Shit! I shoulda thought this out better.

I realised he'd dropped my foot when the heel connected with the ankle of the foot lying on the couch, he had been kissing it and sucking my toes just the way I like when I'd decided to talk to him, there was no hidden meaning to what I'd said, it was heartfelt and sincere, I truly love and have always loved him.

I yelped and grimaced with pain and rubbed my ankle with my hand to try and dull the injury. I looked at him expecting sympathy. What was that look he had for? I took a while to ponder. He maintained his gaze, 'What's going through that head of yours, doll?'

And then there it was. He has an eye inflection, a nervous twitch, in his left eye, as long as I've known him he's had it. To most everybody else it is unseen or probably not discernible but I've been around my Man for a long time and I'd seen it on various occasion's. Long story short it is associated with two things, when he has a serious problem and when he's processing the problem to solution, it is initially visible as a confused angst and ends as a calmed but focused anger, that's when the twitch appears.

I had seen it when he'd come home from work, when he was in that mood I'd listen to his talk if that's what he want's and then leave him to go through his process. I'd never been on the receiving end of it, our problems up until recently had been corrected by us talking it through, this was something that was work related. I would like to say that that was all I could tell you about it but unfortunately I'd witnessed the outcome of his 'processing and problem correction' when we at various time's had been to his company's social events. His boss had also cornered me and asked me about it. It unnerved most of his work colleagues to the extent most of them would not seek any form of confrontation with him. I asked his boss whether it was a form of bullying, he said no but he wasn't the least bit convincing. I could always pick who was on the outer, they were the ones that appeared uncomfortable in our company, cringed away or talked in hushed tones while nervously looking over their shoulders at him, us.

So now I know, he was processing what I'd said. He'd decided that what I'd said must have a hidden meaning or agenda, I don't know when my head had started shaking in the negative and I knew I was pleading to him with my eyes for him not to get the wrong idea, he had to let me explain, yes things had happened that I'd kept from him and yes he was not going to like them and God yes they would hurt, I know that but we'll get through it, together, I know we will.

The grandfather clock struck its way to eight o'clock as I opened my mouth to say something, instead all I felt was my throat give up an involuntary gulp, why can't I say something? Why can't my brain formulate something to give me. No! I mean him, yes him, give him some validation.

He spoke, "I think the word you're looking for is 'but'."

"What Honey?"

"But. B-u-t, but as in I have always loved you, I will always love you, BUT, so don't hesitate finish the sentence BUT...."

I could feel myself coming unglued, things are going too fast, I just need to. Think. Yep, think. I looked at him, that stare, accusing, impatient I watched in slow motion as the look took on a glare and then he made too speak. 'No, no, no, no, no, give me a chance, this is going all wrong, please, please just let me get my thoughts together and in order.'

"Okay, lets see if I can help you with it, I have always yada, yada, yada, will always love you, BUT, I've found someone with a bigger cock and he does it for me. Now.... Close?, Huh."

"NO, NO, NEVER, NO, TELL ME, TELL ME YOU DON'T BELIEVE THAT!?!"

She had to stop, she could feel herself falling, the shock, what he said. Why would he say it? Did he really?

"NEVER HONEY, PLEASE.....please tell me you haven't lost your faith in me, tell me you don't believe that, please, I'm begging you. Please don't do this, please take that back, please. ppleesssee...."

I watched my beautiful wife dissolve right in front of me. Immediate remorse is what I felt not that that was gonna help her. I knew immediately, I'd said the wrong thing a-fucking-gain. I jumped up, walked to her, put my arms around her shoulders trying to pull her out of her seat and to me. I needed to make this right, we all but ended up on our asses as she struggled to her feet and then she was shoving me away.

"NO! NO! YOU DON'T GET TO HAVE ME. YOU TELL ME YOU WERE WRONG, TELL ME! YOU DON'T GET TO DO THIS TO ME! YOU DON'T HAVE ME! YOU NO LONGER HAVE ME."

She thumped her rolled up fist's into my chest and upwards, managing to glance one blow off of my jaw, the first one didn't hurt, the second smacked my nose good, I felt it start to bleed, it really didn't matter I wasn't about to stop her, but she tired, then it was her arms and when she tired of that it was the body checks. Finally she stopped, we were standing, facing each other, I couldn't look at her, she was still too angry to look at me. I held my arms up in defeat, "Not that I expect you to ever forgive me, but I accept without any doubt whatsoever that I was wrong, one-hundred percent wrong, just another thing to add to my shitty little existence which I'll regret for ever, I'm sorry I ruined your life, I love you, what ever you want, separate, divorce, you want me gone now, I'll do it without complaint, you have my word."

I turned and walked away, I needed to clean up the mess on my face. As I walked past our Grand Father clock it struck once to signal the quarter hour, I'm ashamed to say at that moment I could have happily put my fists through the glass door of that clock if it had meant I'd bleed to ****.

Not good, not good at all.

I was still standing there, after he'd tried apologising and gone, I only remember bits of what he said. I was tired, immensely tired and with a deep sense of loss. I just didn't seem to be able to move or think of a reason too for that. I shuffled to the couch and fell down. The physical relief washed over me, but the mental relief weren't coming, I felt completely lost, I vaguely remember him passing through the room on his way to the kitchen.

Damn it I can't leave it there. I pulled my weary ass up and trudged towards the kitchen. I don't know what I expected to find, I'd thought that he was probably lost in a bottle of rum or whiskey but no that wasn't the case. He had what he'd intended to serve us up for tea spread across my island and he had a plate that he was preparing with vegetables and the salmon he had so lovingly made. He looked up and saw me watching him from the doorway. He turned and reaching in the cupboard got another plate out, placed it with the other and served up similar portions onto it. It all went in the microwave and while it heated, he dressed our breakfast servery. He went to the fridge and removed the wine he'd chilled.

"No Wine for me but a glass of iced cold water would be nice."

"Done."

As the food was presented he pulled back a chair. I moved to it and he helped seat me. We ate in silence, actually we ate everything in silence, I think we both realised we were hungrier than what we would've given ourselves credit for. He cleared the plates and stacked the washer. He prepared a coffee for himself and another water for me.

I needed to start, "Do you want to separate, divorce?"

"Absolutely not, I want us better, I want us back were we always said we would be."

"After tonight do you think that's even possible?"

"That's not my decision now, I negated that right tonight, it's your decision Honey."

"But you want the chance to try and fix us?"

"Yes. Both of us. I don't understand what we are doing to each other, we've become so destructive to our relationship."

"So lets do it, together. Oh I'm still hurt... immensely but if I'd stayed on that couch I risked never getting up again, so we need to give it a shot."

He had got up with his coffee in hand and for once tonight he had a look of hope on his face. We at least had a loose plan as a guide I asked, "Honey you want us to be back to where we always said we would be. Where is that?"

"Oh you know we had both said we'd start having kids at year eight, well that's gone so you know, we need to consider that."

"Okay but we are only now talking a delay of six and a half months as it stands."

I would of never thought a coffee cup would of bounced so high off a tile floor, well the first time, the next impact smashed it to smithereens. The clock chimed out as it ran up to nine o'clock.