the kind of girl who would be at one of those. I wear normal jeans and I condition my hair and I wear normal make up. I guess these things about me aren’t a big deal or anything but techno people don’t like that stuff. They like black clothes and knotty hair and lots of eye make up. They also like MDMA.” I said.

Before that night with Laird I was really afraid of MDMA. I had this anxiety feeling that if I took MDMA I would feel so much pleasure that I would shit my pants in front of everyone and be really embarrassed and then also die of dehydration. I had heard that those things can happen on MDMA and logically if one of them happens, the other one is more likely to happen. If you shit your pants then you’ll be dehydrated and could die. If you die from dehydration you’ll probably shit your pants because that happens when you die. Laird told me that I didn’t have to do MDMA and that if I did do MDMA he would make sure I didn’t shit my pants or die. It was sad that Laird and I broke up after about six weeks because we probably would have fallen in love eventually.

As soon as we were in that basement in Allston I knew that my whole life was about to change. It turns out that a lot of different people like techno music and not just people who look like Marilyn Manson. To be honest, I didn’t really see any people who looked like Marilyn Manson there at all. I do not find Marilyn Manson attractive one bit. He would probably find me attractive though because I’ve been told I look like Evan Rachel Wood and they dated and were even engaged at one point. I bet they did a lot of MDMA together. Anyway, there were lots of different people there and the music was so loud it made me feel my heart beating through my cardigan. I could feel everything in my body for the first time. I could feel the blood moving through my veins. I could feel the hairs in my nose catching dirt. I could feel my vagina self-cleaning. People were dancing by themselves and it looked like they could feel everything in their bodies too. I tried to dance with Laird but he was sexually repressed and didn’t like me touching him in public.

“Stop. Not here.” He said, looking around like someone was watching.

My eyes filled with tears because I knew this relationship was not going to work but also because I felt so fucking alive and I saw my youth stretch out before me like a never ending horizon. Laird probably couldn’t understand that feeling because he was thirty and I don’t know if Scientology believes in never ending horizons. That night stretched on for what felt like all of a never ending horizon. I danced by myself and got really really sweaty. I got so sweaty I wished I could take off all my clothes, even my underwear. I met these two people named Hanna and her boyfriend Jeffrey who gave me MDMA and told me that under no circumstances would I shit my pants and then die from dehydration. They were right. None of that happened. I only felt really really great. The MDMA also made me really want to make out with someone and I couldn’t find Laird anywhere so I just made out with Hanna and Jeffrey and decided that was OK. In the following months I had a lot of threesomes with Hanna and Jeffrey because they were cool with that kind of thing and I guess I’m bisexual.

After that night I got really into the techno scene in Boston. Hanna and Jeffrey introduced me to a lot of their friends and pretty much every weekend and even some week nights we went to some techno show in a basement in Allston or a warehouse in Somerville. We also did a lot of MDMA and I never shit my pants or died of dehydration.

In December of last year I was kind of depressed. College was over and I guess I didn’t really know who I was. I had been on the dance team at my college and I figured I couldn’t really be on a dance team anymore now that I was an adult. That was really depressing. At this point, Laird was way out of the picture and Hanna and Jeffrey had broken up because it turns out Jeffrey didn’t like the threesomes as much as Hanna did. Hanna told me that she was questioning who she was as well and wanted some space from techno and MDMA which I guess also meant some space from me.

Winters in Boston stink and they stink even more if you feel depressed and don’t know who you are anymore because college is over and you can’t be on the dance team anymore and your best friends Hanna and Jeffery broke up and they don’t even want to see you anymore independently. Finally one night while I was crying in my bed I thought “You know what? I’m sick of this. I think I’ll go to a techno show.” I texted Laird and asked if he knew of any happening that night but he didn’t text me back. He’s a jerk. Without Hanna and Jeffrey I wasn’t really sure how to find a show on my own so I googled “techno shows in Boston, MA tonight”. One result came up:

Axel & Ludvig Swedish DJs Wonder Bar Allston, MA 11PM-2AM

I thought “Wow, I’ve never seen a Swedish DJ.” Sweden seemed exotic to me so I decided to go.

When I got to Wonder Bar around 11:30 there weren’t that many people there which surprised me. But that fact faded into the background almost immediately as soon as I saw Axel and Ludvig. They were the sexiest men I had ever seen. They both had blonde crew cuts with really long rat tails. I guess most people don’t think rat tails are attractive and back in college when I was uptight (before I discovered MDMA and techno) I thought that as well. I used to have anxiety dreams that my cousin Kevin would his rat tail down my throat and then pull it out really slowly while I gagged on it. Even though his rat tail wasn’t that long, in the dreams it always took all of eternity to pull the rat tail back out of my throat. But now that my mind was more open and I wasn’t having that dream that often, I found these rat tails very attractive. They were both really tall and not wearing any shirts (even though it was December in Boston! Maybe Sweden is even colder?) and they were covered in tattoos. Each of them had a tattoo on their chest of half of a turn table. Standing next to each other, it looked like a full turn table which I guess was the point. It would be really sad if they ever had a falling out because then every time they saw their own chest they would think of the other and get really sad and angry.

I looked around the mostly empty Wonder Bar. There was a lesbian couple making out in one of the booths which turned me on. I missed Hanna. I really liked being bisexual with her and Jeffrey. There was also a couple of teenagers dressed in all black nodding their heads to Axel and Ludvig’s techno beats. The music wasn’t as loud as I liked it, I couldn’t feel my youth stretching out for all of an endless horizon, but I guess because we were in a bar instead of a basement. there were rules about sound. I went to the bar and ordered a whiskey sour. I drank it as fast as I could. I didn’t have any MDMA but I still wanted to get a little fucked up. For a second I thought about leaving but then my eyes landed on Axel and Ludvig again. They were moving like ferrets, their bodies slinky and uncoordinated, their eyes sharp with passion for techno music. Axel looked up and his eyes found mine. My mouth opened and I gasped. I felt my youth stretch on for all of eternity in his eyes. I felt all of the universe’s youth stretch on for all of eternity in his eyes. Axel nudged Ludvig and pointed to me. They both waved. I knew that night was going to special.

I drank two more whiskey sours as fast as I could and I walked to the middle of the dance floor. My body was loose. I pulsed to the music. I rolled my neck, I shook my hair, I waved my arms around, all those moves people do when they’re dancing. I also shook my hips and did a few of those “body rolls”. I did all the moves I knew. With three whiskey sours in me, the music felt louder. The music felt like all there was to be heard for the rest of the time that Earth could exist. Every now and then I would look up and find Axel and Ludvig’s eyes staring right down at me. My pussy tingled. I wondered if we would have a threesome later. I decided that if we did have a threesome I might pretend that one of them was Hanna and the other was Jeffrey. I might even ask to call them by those names. Then maybe I would tell Hanna and Jeffrey that I did that and they would be so wet and hard that they would want to get back together with each other and have another threesome with me.

Around 1:45AM I went to the bathroom. Everything was spinning. I pulled down my underwear and it was soaked with a milky white lube. I put my finger into it and then put my finger in my mouth. It tasted like pool water. I put my finger into my vagina. I gasped. I realized how badly I wanted to fuck which was very very very badly. I slid my finger in and out a couple of times then I realized it was 1:50AM and I didn’t want Axel and Ludvig to leave without talking to me so I pulled my underwear back up. Some of the milky white lube sloshed out the sides of my underwear and ran down my legs.

I went back out to the dance floor. I watched as Axel and Ludvig announced to the empty room that they were done for the night and thank you for being such a great audience. They were only talking to me. I walked up to their turn table as sexy as I could.

“Vould you like to come to our Airbnb?” they said in unison.

“Yes.” I said by myself because I didn’t have anyone to speak in unison with.

We all smiled at each other.

Axel and Ludvig led me to their Airbnb which was in the North End, very fancy. On the way there they stopped at an italian pastry shop and bought three creme filled pastries. They offered one to me but I didn’t want it in case it gave me diarrhea and I couldn’t have the threesome. So they split it between them after they had each finished their own. My vagina pulsed as I watched them eat the creme pastries. The creme looked like the cream that had filled my underwear earlier in the night and was still sloshing around against my thighs. I couldn’t wait to hump them and rub my cream all over their half turn table tattoos.

We got into their Airbnb and it was really nice. Really fancy stuff. Since I was pretty uptight, even then, I didn’t like living like a poor person. I wanted to live in the fancy North End or maybe New York someday. Or somewhere even fancier like Bengali.

I looked around and decided to just get right to it.

“So if you guys want one of you can fuck me in my normal hole and the other one can put his pecker in my mouth or maybe my bunghole if it can handle it.” I said.

Axel and Ludvig stared at me. I thought maybe they don’t speak good sex English so I decided to say it again but easier to understand.

“Oh, maybe you guys don’t understand good English sex language…um…one of you can put your sex stick into my sex/baby hole and one of you can put your sex stick into my eat hole or poop hole if it fits.” I smiled really big so they would know I was happy about all this.

Again they just stared at me. Then they looked at each other and smiled.

“Actually, ve vere sinking maybe…ve could shave you.” Axel said.

This time it was me who was just standing there staring. It still really felt like they didn’t speak good sex English.

“And, ve do speak goot sex English.” Ludvig said, giggling and burping.

“Shave me? Do you mean fuck me?” I said.

Axel rolled his eyes.

“No.” He got closer to me. He smelled like creme. “Ve vant to take out all of your hairs.”

I giggled and burped. No one had ever shaved me before, not even Hanna and Jeffrey who were pretty adventurous sexually.

I shoved my pants down to my ankles as fast as I could. Some of the cream from earlier was still on my thighs and in my pubes.

Axel and Ludvig laughed.

“Hey, hey, slow down!”

“Vat are you doing?” They said. I saw their eyes land on my pubes and the thick cum dispersed throughout them. Axel and Ludvig smiled at each other and shrugged. I took off the rest of my clothes and laid on the hard wood floor of the living room as stiff as I could make myself. I felt like I was planking, that old thing kids used to do when I was in middle school.

“Does it look like I’m planking?” I called out. Neither of them answered and I felt like that was probably ok.

Axel entered the room holding a pair of tweezers.

“Vat are those?” Ludvig asked, laughing. I also wondered why Axel was carrying tweezers instead of a razor or an electric shaver.

“I thought since you like to move fast, we might make this as slow as possible.” Axel smiled.

I quivered and a fresh batch of splooge slid out of my puss like a slimy snake. I didn’t think it was possible that Axel and Ludvig would remove every hair on my mound with a pair of tweezers but the thought of trying to do so turned me on nonetheless. Ludvig reached down and dipped his finger in it. He put his finger in his mouth and it reminded me of earlier when he was eating the creme pastry.

“Tastes like she’s ready.” He said. And he was right. I was ready. Just like those creme filled pastries from earlier, I was baked to perfection, metaphorically, and I was ready to be eaten and split between the two Swedish DJs, metaphorically.

Axel leaned over, examining my bush. I had an OK sized bush. I had just trimmed it about two weeks before because I had been on my period and the blood had kept getting tangled in my pubes which I didn’t like. As Axel was examining me I realized that because my pubes were shorter than usual this might hurt. I took a sharp inhale. As I was breathing in, Axel pulled the first hair.

“Ow!” I exclaimed.

Axel and Ludvig smiled. Axel pulled another.

“Ow!” I exclaimed.

I saw the crotches of Axel’s and Ludvig’s pants grow slightly bigger. Axel pulled another.

“Ow!” I exclaimed.

Another.

“Ow!” I exclaimed.

Another.

“Ow!” I exclaimed. “Ow!” I exclaimed. “Ow!” I exclaimed. “Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! 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I probably exclaimed “Ow!” more times than that but that seems about right and gets the point across. I lay there, exhausted. My vulva red and pulsing. Axel and Ludvig had enormous boners but they hadn’t cum at all during the plucking of my entire pubic area.

“That was cool. Do you want to plow me simultaneously now?” I asked, sure that this part of the threesome was over and that now I would get my pussy fucked even though it really hurt.

Axel got really close to my face and I thought he was going to kiss me. I puckered up my lips and pushed them towards him. They made a weird high pitched sound, like air escaping from a tiny hole. I felt kind of embarrassed by this sound but sometimes weird sounds happen when you kiss or make different shapes with your lips. It’s just a part of being alive. As I was pushing my lips towards Axel he put his finger over them and pushed me back towards the ground.

“Ve are not done yet.” He said. Ludvig nodded and burped. I looked down at my vulva, the whole thing was hairless and red and swollen.

“There’s no more hair.” I said.

Ludvig laughed really hard. He leaned forward and grabbed my pony tail.

“Zen vat is zis?”

Zen vat is zis. Zen vat is zis. Zen vat…is zis…His voice kept repeating in my mind. They didn’t just want to pluck my bush. They wanted to pluck the whole tree aka my entire body.

“So…you don’t just want to pluck my bush? You want to pluck the whole tree…AKA my whole body?” I asked, trembling.

“Um…sure.” Axel said. “Yes. Your whole body.”

“Even my eye lashes?” I asked, my eyes filling with tears. I was very turned on but afraid of the pain.

“Even ze eye lashes!” Axel and Ludvig said in unison. They high fived and Ludvig burped. I became a little nervous that something was wrong with his stomach and that’s why they weren’t fucking me but I let it go because even if that was true, it wasn’t relevant. He also could’ve been lactose intolerant and having a reaction to the creme pastries.

The plucking went on for about six hours. A lot more “Ow!”s were exclaimed. I kept hoping that maybe Ludvig would finger me while Axel plucked away, but nothing like that ever happened. Around 8:15AM Axel put down the tweezers and sighed. Hair was everywhere. My whole body tingled and hurt.

“Done. You can go now.” He said.

I stared at them. They were just going to kick me out now? After all that? I ran my hands around the top of my head which was now completely bald and tender and a little bloody. A few tears ran down my cheeks. I wasn’t sad, I was just exhausted and confused.

“You guys don’t want to spoon or something? I felt that was pretty intimate, right?” I said.

“Spoon?” Ludvig asked, emitting one final burp. I stared at him. I knew that he knew what spooning meant and was just playing dumb. I stood up and put on my clothes. The cum in my underwear had dried and they were crusty and hard like plastic. I didn’t care. I didn’t ask Axel and Ludvig if they’d be back in Boston any time soon. I figured this didn’t need to happen again. I left the Airbnb and walked into the morning sunlight on the North End. It was cold out and I felt it even more because there was no hair on my body at all. Some people going about their morning routines stared at me. I knew I must have looked strange but I didn’t care.

As I waited for the Green Line train I realized that maybe the pain I was feeling right now was like the pain Jeffrey would secretly feel after the threesomes we would have, metaphorically. Even though I had been turned on, it had still been painful and I didn’t think I could do this kind of thing on a regular basis or maybe even ever again. I felt sad again for losing Hannah and Jeffrey but I understood more deeply than I ever had why Jeffrey had ended things between the three of us and the two of them.

As the train approached, I took out my phone and texted Jeffrey:

“Hey Jeffrey. Long time no talk. lol. I just got every hair on my entire body plucked by two Swedish DJs I met at Wonder Bar in Allston. I was turned on by the experience and it was really sexy and I came in my underwear a few times but overall, it was really painful and I’m not sure I could do it on a regular basis or maybe even ever again. I think I understand what you were going through with not liking the threesomes. I’m sorry.”