She won't

Teysa's heart sank. The fragile hope that had been building in her breast popped like a soap bubble. "Matron..." she began. "Are you... sure?"

"Hyessssss." The Matron's mouth was set in a firm line. "Remember our agreement, Teyssssssa. I will never **** hyou... but the warren mussssssst continue. That is why thossssse broodmotherssssss remain, issss it not?"

"Yes, but..." Teysa swallowed. "Why do you need my help?"

The Matron shifted uncomfortably. Guilt was etched into every line of her face. "I wish... that they be comfortable," she said. "Assss bessst as we can make it. I am not... I do not know what they need."

Teysa stared at her. This has nothing to do with comfort, does it? she thought. You're scared. You can't face them. Facing them means facing what you've done. The lives you've ruined. You can't do that, can you?

Anger welled up in her breast, so hot and pure that for a moment it took her aback. "I'll tell you what they need," she said before she could stop herself. "They need to see the sun. They need to feel the wind on their cheeks. They need to be with their families, the people who used to love them. They need to have their lives back, the lives they might have had if you hadn't stolen and **** them! I agreed to stay to help you put yourself on the new path. I didn't agree to stay to be their jailer."

Behind her Aliara gasped. A couple of the Matron's courtiers, those close enough to have heard Teysa's outburst, turned to stare. The Matron looked down at her with an unreadable expression on her face. For a moment, Teysa thought she had gone too far and the drider would strike her down. Her heart hammered in her breast. She wondered if she could make it to the door in time.

Then that huge head lowered and the Matron began to cry.

Teysa could not have been more surprised if the Matron had slapped her in the face. She took a step or two backwards. These weren't heavy, rending sobs. Thick tears the consistency of oil ran down the Matron's cheeks. Her eyes were closed, giving her the appearance of an obsidian statue, like the weeping St. Sophitia in the great hall where Teysa had sworn her vows.

She stood there frozen for a minute or more, unsure of how to react. Should she reach out to comfort the Matron or not? Eventually, the drider's tears ceased to flow. She took a deep breath and looked up at Teysa.

"Hyou are right, Teysssssssa," she said in a whisper. "Every time I ssssssssee them, I am reminded of what we did-- what I did. Hyou told me Lolth forgave me, but I cannot undersssstand why." Her voice trembled. "All I can do isssssss raisssssse El'keth to be better than me. It ssssseemssss imposssssssssible. My mother was brave and strong and thoughtful, and she raissssssssed me to be a monssssssster. El'keth needsssssss to learn from hyou."

Teysa felt a twinge of pity. "I understand, Matron," she said. "For what it's worth, Agamor teaches that the first step to overcoming sin is confronting it. As long as you are willing to do that, forgiveness is still available. I won't pick you out a broodmother-- but I will go down there first, if you want. I'll make sure they're comfortable and have everything they need. And I'll take El'keth with me. How does that sound?"

The Matron wiped the last tear off her cheek. She was the stony-faced master of the warren again, her temporary vulnerability sealed over as though it had never been. "That would be excellent, Teyssssssa," she said. "I will join hyou sssssshortly."

As they left the audience chamber, Aliara turned to Teysa and grimaced. "That was kind of heavy, Tey," she said.

"She's dealing with a lot of guilt," Teysa said. "But she can't run away from it. You never atone that way. That's what I learned, at least. You have to face what you've done head on. Making us pick out the broodmother? That's just a way for her to make it someone else's responsibility. That's why she'd rather breed us."

"Well, why not, then?" Aliara said. She shrugged at Teysa's shocked expression. "I dunno, it's not so bad when it's consensual. You ought to give it another shot. Why not just make things easier for everyone?"

"Because it shouldn't be easy!" Teysa snapped. She took a deep breath. "I'm sorry. I just-- it shouldn't be easy. She should have to see what she's done. Look... Lolth forgave her, right? And so did I. But that doesn't just wave a magic wand over everything and make it all better. I used to think that way. And that was stupid. The driders have to face what they did and understand why it was wrong. Otherwise... I mean, what happens when die? They live a lot longer than we do. Well, than I do, anyways," she added conscientiously. "Do they just slip right back into the bad old ways?"

Aliara laid a hand on Teysa's shoulder. "You're right, Tey. I guess I'm always looking for the easy fix. All this save-the-world stuff is new to me, you know? If it was up to me, we'd have just left after we finished up in the City." She held up her hands to forestall Teysa's reaction. "No, I'm glad I'm here with you! This is kind of exciting. The whole idea of making a difference, I mean. It seems like it's a lot of work for an uncertain outcome. Maybe you do everything right and they just go back to being monsters anyways."

"Maybe," Teysa admitted. "But the important thing is that we tried."

"Promise me," Aliara said, her voice full of sudden intensity. She stopped short and grabbed Teysa's hand, squeezing just to the point of pain. "Promise me that if it goes wrong-- if it looks like it's going wrong-- you'll leave with me. I don't care where. Don't throw your life away down here. There's a whole world out there. I want to see it with my Teysa."

Teysa hesitated a moment, then squeezed back. "I promise," she said.

Up ahead, El'keth waved at them. She had been unhitched from her cart and was counting coins. Of Jez'ria, there was no sign.

Aliara waved back and called out. "Ahoy, El'keth! Want to come with us?"

The drider sprang up and crossed the space to them in a few quick strides. "Of course!" she said brightly. "Where?"

Teysa cleared her throat. She tried to choose her words carefully. "We're going to see the broodmothers. Your... mother... needs to lay a clutch."

"Oh." El'keth looked thoughtful for a moment, then her eyes grew wide. "OH!" Her cheeks flushed-- the color beneath her ebony skin was not properly red, but a deep magenta. "And she wants me to come and watch?"

"No, we do," said Teysa. "I think you should see this. The broodmothers, I mean. You need to see what their lives are like."

"Of course," El'keth said, nodding. "My mother said that they will be my responsibility someday." She fell into step behind them. Teysa turned and headed for the deep tunnels. She had barely been down this way, but she knew the route well. She had **** herself to memorize it. Sure enough, they soon arrived at a familiar cave. Teysa shuddered. With the webs stripped from the walls, this room was barely recognizable, but there were a few details she remembered clearly-- a stalactite just there, a cluster of round stones there. There had been little enough to focus on during her months of imprisonment. She must have been hanging just there, her belly swollen, her limbs cramping from lack of exercise...

She shuddered and picked up the pace. The path led through here and along a gently curved tunnel that sloped every downward.

They passed a couple of driders hurrying past on anonymous errands, but this area of the warren was mostly deserted. The air was noticeably cooler here than above, the passages rougher. As they went, El'keth chattered happily; she apparently had not noticed the tense clouds that were gathering over Teysa's head.

"My mother told me all about how you freed the broodmothers," El'keth said. "She was so grateful to you. She said that it was something you and she started, but that I would have to finish. I cannot wait to meet them! The last time I saw them-- that was before you returned-- they were rather sullen and angry, and I don't blame them. What a dreadful life that must have been. My mother feels so terribly bad about it." Her nattering was starting to wear on Teysa's nerves, but before she could say anything, Aliara spoke up.

"El'keth," she said with strained politeness, "this might be a subject where tactful, introspective silence is most appropriate." El'keth looked a little abashed and held one hand over her mouth.

Up ahead, the corridor forked in two. Teysa's eyebrows furrowed as she tried to remember which way to go.