The First Temptation of John

A knock ran on my door while I was lying down in bed, browsing memes on my phone. I had the Ancient Holy Book next to me. It was now like my wallet or phone, it would never leave my side from now on.

“Come in,” I said, answering the knock. Mom looked ravishing in her conservative dress that went below her knees and a cardigan. Her shirt tucked away her large breasts, and she had a hair clip tying up her short blonde hair.

“John dear, will you come to church with your sister Mary and your mother?” My mom asked.

My first response was to answer, of course. But I had to remember my rules. They still saw me as a lost sheep. I had to make my case that they needed to convert me.

“I think I’ll stay at home,” I said.

Mom had a frown on her face, “But dear… you seem to be so taken with your new book. I thought maybe you had wanted to come back to the church.”

“Nah, I've only interested in it in a literary sense. It’s still great fiction. Like all great fairytales they have to be studied,” I said.

Mom looked horror-stricken at this statement, “Dear, please come to church. The way you talk… I fear for your salvation. You don’t want to spend an eternity in damnation, do you?”

“Damnation?” I laughed. “If God punishes us for not believing in him and not attending his stupid ceremony every week, he’s a bit of a narcissistic asshole, isn’t he?”

Mom looked dejected. I felt bad. I never openly criticized or mocked her religious beliefs. I don’t believe in it, but I was a horny asshole and wanted in her asshole.

“That’s really too bad,” Mom sighed. “Church would have been so much more joyous if I were sitting next to my handsome boy while we attended to God’s word.”

Wait... What? Was she hitting on me?

Sighing again, Mom said, “And your cousins Shirley and Judith will be there too. My sister-wife Marsha tells me how they long to see you again in church. They both said they would do anything to get you back in the flock.”

“Anything?” I asked. “What does that mean?”

“Well, they are young women. I suppose if our tongues can’t convince you with words, maybe they can work in other ways.”

I hardened at this insinuation.

“Mom, I’m more than open to suggestions,” I blurted.

Mom came towards me and sat on my lap. She ran her fingers on my chest, and I was frozen there. She was trying to woo me back to church!

“If you attend church I’m sure there are many women there who can convince you the joy of the faith,” She whispered in my ears, "I'm sure I can give my boy a gift of flesh if he just listens to the word of God for a while..."

Kissing my cheek, she let me go and stood up and walked to the door. I could swear she was sensuously swaying her thick hips on purpose as she left.

Well, that settles it. I needed to go to the church and be given the full pitch. I mean thinking back I really wasn’t that open-minded towards faith, I thought. If only some gorgeous women could convince me.

I opened my book again. Church would be a fucking bore. Time to make it more exciting.