The Journey to Dragon Skull Fuck Mountain

The trek to Dragon Skull Fuck Mountain is arduous and unpleasant, in part because of the rocky trail and in part because as soon as you stepped outside of the castle, it began pouring rain. Trundle produced an umbrella, but he insists that only he can use it so that he can keep the packs dry. Fucking whatever. You're really starting to think this guy doesn't like you.

Either way you're more than happy to reach the end of the mountain trail, the gaping maw that is apparently the cave's entrance opened ominously before you. Okay, you're not so irritated that you can't still be impressed by this place. This is some seriously freaky stuff. They even have stalagmites pointing out of the cave's mouth, like it's going to chew you up or something? That sort of attention to detail doesn't happen by no one caring. You're actually a little nervous about going in despite yourself, but you really need some time alone and away from Trundle, who's spent the last several minutes going on and on about how you are going to be killed. It's really getting on your nerves.

You tie your anxious horse up at the mouth of the cave, giving her a soothing pat as you hoist your saddlebag onto your shoulder. Pretty sure you saw some snacks in there. "Okay, so, um, I'ma go in there and....kill the dragon. No need for you to come check on me, even if I take awhile. I'm cool."

Your manservant gives you an undisguisedly unpleasant smile. "I'll be sure to come and collect what's left of your bones in the morning, my liege." This fucking guy. Well whatever, you don't want to think about him for a while. Letting Trundle's jabs go unanswered, you turn on your heels and begin your descent into The **** Cave at Dragon Skull Fuck Mountain.

Whoa, this really is an impressive place. Most theme parks just use cheap stucco and plaster for this sort of thing, but as far as you can tell this is a real limestone cave. Every bit of the vast cavern appears to have been naturally eroded over years and years, with real flowstone glimmering across the walls and twisting tunnels branching out from the central chamber. It's also genuinely hot and humid; there is definitely a water source somewhere deeper in the system. Well, no reason you have to keep all your costume on. You quickly slip out of your chainmail coat and thick woolen vest, immediately more comfortable in just your leggings and a thin undershirt. Whoa, you're looking sort of buff! Horseback riding must really be a great exercise, you've got some real definition going on! You certainly feel like you've had a hard workout, your toned muscles are sore as hell. What you really want is a bath, but you'll settle for a good nap. Speaking of which, is that snoring you hear?

You wander up to the primary chamber, figuring that was the best place to check. At least you assume it's the primary chamber; it's directly in front and someone went to all the trouble to carve a giant screaming skull into its entrance, so if it's not then that's just a lot of wasted effort. You poke your head inside, glancing with a degree of disinterest at the seemingly endless horde of golden treasure that the vast room is stuffed to the rafters with. Man, it must have been a real pain in the ass lugging all these fake coins up here. The blackened skeletons are a nice touch though.

Still, the snores aren't coming from here, so you turn and follow your ears down a side tunnel, glad that someone's taken the time to set up the occasional torch down here. Maybe there's some sort of employee break room stashed away out of sight? Sure enough, you eventually find a warm little antechamber tucked away at the very end of the passage, sleepy snuffles echoing out. Better be quiet; don't want to disturb anyone else. You poke your head in and are mildly surprised to see that the little room is all but covered in wall paintings, some old and rather crude while others are newer looking and pretty darn impressive. There are forest scenes, fanciful looking animals, and even a depiction of the night's sky on the ceiling that is as good any you've ever seen. In the middle of it all, bizarrely, is what looks almost like a giant hamster nest of torn up clothes and debris, tangled up and smooshed together into what almost looks like a comfy-ish bed. And nestled snugly in the middle of it, snoring like a freight train, is the most beautiful girl you've ever seen. Who is also, apparently, the dragon.

She couldn't be much older than you, maybe twenty, with a vast mane of golden orange hair splayed all around her. It's so thick and wild that you almost don't notice the thick, coppery horns nearly flush to either side of her head. What you thought at first were of freckles sprinkled cutely across her heart-shaped, piquant face are on closer inspection little gold and copper scales, glinting prettily in the low light of the room. You come to the abrupt realization that her toned, pale body is all but naked, a loincloth wrapped around her tight bottom and ample thighs, a cute little nub of a tail idly wagging behind her, while a rag does its best to keep a pretty stellar pair of breasts contained. She's curled in a peaceful ball in her bed of refuse, cuddled up to a sack that someone has stuffed, sewn together, and then painted a big smiley face on. You were expecting something more Smaug-y, but fuck. You're not complaining.

She looks so comfortable that you almost can't bear to disturb her, but you think it would probably freak her out if she woke up and discovered some dude she's never met sleeping next to her. Better wake her up and introduce yourself.

You carefully step into the room, giving the dragon actress a bit of space before clearing your throat. She snorts in response, rolling over and in the process causing a plump little nipple to pop out of her overtaxed top. Oh geez, this is going to be awkward. Quite flushed now, you cough even louder. This time, it gets the job done, as the girl cracks open an eye and rolls over, groggily peering at you. Time to pour on the charm.

"Hey, um....hey, your boob's out."