flying couch!!?

Before you can become something that resembles the human equivalent of a flapjack, a couch appears from out of nowhere. At least you think it's a couch. In fact it looks looks like the old couch you had in your apartment, before you started falling for no particular reason back to Earth. How you came to be falling back to earth in the first place is still a mystery which you, your mum, and a very anxious and horny girlfriend named Gertrude that you haven't met yet, hope manifests itself somewhere later in the story.

The couch flies toward you nonchalantly as it bursts out into a rousing chorus of "Born Free." For some silly reason, instead of calling out for help like any normal person would, you rub your eyes in disbelief. When you open them, you see the ground hurtling dangerously close to you. "HELP!" you finally scream, hoping to attract the couch's attention.

Your scream appears to have worked as the couch hurtles toward you at an unbelievably high rate of speed. It dives, swoops under you, and gently collects your person on its cushions. "OUCH!" you cry out. "Springs!"

"Would you rather your ass fall to the ground?" the couch asks, indignantly.

"No! No! I love springs in my ass!" you try to say without wincing, while wondering if it's a tetanus shot or a rabies shot you're going to be needing. "Thank you for saving me."

"No problemo. It was a pleasure saving your ass again. That's what friends are for" the couch says, matter of factly.

"What do you mean again?" you ask, your curiosity getting the best of you.

"Remember that night you brought home Gina, before you met Missy?"

"Uh, yeah."

"If I hadn't produced that nice little rubber thingy in the package from between my cushions, you'd be changing diapers right now" says the couch with an air of pride.

"Well thanks again for watching out for me" you say, still wondering why you don't wake up.

"Well, we males gotta stick together" says the couch. "Gina's ass was nice, but it still didn't feel right to my cushions. And Missy's ass? It's a little too firm and athletic for my tastes. I like my asses firm, but well rounded with a bit of jiggle to them." The couch continues "However I really do like Missy, which is why I tried to fatten her ass up a bit by producing all those candy bars and things. It was working for a while until she joined that bloody health club."

"So what are we doing here, any way, couch?" you finally work up the courage to ask.

"Well you see, I'm not really a couch. And that toilet you flushed, that sent you hurtling toward Earth? That wasn't really a toilet, either."

"Not a toilet?"

"Not a toilet. My wife, in real life" answers the couch. "You see, we were both placed under an enchanted spell by an evil dominatrix. To break the spell, you need to find the woman with the perfect ass, and make her cum all over us. Once that happens, we'll become human again, and all this insanity will come to an end."

"I don't get a say in this? What am I supposed to do? Bring home every girl, and say to her 'would you mind pulling down your knickers so my couch can see your ass'? They'll think I'm stark raving mad!" You sit there with your arms folded, glaring out at the clouds and birds as they pass you by.

"You're just being sarcastic" the couch begins.

"Sarcastic?" you say. "I have not yet begun to be sarcastic! How would you like to be flushing a toilet one minute, safe and sound in your own flat, then falling to your **** the next? Then to top it all off, be rescued by a flying couch who needs you to find the girl with the perfect ass, so he and his wife, the toilet, can become human again? I must be insane! That's the only logical explanation I can think of."

"Listen, I know how you feel. How would you like to be a couch for five years? All those asses sitting on you, farting on you. You think that's fun? And you! Stop eating those cabbage rolls, will you?"

"Okay, I'm sorry. This is all so hard to believe, you know?" You pat the cushions of the couch in sympathy.

"Yeah, I know" the couch answers. "Listen, we need to get started on this quest. My wife and I only have so much time before the enchantment becomes permanent."

"Well, where do you suggest we start then, partner?"

"Now that's the spirit!" says the couch. "I know the perfect place."

The couch gracefully flies through the sky until it finds the desired location. It makes its descent and soft lands on a field, depositing you lightly on the ground. "See you at home!" says the couch as it takes off into the wild blue yonder.

You watch as the couch flies off homeward. After it's out of sight, you turn around. Then you turn around again, and start running for your life. "Bloody hell!" you yell. "A rugby scrum?"