...and find solace in service

Going to visit the broodmothers was never enjoyable. Teysa always seemed to derive some satisfaction from it, but Aliara had never been the charitable type. Right now, though, it was a welcome distraction.

Lil'esh followed her down the corridor towards the broodmothers' cave with a canvas bag slung over her shoulder. Inside, clay jars of ambrosia clinked softly together. She'd also sauteed some mushrooms over a fire in her room and wrapped them in silk. A drow delicacy, she claimed. "I've been bringing them food," she explained, "but I don't know what else they need. What do you do down here?"

"I talk to them," Aliara said. "Brush their hair. Walk them around the caves a few times. When they first came off the wall, their muscles were all wasted and thin. Even if their minds are gone, their bodies should work, at least. They should be comfortable."

"Are they?" Lil'esh asked. For a moment, Aliara was lost.

"Are they comfortable? I dunno, we do our best. I don't think they--"

"No, no. Their minds. Are they gone?"

"I hope so." Aliara grimaced. "The alternative is pretty horrible to think about. Why do you care, anyways?"

"Well..." Lil'esh began, and shrugged. "I don't know. Probably you're right. But if they are in there, maybe they can come back someday?"

"They're not coming back, Lil'esh," Aliara said. "You haven't seen them. Some of them... I think Tivya was up on the wall for decades. Can you imagine that? Year in, year out... the only people you can talk to are other prisoners... you see them arrive, hang for a while, then die... and over and over again, it's your turn to be violated and mutilated. Her mind broke, or retreated, or something. There was nothing left for her out here."

"You're probably right," Lil'esh replied. "I can't imagine what that must have been like. I'm so sorry, Aliara."

She had better not touch me, Aliara thought, and indeed for a moment it looked like Lil'esh was going to extend an arm. Aliara's expression must have stopped her. Instead, she just shook her head and looked away.

"It was..." Aliara groped for the words. "It was miserable. Dehumanizing. I was blind at the time. Blind, confused... But I had Teysa with me. That made it... that made it easier." Why am I telling this girl all this? "It doesn't matter. It's over and done with. That's another reason to keep the broodmothers healthy. As long as they're here, there's no danger of the driders deciding they might need my womb again." As she spoke, though, she remembered the second brood she'd borne, the pleasure she'd felt... she tried not to think about that. It was too confusing. Just because something was enjoyable once doesn't mean it would be good for me. Nor that I want to have it happen again.

Fortunately, they had arrived at the round cave, sparing Aliara the need to continue this conversation. She pointed towards Rhuti's cell. "There. Rhuti has a brood in her now. Let's see what she needs."

To her surprise, Rhuti was wearing a silken robe when they arrived. All of the broodmothers had been provided with clothes, but most didn't bother with them. Aliara wasn't sure if they lacked the presence of mind to dress, or if the feel of silk against their skin reminded them of their bondage. Rhuti had wrapped herself in a robe, though she'd only managed to put one of her arms through the sleeves. She was sitting on the floor with her belly jutting out before her and her back pressed up against a stalagmite.

"Rhuti?" Aliara said, ducking under the lintel. "How are you today?"

The dwarf looked up at the sound of her name. Her eyes were glassy. Her mouth hung slightly open. She didn't speak, of course, but her gaze was clear and her head was steady. The floor in front of her was littered with pebbles. Some had been piled up into pyramids, but she had placed others in lines or circles or crosses. They reminded Aliara of formations on a battlefield: little stone soldiers, marching endlessly across the cave floor to fight their meaningless battles.

"What are these?" Lil'esh asked, crouching down next to her. "Are they soldiers? Dwarves?"

Aliara hadn't expected her to answer, but Rhuti shook her head. She held out both hands, fingers splayed, and wiggled them to and fro. "What does that mean, Rhuti?" Lil'esh asked. "Spiders? People? Running?"

Aliara stood a few feet away, watching the scene and shaking her head. "Does it have to mean something, Lil'esh?" she said. "I told you, they're not coming back. She's not in there."

Lil'esh straightened and turned to look at her. "Why come down here, then? Why bother bathing her, if she's just a husk? A husk doesn't care if she's clean."

"It's just... what you do," Aliara said. "You don't leave someone to fend for themselves like that. I don't know, ok? I promised, that's all. I don't want to break my promise."

Lil'esh held up her hands in a gesture of surrender. "Alright! I'm sorry, I'm not trying to push you. I think it's the right thing to do, too. Come on, she needs a bath."

Between the two of them, they womanhandled Rhuti over to her pool and peeled her out of her robe. She sat there, round and pink and shivering, but made no move to cover herself. Aliara's lip curled in involuntary disgust. They gently lowered Rhuti into the water until she was sitting on a shelf just below the surface, then Aliara handed Lil'esh a clean cloth and began to scrub.

"You know," Lil'esh said quietly, "I'd be willing to take care of these poor women. If you were to go." She didn't look up as she spoke. She seemed intent on Rhuti's armpit.

"What?" Aliara asked, momentarily nonplussed.

"I mean... if this is all that's keeping you here, then you don't have to worry. I'll pick up the slack."

"Do you want me gone?" Aliara asked. She had meant the question light-heartedly, but Lil'esh looked up with a hurt expression on her face.

"No! Not at all! But I don't want you to feel trapped. I know how that can hurt. Before I was here, I was living with House Thyfil. I was supposed to marry their youngest son when he came of age." She shuddered. "Beastly child. He thought of me as a servant and his mother encouraged him. He kept telling 'when we're wed, you'll have to do whatever I say.' Nobody hit that boy enough, and it shows." She gave a mirthless little laugh. "Believe me, next to that, living with a bunch of spider-women really doesn't seem so bad."

"Oh." Aliara wasn't sure what response was expected of her. "Well, I appreciate the offer, but... I'm not sure if I'm going to leave yet."

"Is it Teysa?" Lil'esh laid down her cloth and folded her hands. "Do you not want to leave her?"

"This is kind of personal, Lil'esh," Aliara said. "Why do you care, anyways? You barely know me. What am I to you? Your fighting master's girlfriend?"

Now it was Lil'esh's turn to look awkward. "I'm sorry, Aliara. I didn't mean to pry. It's just that..." she sighed. "It's just that I admire you. I always have. Teysa always spoke-- speaks so highly of you. And the warren needs you. You may not think so, but it's true."

"'The warren.' What do you know what the warren needs? You've barely been here a few months!"

"You're right." Was Lil'esh blushing? It was hard to tell under the stony grey of her cheeks, but Aliara thought she could see roses blooming in them. "I just... I can't explain it. I feel at home here. I never did at my actual home. The driders are... strange, but they're friendly enough, and they want to be our allies. They want to be friends with us. And there's--"

She cut herself off in a hurry and picked up her cloth again. "Anyways," she went on, "I wouldn't blame you if you left. But I'd like to see you stay."

Aliara wasn't sure why she spoke up then. Perhaps it was just the pressure of holding her feelings inside. Lil'esh wasn't exactly a friend, but she was someone to talk to, and Aliara's supply of those (never robust to begin with) had dwindled down to one.

"It's Teysa," she said, and once she had spoken those two words, the rest was easier. "I... have you ever been in love, Lil'esh?"

The drow paused for a moment, and then shook her head.

"Well, I thought for a long time-- a long time-- that I never would be. I just didn't have room for it in my life. Then Teysa happened to me, and it was weird and scary and comfortable. Like you said. It just felt right. I started making plans for the future, which I never used to do. Used to be, the future was never longer than two meals. It's easier that way."

"Now, she's... she's different. She's one of them. And I keep thinking: what if that's not her anymore? What if the person I made all those plans with is dead? I had this idea of how my future would go, and for the first time in my life I liked it, and maybe all that is gone now. And I can't even face her and talk to her about it. As long as I don't see her or talk to her, I can tell myself that maybe it'll all work out, maybe we can get through this. Maybe my future is still on track after all. But if I do, and it turns out she's gone... what do I do then? I'll have to leave. And I have to decide soon. I can't avoid her forever."

The brittle silence held for a moment or two, then Lil'esh spoke quietly. "I don't know what my future holds, either. I thought I did, and I hated it. Now I'm uncertain. But I want to find out with the people I care about. I know that life changes us. This isn't where I expected to be. But sometimes you have to change." She finished and laid down her cloth, letting Rhuti's arm splash into the water. "The change to drow society is certainly good. We're better than we were. And that's thanks to you and Teysa. You make a good team."

Aliara finished scrubbing the back of Rhuti's neck and tossed her cloth over her shoulder. "Look, I appreciate your... whatever you're trying to do here. But this is my business, and I'm going to deal with it. Thank you for helping me with Rhuti. If you think that means I owe you something, though..."

"No! Nothing like that." Lil'esh stood up and bowed, her movements a little stiff. "No. I am sorry, Aliara, if I transgressed. I will say no more."

"Well... alright then. Good." Aliara coughed once and stood up herself. "Let's dry her off and go see how Tivya's doing."