What War is she talking about?

I watched the woman dance about in the sand, trying to keep a straight face. It was funny, I would give her that, but I didn't know if laughing would end the discussion or dream, or whatever this was. All I know was that as far as things went, it felt more real than anything I had ever experienced before.

Eris glanced in my direction, then ceased her motion. She looked at me with a disgusted expression.

"You really are Mrs. Constant, aren't you? Never failing, never flagging, always forgiving. That was a compliment, not an answer so you can nod your head on this one. Honest!"

I glanced at her hands, and noticed that one was tightly held behind her back. The Smart money said she was crossing her fingers.

"You don't believe me, do you!" She laughed. "I'm Not lying about everything of course, but enough. And you have no way of knowing whether I'm lying, or they are." She held her hand out and I noticed that she did not have her fingers crossed this time.

"So, this is the last question you get to ask before the judgement." She laughed, and I felt the apple heavy in my hand again. I looked down at the golden fruit which seemed to momentarily shine with an internal light. I thought I could read an inscription.

"Te Kalliste"

"So simple, isn't it? Who'd have thought such a dumb question would kill so many people?" Eris shrugged. "You know, greatest hits, gotta play em every show. I keep wanting to put in a remix, but that usually gets overridden."

"But sometimes... well, a little nudge in the right direction can change everything. That's what happens when myth is made." Eris smirked. "You scramble a few things up, make things a little different, but the big thing... Well, you have to understand what people believe. It gets crazy sometimes. There's even a myth that if you put a penny on a train track, it will derail a huge locomotive. Makes no sense, I mean, logically, the weight would crush it. It seems too easy to blame a huge machine falling apart on one tiny, practically worthless piece of metal... You little bitch, you got me Monologuing! I have given away WAY too much stuff. First time anybody kept me talking this long, actually. You listened to a LOT of guys talk about themselves for a long time, so it figures."

Eris stepped past me, and I turned, watching her step to the very edge of the lapping tide. She reached down, and ran her fingers through the sand in a indescribable flutter.

"The Judgement of Penelope... heh, that actually sounds pretty awesome as far as a myth goes." Eris laughed, "The gal who also got it wrong and proved that women can be just as awful as a man."

"And I KNOW what you're thinking! You're thinking, Oh wait, I'm a man, she can't be serious... Pffft, whatever, cutie. That's THIS lifetime. It's your first one as a guy, so no wonder you're really into the role. Military, Killer, ****... Don't want to fuck it up, right? Gotta prove that you're just as masculine as your husband! That happens for a lot of first timers."

Eris twirled for a moment, her feet making soft splashes in the receding waves. She stopped and looked at me with an impudent smirk.

"I'm not lying about as much as you think I am. Smart move learning to play bullshit with three of the best. So yeah, you can go into the judgement, have the exact same story as last time. But how fucking boring is THAT? Same story, you strip three goddesses naked, give one the apple after accepting the bribe and get rewarded with... drumroll please! THE MOST DESIRABLE WOMAN IN THE WORLD!"

She cupped her hands around her mouth and mimicked the sound of a cheering crowd.

"YEeeeeaaaaaahhhh. COME ON, SHOUT IT WITH ME! FNNNNOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRDDDDD!!!!! YEEEAAAAAH!!! You in the back too! I know you can HEAR ME!!!!!"

"Whoever gets picked next time will just fuck it up again." Eris laughed, "Don't WORRY about it so much! Come on, ask me a question! Acknowledge that I'm giving you an answer here!"

"How do I stop the war?" I asked bluntly. It was the first thing I thought of, but it was the most incongruous part of her story. The one thing that she had said which made no sense at all. The one thing that stood out in my mind.

Eris smirked at me and turned sideways. She slowly rotated her gaze to look at me and contemplated me with a sideways glance. "Clever girl..." she muttered.

I had to bite back a chuckle.

"So close... Ok. Damn, see, if I give you the straight answer, it ruins it. See, this is what sucks about being part of my family. They're way too smart for their own good. They say one thing and expect you to figure out the reference from context."

I looked at her with the blankest expression I could fake. This was making all sorts of sense, but I had to keep it together. Just for another moment.

"Think Harry Potter fans, except referencing an obscure series of fantasy books by a guy you've never heard of." Eris shrugged. "Then they judge you for not knowing it."

"That sucks..." I mumbled, and then realized my mistake.

"AAAAAND our time is up." Eris laughed. "Oh, that was fun. So much fun. Been almost... wow, almost two hundred and fifty years since the last time this one got played. I am rooting for you, Seriously. If we could have had a couple more Goddesses, I could have done something, but that's another ending. And yes, I'm totally breaking the fourth wall, readers. If you want a damn sex scene with ME, you gotta read the damn Principia Discordia to figure out where this idiot fucked up. Please tell him he needs to use that fucking penny in his pocket if he wants to get out of there."

I looked at her in confusion.

"If Deadpool gets to know he's in a comic book, I get to know I'm in a pornographic mythological Choose your Own Adventure. Deal with it."

The fog began to swirl, the sound of Eris' voice fading. In my hand, the apple seemed to pulse slightly, and a glimmer of light swelled within. The letters seemed to float slightly in my sight, like they floated on the top of a surface of molten metal. And then it was gone, and the fog swirled around my eyes, my last sight that of my hand clutching a golden fruit.