Sidechapter of dubious canocity: BREAKING NEWS! New and exciting aquatic species found off the coast of Bay Cove! (Warning: Contains freaky shit and terrible pseudo-latin.)

The well-known news studio of WCNN, all sleek wood and metal, Glenn Turpins sitting in his usual spot. His looks and outfit, however, are not quite so usual - since the last report, Turpin's hair has grown into something that looks suspiciously like a short, androgynous bob, fitting his softened features, and his suit is rather more light and form-fitting than before. His tie runs straight between two modest mounds barely conceiled by his button-down shirt.

"Hiii~--" Turpin's voice, too, has changed - even the cough he interrupts himself with sounds downright cute. "I mean... Welcome to another Breaking News at West Coast News Network. I'm Glenn Turpins, and this is WCNN."

The theme plays as Turpins shifts in his seat, apparently slightly uncomfortable.

"After our last broadcast, we have received a ton of messages from our viewers, all of whom have been affected one way or another by the strange phenomenon gripping Bay Cove." Straightening his notes, Turpins checks them quickly before continuing. "But one of them was of particular interest - it reached us from the Teller Institute of Technology, specifically the marine research department. Although specialising in bionics, the department has now begun working closely with the Marine Wildlife Foundation after the discovery of some quite unique specimen just off the coast. Nancy McArthur is on the scene - viewer discretion is, once again, strongly advised. Children and pru-- ahem, those possessing a rather demure disposition should not watch the following."

The scene changes to the front of a large office building, several people in casual dress or lab coats passing by with clear purpose. So far, so normal. What isn't normal is the reporter standing right in front of the camera, hand on the plug in her ear. It's Nancy McArthur, but she has changed rather drastically compared to Turpins: Most apparent is her now massive bust, easily twice as big as her head and bulging from her blazer, a single button holding on with the strength of a thousand to keep them from spilling out. But their impressive, mind-boggling size is only part of the weirdness - Nancy's skin is purple. The light, creamy purple of a blackberry smoothie.

"Yes, Glenn, I'm here at the TIT after receiving an invitation from Mallaid Sheehy, PhD." Neither her enormous breasts nor her skin seem to deter Nancy in the slightest. "The institute has always been at the forefront of progress through research, but with the numerous new species discovered, they might be in a prime position to take the undisputed number one spot."

"That's amazing, Nancy! Can you tell us more about this momentous development?"

"I'm afraid Doctor Sheehy's message has been rather sparse with details." Nancy turns sideways slightly, and a smile blooms on her face. "But here she is now in person! Hello, Doctor Sheehy, thank you so much for having us!"

The camera moves sideways to get both Nancy and the newcomer into the shot. Doctor Sheehy is a stunning redhead, her lab coat stretched by more than generous curves. Underneath, she's wearing jeans and a t-shirt with 'Totally WHALED it' printed on the front, the text stretched by the perfect swell of her breasts. The camera man can barely stop himself from zooming in on the softly jiggling orbs as Doctor Sheehy takes the last few steps towards Nancy.

"Please, call me Mallaid," Doctor Sheehy smiles. If a siren would ever talk instead of sing, she would do it with a voice much like Doctor Sheehy's. "And thank you for coming!"

"Sure, Mallaid! Now, you told us your team had made one amazing discovery just off the coast?"

"One?" Doctor Sheehy's face lights up with excitement. "We had to clean out an entire wing to house everything we pulled out of the water, and we barely scratched the surface! The possible applications for figure enhancement alone are... staggering!"

"When you say figure-enhancing, I take it you are already in the testing phase?"

"Oh yes, we started pretty much immediately after we made sure there were no toxic or carcinogenic agents." Doctor Sheehy crosses her arms under her generous chest and chuckles. "You should have seen some of our test mice, they... well. I filed for permission to test on myself, and you can attest to the results yourselves!"

Indicating her curves, Doctor Sheehy puts both hands on her hips and smiles a cocky grin.

"That we can, for sure. As you know, we reported on similar effects before - I'm guessing there are no adverse side-effects for you, either?" There's only a hint of resignation in Nancy's voice.

"None so far. I'm very well aware that there might be long-term problems we won't know about until they happen, but right now? I'm honestly thrilled with the discoveries my team and I have made." As is evident by the excited grin on Doctor Sheehy's face. "Speaking of which: Wanna see them? I obviously can't catch you with just the effects. You obviously know about that kind of stuff quite well."

"Well, you have seen our last Breaking News... Anyways, our viewers would love to see what you are cooking up."

On the way into the research wing of the institute, Doctor Sheehy regales Nancy and the viewers with the story of the divers who found the first of the specimens they are now researching - a young couple on vacation, seasoned divers both of them. Diving in the reef off the coast, they thought someone was messing with them at first. They knew, of course, that taking samples was not allowed, but they took enough pictures to completely fill their digital cameras' disk space. And none of which could be rated anything below R.

"And you'll see for yourself why..." Doctor Sheehy throws open a set of doors with great fanfare after unlocking them with her badge. "... right about now. Have your guys ready to blur a few things."

The lab they enter is chock full of seawater tanks of varying sizes with pumps, computers and measuring equipment filling the space between them. But the interesting things are in the tanks. As the camera sweeps over the lab once, blurred spots keep popping up and disappearing haphazardly; whoever does the blurring is either too shocked, too lazy, or maybe even too horny to do a proper job.

Which gives the viewers ample opportunity to see some of the fish, corals and mollusks in the tanks - which range from sort of sensual to downright obscene. There is a moray hiding under fake rocks, its head partly blurred; but the veiny, pulsing shaft that forms its body together with the visible ridge makes it obvious what the rest of the head looks like. Another tank houses what looks to be a coral, but it is soft, fleshy and round, looking for all the world like a disembodied breast. The blur around the top part, right where the nipple would be, only enhances the impression. Some of the specimen tanks are just blurred entirely, the writhing specimen behind leaving much to the imagination. And others are not blurred at all, the lewdness inside clear for all viewers to see, like the cocktopus in one large tank all by itself or the smaller tank with a school of tiny, free-swimming dicklets. Of course, the camera lingers longest on the well-endowed corals.

"Oh my. You did not exaggerate when you said we'd have something to blur." Nancy's voice makes clear that she is, for once, absolutely excited to be doing this report. "Does everything you found look like... that?"

"Absolutely. Hey Vern!" Approaching a work station with a scrawny lab tech, Doctor Sheehy claps her hand on Vern's shoulder. "TV's here. Whatcha got for us?"

"Oh, hey, Mallaid!" Vern stands up and reveals he's wearing a kilt - which bulges over a truly enormous package that seems to almost reach the lower hem. On this, the camera doesn't linger very long. But it lingers. "I'm working on the extract we make from the juices the Amphiprion vulvariensis produces. Careful, the effects are quite strong - some of the mice I tested it on still haven't learned how to walk with the new weight."

"Ah, Amphiprion vulvariensis - the common pussy clownfish." Doctor Sheehy sounds quite satisfied with herself. Very likely because every new species in this room will be named by her and her team - they're making history. "Of course, it's still quite rare in the grand scheme of things, but--"

"Sorry to interrupt, but did you say pussy clownfish?" Nancy's voice trembles with excitement - this is so incredibly juicy!

"Oh, yes! Let me show you the tank - thanks, Vern!" As Vern gets back to work, Doctor Sheehy motions for Nancy and the camera guy to follow and leads them past tanks of varying blurriness to one rather large tank filled with several big anenomes, large white and orange fish darting in and out. "There we are - take a look, and you'll see why we named them as we did."

The camera closes in, and spot after blurry spot appears until the entire screen is a mess of wriggling, indistinct shapes. Luckily, this doesn't last too long as Nancy continues the interview and the camera goes back to her.

"Well, Doctor Shee--Mallaid, what can you tell us about these fish? And please be specific in your descriptions - I'm quite sure our viewers haven't seen anything unblurred."

"Sure! As you can see, this kind of clownfish is much larger than the rest of its genus - at 40 cm almost four times the size of its smaller brethren. The most interesting feature, though, is the dorsal fin: As you can see, it has a rather distinct shape, which gives it its name. It is split in the middle, the sides folded in, with a hood containing a small nub at the end towards the head - in short, this fish has what looks to be a female reproductive organ on its back, complete with labia majora and minora, clitoris and vaginal canal. And before you ask: Yes, it can be penetrated. One of our researchers, Dr White, insisted on conducting that particular experiment despite being instructed not to. Of course, his contract has been terminated and he is being investigated by the ethics board."

"Oh dear!" Of course, Nancy does not sound sorry for Dr White in the slightest. No, this is exactly what she's here for: Human drama and questionable decisions by other people. "Is the poor man alright?"

"We are of course monitoring him closely as to the effects of his actions, but I'm afraid I can't go into detail for privacy reasons." For the first time since the interview started, Doctor Sheehy doesn't sound exuberant. "Neither can I elaborate on the effects of what Vern is working on. All I can tell you is that just like the female vulva, the back of Amphirion vulvariensis secretes fluids - which have certain enhancing properties, as have various parts of all the specimen in this room."

"How very exciting! When do you think you can share more? And would you be willing to give WCNN exclusive rights to report?" Good old Nancy, ever eager to do her job - if certain quotes-raising requirements are met.

"Sure, we can hash something out! No guarantee we'll have anything worth reporting on in a while, though." A mischievous smile appears on Doctor Sheehy's face. "I do have one more surprise, though. And I'm sure you'll like it."

Nancy and the camera guy follow Doctor Sheehy into another room, just off the lab they've just come from. It contains a massive saltwater tank, filled with everything you'd expect to find in a zoo aquarium - sand, fake rocks, several corals, anemones and starfish... Except a larger occupant.

"Minthe! Minthe? Come on out, you have visitors!" Doctor Sheehy calls out before turning to Nancy. "We have microphones set up in the room and the tank, together with speakers in- and outside."

"What for, exactly?" Nancy seems confused.

Instead of answering, Doctor Sheehy points to the tank with a smirk. The camera moves back just in time to see a shape dart out from behind one of the larger fake rocks, shooting through the water faster than the camera guy can follow - from left to right and from right to left before racing forwards close to the ground, almost colliding with the glass front. Webbed hands, a petite nose and pert little breasts press agains the glass, a toothy smile flashing.

"Oh hey! Did you bring me some new friends, Mallaid?" An excited voice echoes from the speakers as the being's mouth moves.

"You have a mermaid?!"

"Told ya you'd like it."