The Imperial Guard Party and the Darwin School of Veterancy Part 1

I fucking hate orks. Imagine the hottest Sports Illustrated swimsuit model you've ever seen, now make her 8 to ten feet tall, give her green skin, a bit of muscle definition, and the ability to hulk out and grow tusks whenever they get into a fight. Now have that charging at you while you're ankle deep in a muddy trench firing a lasgun like mad to kill this amazonian monstergirl with a bunch of men and women trying to do the same thing.

The battle wasn't too complicated to follow. The orks charged our lines and we killed them. The orks attacked again and we killed them. The orks charged a third time and we killed them, but now ammo was running low. I had to use every ounce of willpower I could to stay sane as a few of my squadmates died horribly next to me or got yanked out the trench and thrown over an ork's shoulder to be taken back to their camp as a ****.

Getting enslaved by orks is bad. Bad enough that you'll wish they killed you. Guardswomen are used as labor slaves until they literally drop dead of exhaustion then get fed to squigs while guardsmen are somewhat pampered when they are being using like living sex toys and/or breeding studs. Apparently orks in this version of 40k can pump out a half dozen kids after a week of them getting knocked up in addition to the whole thing with spores.

The orks broughts a tank after that and one of my squadmates decided to run, the rest died, and I decided to call in an artillery strike and run like hell in the general direction of the nearest squad before the area was blasted to bits. It is around this time that I meant Sarge and Greta "Gretchin" Greenskin.

Greta was an actual gretchin. She was part of a group of them that jumped me and surrendered as soon I took out all her buddies. What can I say? I have a soft spot in my heart for pathetic and cowardly weaklings. Greta became the first gretchin ever to enlist in the Imperial Guard not long after Sarge and I were relieved by frsh reserve troops coming from the rear, but that's a story for another time. Seriously, there are still guardsmen that tell the tale of a grunt who managed to bullshit his way out of an execution and get a gretchin enlisted as a loyal servant of the God-Empress.

Fighting continued for another four months and a nervous wreck of a woman named Twitch joined my squad not long after Sarge and Greta. She was a wizard with explosives, incredibly paranoid after an ork commando team wiped out her team in front of her. Spent a whole week keeping Twitch from burying a field knife in Greta's face and Greta from pulling the pin on one of Twitch's grenades and hiding it in her pocket. We were finally relieved by a veteran regiment, got a couple of months of R&R, mustered up a couple of platoons of reinforcements, partied like a bunch of Imperial Navy boys on shoreleave, and once again woke up to find a satisfied Sarge on my left, a grinning Greta on my right, and a naked Twitch walking in with the recaf and aspirin. Pretty good way to end a first deployment. Then we sent to fight some traitor guard. Fuck me sideways that sucked.