Rub the lamp, stupid!

You figure, what the hell? You rub the lamp with the sleeve of your jacket. You can't help but laugh uncontrollably when a thick blue smoke begins to pour from the lamp, and you drop it on the sand. Just like in the movies, the smoke congeals, and forms a caricature Arabian genie, blue-skinned and complete with gold hoop earrings, a gold-embroidered vest, and the big puffy Arabian pants. It's too much, and you drop to the ground laughing.

“Is something funny, Master?” the bewildered blue apparition says, in a predictably deep voice.

“Oh my God, you just called me Master!” You fall over on your side, laughing. You're trying to keep from peeing your pants.

“Of course, Master. You have released me from my imprisonment, and I am your servant. I will grant you three wishes, no more, no less, and then I will be released from your service.” He pauses to allow you to speak, but you simply cannot breathe, you are laughing so hard. “I merely await your command, Master.”

You manage to sit up and wipe away the tears from your eyes. You look around to see if anyone else is nearby, because surely someone must be staring at this guy. But the only people around are a young couple vigorously making out on a blanket a few yards away, and a group of girls playing volleyball about a hundred yards down the beach. No one is looking your way. You look up at the genie and begin to collect your thoughts. “Okay, genie, give me a few minutes to think here. Have a seat.” The blue man sits on the sand next to you and waits patiently.

You stare at the couple making out, and think of your current situation. In a few minutes, you have puzzled out the best wishes you could make. “All right, I'm ready now.”

The genie stands dutifully before you. “I await your orders, Master.”

“Here goes. Genie, I wish that everyone who comes into contact with me feels the instant, uncontrollable desire to make me happy.”

The genie crosses his arms and nods theatrically. “ALAKAZAAM! It is done, Master.”

“Really? You actually say “Alakazaam” when you grant a wish?”

“Yes, Master.”

You suppress, with some difficulty, another fit of laughter. “Okay. Here's the next one. Genie, I wish that anyone who hears anything I say or reads anything I write will instantly believe me, without question.”

The genie again crosses his arms and nods. “ALAKAZAAM! It is done, Master.”

You again suppress the laughter, but one cackle escapes. “All right, here's the last one. Genie, I wish that I have complete control over my body's shape, size, features, and functions, and can alter it in any way, great or small, instantly, painlessly, and permanently, until I decide to change it again.”

The genie once more crosses his arms and nods. “ALAKAZAAM! It is done, Master. Now I have completed my service, and I wish you good fortune! Farewell!” He dissipates into a cloud of blue smoke and returns to the lamp, which begins to glisten brightly. The brightness intensifies until you cannot help but turn away. When you look back, the lamp is gone.