The Hitchhiker's Guide to Earth

Mostly Harmless, Provided that you are willing to follow several extremely important safety guidelines.

First, keep in mind that the inhabitants of the planet are a incredibly immature race, obsessed with games, rubbing up against one another and giving each other surprise gifts of metal in various bodily locations. If you are allergic to traumatic insertion of metal, it is advised to avoid playing any games with the inhabitants which involve the words "Doom, Hell, Monday Night" or "Revival". It is also strongly advised to avoid any local inhabitants wearing uniforms of any kind as they have a nasty tendency to play games that involve whacking, not that there is anything wrong with it, as any of the Poncheen Bog people will tell you, but many organic species find blunt impact and plant secretions in the visual centers to be be unenjoyable. (Although the comedy riot game in Bunol, Spain is a treat to be fully enjoyed as they use non active plant secretions. Unfortunately it is only held once a year, so your odds of enjoying any particular riot is approximately one in three hundred and sixty five, with a little wiggle room.)

Secondly, while it may be highly tempting to show off your advanced knowledge and enlighten the locals, as is standard with most impoverished and backwards planets, do NOT do this on Earth. Humans are incredibly proud of their ignorance, and the immediate **** reactions to simple new concepts are always unpredictable and frightening. Most humans will immediately seize upon any new concept as an immediate savior or dire threat, which of course leads to behavior that is either embarrassing or uncomfortable. Both of which make it hard to enjoy a drink in a pub.

Finally, under no circumstances arrive without having your exit well planned and ready in advance. As with all impoverished backwaters, it's only a couple days away from general slaughter at any given time. Assembling a deep space communications array can be done by any moron, of course, but locating all of the items can be extremely frustrating, and for some reason humans like digging pits at random all over the place. This of course is compounded by the human tendency to use the galactic standard all clear color of orange as a caution sign, resulting in all of the standard confusion that you could expect.

Food:

Food on the planet mostly consists of shredded flesh of hoofed mammals pressed between starch disks and garnished with plant squeezings and insect larvae. It pretty much tastes the same everywhere, and you can get it at the sign of the golden buttocks. While there are numerous other variations and symbols, the standardization process on the planet ensures that no matter where you go or where you eat, you'll get pretty much the same stuff.

It is highly recommended that if you do visit this planet with an intent on gastronomical adventures, you travel a bit more afield and sample the local cuisine. While the vast majority of them are considered heretics and are whittled away one by one in public executions on national broadcasts, occasionally you will come across a dogged priest or priestess of the old way of cooking, throwing pans at people and screaming at them to get out of his or her kitchen. If you do eat at one of those rare joys, do not tell anyone, lest the government send one of their vicious secret police, known as the "Health Inspectors". These fanatical zealots will pore over every bit of the food, and immediately close the place if the services do not conform to the rules of the local Cleanliness Cult. Of course, dispensations can be bought, but they are extremely expensive at the level needed for permanent protection.

Lodging:

Lodging on Earth can be surprisingly hard to come by. Most Earth hotels do not accept anonymous registrations, and explaining that your mailing address is on Eltanin can make things difficult. Time was that this could be solved easily simply by handing the hotel a large stack of paper bank notes, but unfortunately that loophole has been closed. The plastic chits that are currently in use are extremely hostile to hitchhikers, requiring proof of birth on Earth. While procuring the necessary documents is very easy, it is also annoying and boring, which is the exact opposite reason that you are hitchhiking in the first place.

Another old tactic that used to work involved pretending not to speak the local language. In most countries, this will ensure that you at least are put up for the night. However, you might have to deal with a surprise metal stab or two in order to achieve this, and humans like to play games with their surprise metal jabs, which sometimes are made especially fun with lethal doses of cyanide. As such, this tactic is of limited use to most carbon based life forms, and while the drunk tank is a wonderful place to catch up on your scatological stories, it is not advisable for long term lodging.

Currently the best solution seems to be good old fashioned sleeping out in the middle of a field. This has become extremely popular with humans as of late, and you will not seem out of place. Bathing has become optional at this point, but might interfere with some of your enjoyment, as humans seem to prefer their discussions to occur without scent marker coordinations. Bringing along a portable survival shelter is highly advised due to toxic aerial fallout on occasion, known locally as "Rain". I still hear horror stories about a woman from Orion who melted away under a deliberate **** by a juvenile delinquent from Omaha, or Kansas, or one of those other barbaric backwaters. Just be careful, as evicting humans from your survival shelter can be surprisingly difficult, as you will face numerous challenges that make no sense like, "We're all in this together" and "Man, we're all children of God".

Entertainment

It's highly advised that you catch one of the local's favorite past times, a small regional war. While humans will happily stick you in a uniform and put you on the front line, it's usually a better idea to stay back from the action, and let the game play out from a safe distance. While your odds aren't terrible actually playing, the cost of medical treatment is not covered by most insurances, and human medics have a nasty tendency to prescribe euthanasia for the most minor of internal injuries.

If you aren't interesting in the full scale wars, of course, there are numerous simulations of them for you to enjoy, as humans greatly enjoy pitting themselves against each other in senseless destruction. While the local professional sports play, you will often see the full gamut of warfare tactics, from bombing runs and phalanx clashes, all the way up to propaganda attacks and economic warfare on other teams. It's quite entertaining, but never seems to get resolved.

Theater is of course also obsessed with these contests, and the best plays and films usually revolve around either mating conflicts or economic control. It's a great way to pick up local customs, of course, but be advised that the more truthful and honest the portrayal, the less you want to present that to humans. For a look at how they actually expect you to act, the genre known as "Reality" is by far the most predictive. Soon, you too will find yourself betrayed, sold out for the slightest advantage, and waxing philosophical on points that a stoned sophomore would feel were a bit too esoteric.

Sex:

Here's what you should do if you ever want to have sex with a human.

Forget it.

Humans are the worst lovers in the Galaxy. Not actually disgusting, but petty, self-absorbed, ignorant and callous. If you date a human, they will not let you even think about sleeping with another sentient being without asking permission, letting them think on it a while, checking back, having them check with their therapist, think about it some more, writing to an advice column which says it's a bad idea, confronting you about your irrational and selfish desires, sleeping on the couch for a bit, filing for divorce, and finally finding out that the person actually just liked you as a friend and you were reading way too much into it.

On no account should you allow a Human to read Fanfiction to you.