Your roommate sleeping

You find your roommate sleeping on his bed. His side of the room is a real mess, with clothes strewn everywhere, dirty dishes from the cafeteria, fast food bags, and every flat surface covered with something. Some of the mess bleeds over onto your side.

You kneel next to his head. He is turned your way a little.

"Wake up, Dan. Wake up, Dan. Wake up, Dan." Dan's eyes open and he takes a breath to speak. "Before you say anything, just listen to me. In fact, go back to sleep, but keep listening to me." His eyes close. Dan's pretty willful, so being asleep must have made it easier to command him. You test him. "Stick out your tongue, and then tell me one to your secrets."

Dan stuck his tongue out, and then says, "I masturbate to Celine Dion concerts." Definitely controlled. Now to begin.

"You are very clean. You like to have a clean room. You never leave your stuff lying out. You never leave your stuff on my side of the room." You pause to think how to phrase this next.

"Every week, you will take an extra twenty dollars out of the ATM and put it in my desk drawer. Then you will forget that you've done this." That ought to pay you back what he owes you by the end of the semester. "You will start pulling your weight in terms of sharing food, booze, ****, cigarettes, and ... um, girls. If I am pursuing a girl, you will stay away from them. You will always let me have the room for the purposes of sex. You will eat with your mouth closed. Do you understand my commands?"

"Yes, Simon."

That seems to cover it. "Answer my questions truthfully. Do you have any cash right now?"

"Yes," is his reply. You look in his wallet in his desk drawer. He has $60 in cash. You take $20 out and leave the rest.

"You spent $20 on, um, lunch and coffees today."

"Okay, Simon."

"Now you will forget we had this talk and fulfill your tasks. Go back to sleep until you wake up naturally."