Take the Envelope (THE END)

"You know Monty..." I began looking carefully at the microphone, "I must say that of all these choices I.... OH SOD IT."

I suddenly grabbed the microphone out of Monty's Hand and addressed the Camera.

"I didn't want to do this! I didn't want to prattle on all day about magic and powers, and goddesses and prizes! I had something bigger in mind..."

"Wait... what does this have to do with..." Monty began to argue.

"I... I wanted to be... A PHILOSOPHER!" I ignored him, striking a confident pose and again addressing the camera. "LEAPING from thought to thought as they float down the mighty collective mythic unconsciousness. "

The Paradox!

The Dogma!

The Reflection!

The Pot Smoking!

The Hitting on Graduate Students!

With mah Best Girls by my side!

We'd Sing! SING! SING!

(piano vamp)

"Είμαι φιλόσοφος και είμαι εντάξει (I'm A Philosopher, and I'm OK)

I don't do shit, and collect my Pay!"

The curtains flew open, to reveal a masked Greek Chorus, which chanted along, in perfect syncopation.

"είναι φιλόσοφος και είναι εντάξει (He's a Philosopher, and he's OK)

He don't do shit, and collects his PAAAAY!"

I cut some stone, I eat my lunch,

I sleep with a girl or three.

A couple of months later

I have to deal with a pregnancy!!!!

CHORUS: He cuts some stone, he eats his lunch,

He sleeps with a girl or three.

A couple of months later

He has to deal with a pregnancy!!!!

"Είμαι φιλόσοφος και είμαι εντάξει (I'm A Philosopher, and I'm OK)

I don't do shit, and collect my Pay!"

I cut some stone, I kick some ass,

I fought in several wars.

I've heard what the priests are selling,

And find them all big bores.

Greek Chorus: He cuts some stone, He kicks some ass,

He fought in several wars.

He's heard what the priests are selling,

And finds them all big bores...????

A disturbed mumble ran through the chorus before they composed themselves and returned to the song at hand.

"Είμαι φιλόσοφος και είμαι εντάξει (I'm A Philosopher, and I'm OK)

I don't do shit, and collect my Pay!"

I cut some stone, I wear loud clothes,

My kingdom FOR a HORSE!

I wish I'd been a girlie

But for now, I'll stick the course.

Chorus: I cut some stone, I wear loud clothes???!!!!,

"My kingdom.... pretentious art... what The Hell, I thought this was porn... kill the author!... How long has it been since he had a sex scene... lousy..."

Disgusted, the Chorus filed off the stage sullenly, leaving me alone on the stage with an apple in a little case, and Six beautiful women in costume. I sighed, and walked to the side, hi-fiving a rather pretty woman in a shawl and sandals. I pulled the apple from the small case and handed it to her along with the envelope.

She smiled, and turned to the now empty seats, simply addressing the camera.

"Hello, I'm Penelope. Thank you for your attention. And welcome to the END of the Story. Now here's The Knowledge of Good And Evil."

"Thank you, Brent." She smiled at me sweetly, before returning to address the camera once again. Her fingers easily opened the envelope, pulling a small card from it. Which her eyes scanned eagerly.

"Oh, well, it's nothing very special." She smiled, her gray eyes flashing happily.

"Try not to get into other people's business, avoid eating processed foods, kill your Telly, get some walking in, and do unto others as you would have them do unto you."

"And Finally, here are some completely gratuitous **** scenes involving underage girls and animals to annoy the censors and to hopefully spark some sort of controversy, which, it seems, is the only way, these days, to get the jaded, anime-addicted public off their fucking arses and back to reading a good book."

"Romantic Erotica, bollocks. What they want is filth: Impregnations of Catholic Schoolgirls by Pygmy Klan Biker Rapists, Babysitters getting anatomically impossibly inflated by giant demonic penises, 9/11 futanari truthers strangling cuckold holocaust deniers, armed bands of fathers exterminating baby boomers whilst mind controlling their embarrassed nude granddaughters--

Where's the fun in Choose-Your-Own-Adventures?

Oh, well, there we are. Here's the theme music.

Goodnight.

Credit Music