You can never go home again...

You never understood that phrase until you stand outside your own front door, with your loving road buddy by your side. You remember that the first time you saw El', you thought they looked like the kind of bimboi you could bring home to meet your father. Now you are, only El' is hiding a baseball back behind their bat in case things get wild, and you are expecting best case is that they don't have to use it.

You can never go home again...but you can knock on the door. To your surprise, it opens quickly, as if your father had been frantically waiting for your return. When you see the harried look in his eyes, the unkempt stubble and gaunt, sallow face of a man that hasn't been able to eat or sleep, you almost believe he's been looking for you this whole time. "Amy! Thank God! I've been looking all over for you! Oh thank God...thank guh SNIFF guh SOB gaaaaaaaah!" Your father falls to his knees, his arms hanging helplessly at his sides as he sobs and sobs and sobs.

You can never go home again...not with the rock of your childhood crushed and crying before you. El' gives you a look that asks, 'do I still need the bat' and you wave them over to help you carry your dad inside. You love being able to communicate without words with your pretty partner in crime. You know she has your back, but is comfortable letting you take the lead when you need to. You set down your pitiful paterfamilias on his favorite easy chair, and despite your disappointment in him, you let him lay his heavy head in your hands, drenching them in tears and kisses. Eventually, you feel your patience stretching thin and ask, "So how did you know my new name? And if you've been looking for me, why didn't I know about it?"

Your dad looks at you dazed, as if he still isn't sure if he's dreaming, and doesn't dare say the wrong thing and wake himself up. Still, even a surly stoic like him can see when you are tired of waiting on him to man up and explain himself. "I'm SNIFF sorry. Oh God, Amy, I'm so sorry. I should have told you I knew! I should have told you I was okay with it! I should have talked to you instead of hiring Becca to tempt you into discovering the real you! I shouldn't have let you leave...I thought you just needed a little more time to tell me...but I never thought you'd run away. Then Becca wouldn't tell me where you were, just that you were happy and safeish and that your name was Amy. I begged...offered a fortune, but she said she doesn't trust daddies...and I guess I don't blame her. Oh, God...I'm so suh SOB suh SNIFF sorreeeeeeee!"

You can never go home again...but you can console your fallen father, even forgive him, but you're not ready to trust him, not because you think he'll try to hurt you, but because you don't know that he can help himself. You can do a lot, but you can't raise your dad now that he's finally realized he has the emotional maturity of a toddler. "It's okay, dad. I'm fine. I'm happy. I've got an exciting road ahead of me and the love of my life to walk it with me. I can't stay here anymore. It's got too many bad memories and even more good ones. I'll stay in touch though, and I hope your road keeps intersecting with mine."

Your father looks up at you, drying his tears and looking at you proudly as he says, "I guess what they say is true...you can never go home again. You're your own person now, Amy, and I know you'll do remarkable things. Just seeing you so strong and open and self confident is already so much more than I was able to teach you. I will though...I'll be a better man. One day, I hope you'll be as proud of me as I am of you. In the meantime, I'll be there for you the best I can, anytime you need me. You or your road partner...you're family."

El' finally drops the bat and introduces themselves. After some awkward well meaning acknowledgement of how 'well they've grown up', they start just talking with each other and get along a lot better than you expected. Dad whips up some ubereats, his best recipe, and you give him a slightly censored version of your recent history. You realize you might not have censored as much as you planned as your dad blushes brighter than you've ever seen and babbles, "So...it's nice that you two are so GULP compatible. I hope that principal isn't still in charge of students though."

"Ha! She's in charge of sucking cocks at the local branch of the SJC!" El' interjects and your dad blushes brighter than YOU ever have. You all laugh and for a moment it feels like you are home again...not your childhood home, even though literally you are, but a new home that you're building beam by blushing beam.

You can't go home again, but on your journey you know you will build a veritable village of new homes both temporary and permanent. El' has enough space for you to live in their heart, and they can weekend and winters in yours. You no longer feel the weight of the past crushing down on you, and the present is such a nice place to stay, that tomorrow is just one more thing to look forward to instead of dread.

You can never go home again...

But you can bring it with you with every step...

(The Amy branch is dedicated to the real life Amy, a cutie with a big heart anyone would be lucky to call home.)