Winding down

It is 5:30 am by the time I get home. I take a shower and process for a while. Thursday might be rough workday with such little sleep, and then I also need to work late with Victoria. The chances of me making a dumb mistake is pretty high, but I feel like tonight’s excitement was worth it. I am as surprised as Tonya that I went through with it. A couple weeks ago I wouldn’t have even considered doing anything like that. The addictive thrill I get every time I screw Victoria over is emboldening me to take things a lot farther. But I am afraid that all these dark **** fantasies are spilling over into my other relationships.

{if tonya_rundark = true}I really pushed it with Tonya tonight... Other than agreeing to the safe word, the line between what I did and what a real **** would have done is feels like a technicality. I should feel more guilty than I do. I should...but she also needs to get put in her place once in a while. Someone has to do it. If I happen to be the person in the right place, at the right time...then I guess it is my job for now.

{else}I had some dark urges tonight... Thankfully I didn’t act on them. I'd like to think that that is the end of it, but she brings out a duality in me and I don't know which way I'll go from moment to moment. I am surprised how much fun I am having hanging out with her, but she also needs to learn some life lessons, and maybe I can help, but if I start treating everyone like I intend to treat Victoria... I shiver at the thought. I can think of some sick things, and not many people in the world deserve that.

{endif}

I get out of the shower and weigh sleeping vs just staying up. My head is so full of so many noisy thoughts that sleep might not come, at least not immediately, and I'd probably feel worse after barely hitting the deep sleep phase... I guess I’ll just hit the gym and caffeinate heavily instead. I get my gym clothes on and work clothes ready.

I grab my wallet. {if Money < 100}I am very close to broke.{else}My funds are pretty low.{endif} I need to be thrifty until Rachel can pay me back.{if victoria_thongsold = true} Selling Victoria’s underwear to Tom helped, but I doubt he can afford to do that again.{endif} I need to get serious about finding another revenue stream or I will never get free from this situation. I’m glad that Victoria is paying for dinner at least.

I leave my apartment with some trepidation. This could be a harrowing day.