Ralli thinks about Liam...

Liam Baldwin. In society, his strengths are two.

First, he comes from a rich family. This is apparent from his styling, his way of speaking. and his ability to procure items from off-barracks on a whim. In spite of this obvious advantage of his peers, he works to downplay it. This keeps them from relying on him for too much.

Second, he is conventionally handsome. Most young men sent to a barracks tend to be rough or rugged. He has the face of a man who has not known strife or combat.

These factors, together with his lack of enthusiasm, make it difficult to understand why he became a knight trainee. I have asked him the question many times. He manipulates the conversation to avoid answering.

... I do not have many exciting thoughts about this young man. I am only speaking to myself here. Therefore, I will acknowledge that I do not like this man. It is my sincere wish to make him into a good knight who will not die on the battlefield. However... His work ethic is dubious. He has no special physical gifts. He has no exceptional academic ability. He uses others. He talks his way out of everything he can. He is always smiling, and his smile is always hiding something. More than anyone here, he is the one I cannot understand.

With his affluence and speaking skills, he seems poised to lead the others. I... do not know if I am comfortable with this. His privilege feels obscene. He may be a good leader, but I question if he will ever be a good knight... Or a good human.

Whatever the case...

Bella once told me that women have types. She said hers were 'really dumb people, and really smart people.' Oh... and she added 'really cute people.' She said that rather than an objective analysis, humans will choose their partners based on their preferred "type." Therefore, humans can often repeatedly find themselves in sexual encounters with partners bearing similar, objectively undesirable traits... She did not phrase it this way. That is my understanding.

Regardless... in spite of the advantages he holds in society, Liam is not my type. I do not find him sexually appealing. I should stop trying to masturbate to him.

...

I do find him curious. His scent is unusual. His smell reminds me of a scented candle. Metaphorically.

I do not... understand, but...

I do not want him to look at me with his eyes. I've sensed them on me before. He tries to hide it when he watches me, but my senses are sharp. I wish he would look at me only as a respected mentor.

I understand it is meant as a term of endearment, but... I wish he did not call me "Teach." I hope it does not catch on. Tomorrow, perhaps I will ask him to stop. I suspect I may have more important concerns.

...

This was not a success. There is no sense in waking up now. I should either picture someone else or sleep until morning.