Princess Celestia!?

You have to rub your eyes to be sure. This must be some kind of hallucination induced by all your years of fart huffing, because it looks to you like Princess Celestia herself is striding through the crowd, ponies dipping down like a parting sea to bow at her hooves.

You hear astonished gasps of "princess!" and "is that really her?" and when Cherry Jubilee drops her money tin you decide that is isn't some flatus-powered illusion but reality. Of course, the first thing you do is drop to the ground in respect. The only other time you'd seen Celestia in the flesh was when she was giving a royal address to Canterlot many years ago and you were in the audience, but even then she looked more like a little white speck than a pony. Now she's not only in your presence but strutting up onto the stage.

Surely she couldn't be- No, don't be ridiculous! You may have seen some surprising things in your time but even you know that your ruler and goddess couldn't possibly do something as lowly as purchasing a fart ****. You're quite certain that alicorn princesses don't even pass gas. They don't... do they?

At last you look up, Celestia towering over you. Her polished gold shoes just an inch from your face. You crawl forward and plant a kiss onto the smooth surface, but Celestia appears to be distracted by more pressing matters.

Only now do you notice the scowl etched onto her face. It's terrifying. It's the kind of fierce stare that could turn a dragon's insides to jelly.

"What in Equestria do you think you're doing?" She addresses Cherry Jubilee, who looks about a second away from crapping herself in front of the crowd.

She just stutters and stammers, sweat gushing down her face. "You see, I was just... well-"

"Do you really think this sort of thing is appropriate? In my sovereign land? You think that my precious subjects are commodities to be sold to the highest bidder?"

The crowd is silent. Dead silent. They wouldn't dare cough at a time like this, lest they risk enduring the wrath of Princess Celestia.

Cherry is without words. She just backs down and trembles, muttering a rush of apologies to her leader.

"And for such repulsive means! I don't know where you're from, and perhaps there exists a far off land where... fart sniffing is an acceptable pastime... but I can assure you me and my sister do not stand for this sort of depravity in Equestria!"

You hear the sound of running water. Wait, it's not water; Cherry's bladder is emptying in fear. You can smell it, and Celestia can too. She turns her nose up at the pathetic display.

"This time I shall let you go with just these words, but I cannot let you parade your filth about my nation a day longer. For starters, I will be taking this poor mare here into my custody." She motions to you, "I will find a more acceptable occupation for her. This is no way for a pony to live."

She reaches down and offers her hoof, which you take. You're not about to start disobeying the wishes of an angry Celestia. She pulls you up and lays you over her back, using those enormous cushiony wings to keep you coddled and safe as she descends off the stage again. It's heaven to be engulfed in her silky softness, you almost forget about the entire situation and fall right asleep. She throws one final pitiful glance back at Cherry and then marches back through the crowd. Two royal guards are waiting for her on the other side, flanking her (and you) as she steps back inside her chariot, then marching to the front to fasten in and fly.

Celestia sets you down on the seat opposite her. It's nice and padded. Soon the carriage lifts up off the ground, and that's when a very peculiar thing happens.

Her entire demeanour changes. That angry scowl disappears into a relieved frown. She relaxes her body into the plush of her seat and turns her eyes to you.
"Thank goodness. I wasn't sure I was going to keep it up at the end there."

Before you can ask what she means by that, the princess leans her entire body over to one side, stiffens her wings, and brattles the leather upholstery with a roiling, thunderous fart.

PHHHBRBBRRRT!!

She really relaxes into it, her wings softening and tongue lolling out through her mouth. Once it rumbles down after almost ten whole seconds she caps it off with a few forceful pops and then leans herself back into place.

"Oh, glorious!" She moans, rubbing those warm fumes into the seat with a wriggle of her hips.

Your jaw is all the way on the gound. Did you just see and hear what you thought you did? Did princess Celestia--PRINCESS CELESTIA just break wind? It's not like you have long to freak out about it happening because the smell of it soon washes over to your side of the carriage. Yes, princess farts do have an odor, apparently. A very potent one. It takes you by surprise, and you start to cough. What do immortal alicorn deity farts smell like? Well, a little bit like sweet, rotten dairy and steamed cabbage, as it happens, with a violent kick of brimstone.

She can see you're struggling with the pungency and very confused about all this. She scoots over to the window, sticking her head outside for some fresh air, and speaks to you.

"Sorry about that.” She sounds far more relaxed now, “Here.” She pats the space beside her, “Sit. I’ll explain.”

You’re not sure if you really want to get close to that solar cannon of a butt, but you’re also not about to start saying no to her.

You switch seats and sidle up next to her. You end up sitting right on the spot she just christened with her butt blast. It’s still warm, and actually a little bit sweaty. She then wraps her wing around you, holding you captive.

"It's not as easy as you'd think, being adored. Respected. I have to put on a front for everypony, you see. I cannot possibly have them thinking their princess engages in such unseemly behavior."

If only they knew Celestia can rip farts bigger than any stallion.

"But I saw you up there, on offer, and it's been so very long since I last had a little pony to take care of my, shall we say, solar breezes?" She giggles, "There was no way I could let those ponies know my true intentions. My reputation would never recover. It was bad enough that time Luna let one slip during a ribbon cutting in Manehattan... so fortunate that the mayor was willing to take the blame."

Her eyes move from you to the window, where she peers out over her kingdom below; the meadows rolling by, the towns clustered among them, the mountains off in the distance, surrounded by mist and cloud. Your owners are never the ponies you expect, but it's safe to say that this is one mistress you really never anticipated. You're still not sure if this is all a dream or not. Taking another sniff, you decide that not even you could dream up something like that.

"On any other day I might have denied my urges, but I made the fatal mistake of agreeing to taste test some new recipes at Sugarcube Corner this afternoon. I thought it was just going to be one or two little cakes, but..."
Frrrbbrrlllt~~
"Ah~ They just kept coming and coming. Pies, strudels, tarts. Me and my vices, what's a girl to do?"

_Pppuffpuffprrt
_Yet another sputtering gust dribbles onto the seating. She keeps you held close as the intoxicating cloud rises up to your face. Even without the direct order you take a deep huff of those ripe, spicy winds. It hurts. Your eyes are watering already. Celestia samples her own supply and coughs in agreement, "Eugh! Oh, that's a bad one..." She promptly shoves her head back out the window, using her other wing to waft it away.

Something seems to suddenly cross her mind. "Oh! How foolish of me, I forgot to mention the issue of payment. As I'm sure you can understand, services like yours are of great worth to me. It's once in five hundred moons I find a pony with a talent like yours. Name your price, little one. Anything your heart desires."
She lays another graceful smile down on you, awaiting your answer.