Righteous, Where Do I Start?

"Oh man." I said and collapsed back into my chair. "That's a lot to process."

"Of course, well if you need some time to think about it I can..."

"So I'm going to with with Parasites, because that's what I like, and conditioned slaves."

"Oh so you're..." He starts, but doesn't get the chance to finish.

"As for boons I'm thinking Rewrite Memory, Rewrite Personality, Twinning, Maid Training, Fetish induction, Orgasm Control, Shared Senses, Hive Mind, Age manipulation, and tireless servant."

"Did you just say that all in one breath? What do you have in mind that you picked those? They seem like kind of a grab bag."

"For powers telekinesis for sure, so I like don't have to get up to grab stuff." I nod, quite pleased with myself.

"Alright that'll set you over your limit though. You're going to need to take a drawback or pact. Might I suggest a certain benevolent being who provided you these powers?"

"Naw that Pact of comfyness sounded right up my alley."

"What?" Golthuem's tentacles curled in surprise. "I'm giving you mind altering powers and you're going to choose to throw away your ambition for anime and games?"

I gestured around that room, and it should have been obvious to anyone even a immortal octopus that I'd already made that decision years ago. "Uh, yeah dude. Some of those things were asking me to take over the world. Like I have time for that."

"Well I suppose I can't pick a winner for every bequeathment of power. Very well... slob. What **** do you desire. Or is dealing with another person going to be too much of a hassle for you?"

"Naw man." You recline in your seat. "I'm going to need someone to clean up for me. I'll go with that Victoria Chick. She checks off all my boxes, blonde, big boobs..."

"The list goes on I'm sure. Very well." He cracked his fingers. "Then let's get work. Shiggi shagga parasitic worm, I give you the power to make rich girls squirm. Hippy dippy now that you're a telepoth let's sign that contract between you and sloth."

Apparently unspeakable cosmic power didn't give you the ability to rhyme.

"I heard that."

Sorry!

"First I shall craft your parasite from your very essence."

"Okay so do you need me to jizz into a cup or OH MY GOD!" He shoved his hand through my chest, pulled my heart right out and squeezed it like a fresh orange into his hand. There the blood curdled and congealed into a long slender line before animating and curling around his wrist. He casually shoved my heart back where it belonged. "Oh god, oh god."

"Calm down."

"MY HEART!"

He slapped me across the face, throwing me out of my chair and across the room. My head embedded within the plaster of my wall, I took a deep spackly breath. "I needed that." I then had a strange sensation. Like I was touching everything in the room with my hand. I pulled my head out of the wall and saw that everything was vibrating. "Woah." I took a deep breath and remembered my telekinesis. That slap must have awoken something in me. I held my hand out to a soda can. "Alright, now just..."

I flicked my hand and absolutely everything in my room jerked a foot forward. Posters were ripped off the wall, shelves toppled over and their contents flew onto the floor, my bed squeaked closer and every piece of paper in the room separated and rained down.

"Yeah that'll take some practice." Golthuem chuckled.

"No!" I ran for my poor computer which laid broken on the floor like so many crackers. "Nooooo!"

"Will you calm down? You're embarrassing me. I've made kings you know."

"Sorry." I sniffed and clutched my keyboard close to my heart. I tilted my head and noticed a blonde woman laid out on the bed. "Victoria Valentine?" I cocked an eyebrow and point her way.

He nodded "That's right. Put into a slumber so your first enslavement can be easy."

"Well that's nice of ya."

"You seem like you can use all the help you can get." He flicked the worm my direction. I caught it and inspected the little fucker, but other than being a worm with a nightmare fuel mouth filled with razor-sharp lamprey teeth, there wasn't much to say. "That's about it for me. You and the worm will handle it from here. So I'll just head out and bring Susie in."

"Hey thanks for everything Mr.Golthuem."

"Yeah, yeah." He disappears in a chorus of a thousand screams and a writhing mass of tentacles and in his place is a sleepy looking girl with pink hair, a big fuzzy sweater, with fuzzy socks pulled all the way up her thighs.

"Awwww." She groans and lays down on the floor. "My show was just getting goooooood. Waddya want?" She's got an aura about her that's like running through mud.

"Umm." I looked around but didn't have a crazy octopus god to guide me. "We're supposed to form a pact?"

"Uuuuugh." She flips over onto her front, and buries her face in the carpet. "That's so much woooooork. Aren't there other demons you can make a pact with?"

"Well yeah, he gave me a whole bunch of options. But you didn't expect me to do anything, and said we could watch anime together, and I thought that sounded nice."

She lights up and flips over onto her back. "You watch Animu?"

"Um yeah, only all the time." I would have gestured to all my posters, but they were on the floor now.

"I suppose your room is comfortably messy." Comfortably? It looked like my roommate was a Tornado. "Fiiiiiiiiiiiine." She held up her hand. "You can join a pact with me, but don't expect me to like... do anything."

I shook her hand and felt a bit of additional power flow through me. But mostly I felt sleepy, and what little ambitions I had for my life were suddenly washed away. Was it even worth going to work? Just so I could afford an apartment? "Same."

"Ugh." She put her hand over her eyes. "I'm beat." She throws limbs out over the floor and starts pounding them against the floor. "Feed me!"

"Order a pizza." I still had a **** to inherit, so I stepped over the demon and went to my bed where the sleeping Victoria Valentine awaited.

"I'll just starve."

The parasite slithered around my hand excitedly, apparently aware of the proximity to it's new host. The blonde was fast asleep snoring lightly. I gently kneeled beside her, boner at full mast, let me tell you. I already knew exactly what I wanted to do. "Okay." I addressed the worm in my hand, just an inch or so away from Victoria. "So do I like, shove you up her nose or..."

The worm took things into it's own non-existent hands. It jumped out of my palm, and like a guided missile towards an enemy of the state dove for her open flaring nostril. There was an audible "Sllllllurp!"

And Victoria woke up coughing. "Ack *hack hack*" She sniffed several times like she was trying to dislodge some snot from her sinuses. "Who are you?" She looked around. "And where the Fu..."

"Hey." I raised my hand. "I'm HUUUURK." She grabbed my wrist, twisted her body, and kneed me right in the balls. She used that forward weight to get to her feet. Then she twisted her body and straight up Judo threw me out my window. "Aaaaaaaah!" I was on the second story, and bounced against the pavement when I landed. I decided to lay there for a while. I might not have been mortal anymore but I think even Golthuem would have been down for the count of you kneed him in the balls.

I few minutes later I saw Veronica running out the front door of my apartment complex, and heading out into town.

"Hey dude." Susie popped her head through the broken window and looked down at me from my room. "She got away."

"Yeah..." I sighed.

"Should we go after her?"

"That sounds like a lot of work."

"Yeah... ya wanna boink instead?"

"Yeah..."