Express surprise

“Excuse me?” Alex exclaims in surprise. Surely he had misunderstood Sir Roderick’s question. As a sworn knight of the realm, he was the very embodiment of chivalry, loyalty, fidelity, and honor. The last thing Alex expected from his new master was the question, “Where can I get a piece of ass?”

Roderick laughs loudly at Alex’s expression. “Don’t worry, boy! I was just wondering if you had a sense of humor; that’s all. You look so damn serious, and I was hoping that I wasn’t doomed to spend the next few years next to a fellow who doesn’t know how to have fun!”

Alex allows himself a slight smile. “I’m sorry, sir. I’m quite honored to have this opportunity — particularly at my age. I just don’t want to mess things up or have you disappointed in me.”

Roderick regards his squire soberly. “That’s a good attitude to have, young man. Still, all work and no play will hardly serve you or me very well; you must keep that in mind if we are to get along.”

“I’ll remember that, sir.”

The men ride in silence for a while before Alex speaks again. “May I ask our destination, sir?”

Roderick responds. “I don’t have a particular destination in mind at the moment. Generally, you will find that we will travel throughout the kingdom most of the time, responding to situations as they arrive, but primarily reminding the people that the king values their safety.”

That news was more than a little disappointing to Alex. It apparently shows on his face, because the older man raises the corner of his mouth in a smirk and says, “I suppose you thought you were entering into a life of slaying dragons, rescuing damsels, and storming enemy castles?”

Alex shrugs. “Well... Maybe not every day.... I did think there would be some excitement, though. I grew up hearing stories of the daring knights of the realm, who experienced all kinds of exotic adventures.”

Roderick chuckles. “Those stories are largely told by fellow knights to promote themselves. And each story gets more fantastic with each successive pint of ale as the teller sits in a tavern and receives the gratitude — and free drinks — of the local patrons. You’ve heard of Sir Nobleheart?”

“Who hasn’t? The brave knight who fought off Medusa to rescue a princess who was enslaved in Medusa’s castle?”

Roderick chuckles. “Yeah... That’s the one, but that’s a perfect example of how these things can get so blown out of proportion. For one thing, it wasn’t a princess that he rescued — it was the daughter of the local postmaster. In the second place, she wasn’t being kept in a dungeon; she was living with her father and step-mother at their modest, middle-class home. Finally, it wasn’t Medusa he had to fight off, but rather it was the mother-in-law, who caught Sir Nobleheart showing his ‘sword’ to the daughter in a very compromising situation.”

Alex is aghast. “But the stories of his bravery in the face of danger!”

“Trust me... I was there. He was brave, right enough. So brave that he ran with his tail between his legs back to the king and concocted a story about the postmaster’s wife being Medusa in disguise. By the time he was done with his story, the poor woman was exiled to an island in the Sea of Desolation, Nobleheart’s feats were being proclaimed throughout the kingdom, and the daughter ended up getting knocked up and supporting her father by darning socks and sewing buttons on corsets.”

Alex allows this revelation to sink in, and he begins to doubt for the first time whether he made the right choice in deciding to apprentice himself to Roderick. “So there aren’t any grand quests in my future?”

“Oh, I wouldn’t say that, young man,” he responds, cheerfully. “If you keep your eyes open for opportunity, there’s still a chance you may find an actual dragon to slay. Personally, I think it’s a better indication of a man’s measure if he can avoid such situations altogether, but to each his own, they say.”

“Have you ever been on a quest?”

Roderick strokes his chin. “Well, shortly after I was first dubbed knight, I was tasked with finding a virgin who would pledge her love to the Troll Emperor, in exchange for his releasing his claim to the disputed portion of Clarecount Forest. Let me tell you something... Finding a virgin in that part of the country was no easy task; they start procreating so early in those parts that I suspect a man never loses a day between sucking on his mother’s breasts for milk and nibbling on the teats of his first love! In any event, after weeks of careful searching, I was finally able to locate a virgin, so I guess that counts as a quest.”

“Then why is Clarecount Forest still disputed territory?” asks Alex. “Did the Troll Emperor on his promise?”

Roderick grins. “Well, I said that I found a virgin. I said nothing about delivering her in the same condition.”

The two men ride in silence for another mile or so until they come to the top of a small hill. Roderick looks toward the setting sun and says, “It is getting late in the day. We will need to find a place to make camp soon. These are unfamiliar parts to me, and I do not know if there are any settlements where we might find lodging.”

Alex looks around, taking in the sights. His eyes stop as he spots something in the distance. He points to it. “Look at that, Sir Roderick. Doesn’t that look like some kind of ruins?”

The knight looks and says, “Sharp eyes, my boy! Indeed it does. It looks like the ruins of some ancient castle, all but hidden by the surrounding forest. We should check it out; perhaps there is something there of value for us.” He looks again at the sun, venturing ever closer to the horizon. “I believe we have time to get there before sunset. What say you? Are you up to it?”