...and receives it

Father Tuubel led them across the square and back to the church. With every step, Teysa's head cleared a bit more and her aches fell away. Already the Eel's humiliating demand was starting to fade like a bad dream. By the time they reached the church, she was walking with her head held high.

They found Ansium just inside the vestibule, standing on his tiptoes and polishing the gems set into the walls. His eyes went from Teysa to Aliara to Father Tuubel and his mouth dropped open. "F-father!" he exclaimed. "You're back!"

"Thanks to these two," Father Tuubel said. "You did the right thing asking them for help, my boy. This'll be something to tell your parishioners someday. The day you met a paladin."

Teysa blushed furiously, but not as furiously as Ansium. He barely managed to meet her gaze. "T-thank you for rescuing the Father," he stammered. "M-may Agamor shine his light on you, and--"

"Yes, yes," said Tuubel with an irritable flick of his wrist. "Why don't you polish the ciborium, my lad? I need to talk to our gallant rescuers for a moment."

"Of course!" Ansium's gaze lingered for a moment, then he turned and fled. His sandals flapped on the flagstones and his robes whipped up around him. For a moment, Teysa saw another novice in another time-- a young woman in robes she would someday grow into, her heart bursting with the desire to make a difference. The echos of his footsteps faded and her vision did too.

Tuubel sat down carefully on the nearest pew. He bent, stretched, then patted the stone next to him. "Why don't you have a seat, Teysa, and tell me what's bothering you?" he asked. She sat and tried to settle down. Her nerves were jangling and jittering again and her heart pounded in her ears. All at once her own problems seemed so minor. Why was she about to bother this nice man with her little insecurities? After everything he'd been through? She was being selfish, that was all, and she would waste no more of his time.

She tensed her muscles to stand, but before she could, a soft hand fell on her shoulder. She turned and there was Father Tuubel, staring at her with undisguised concern. "Teysa," he began, "take a deep breath. You can tell me in your own time why you came here. But you have to unburden yourself. I can sense it all over you. You're carrying a heavy stone on your back and you won't be comfortable until you can set it down."

"It's nothing, really," she protested. "Nothing I can't deal with."

"Of course not," Tuubel agreed. "A strong woman like you? It's nothing you can't deal with. And you are dealing with it. By sharing it."

Teysa nodded. She took a deep breath and then, in a slightly wobbly voice, began: "I have been a paladin since I was seventeen. I studied at the Abbey of St. Petronia in Tasherik..."

The whole story spilled out of her: her career, joining Aliara's adventuring party, their mission to the Underneath, the driders, the City, the goddess... she hadn't meant to say so much, but once the words began flowing it was impossible to stop them. She left out the exact details of her impregnation and her ordeal at the Empress's hands, but relayed the rest in a calm monotone. Telling the whole tale felt unreal. It was like she was relating a story she had read in a book, or something that had happened to somebody else. When she reached the part where Aliara had died and risen again, Father Tuubel's eyes widened and his gaze flickered to the half-elf for a moment, but he continued to listen in polite silence.

When she had finished, Teysa sat back and exhaled. Only then did her voice break. "And He's silent, Father!" she said, feeling the lump in her throat and hating it. "I don't feel Him around me and in me like I once did. When I pray, it's like nobody is listening! Is He testing me? Have I angered Him?" She swallowed. "Are we so far outside of His light that He cannot reach us down here?" The thought felt terribly heretical, but she couldn't stop herself from voicing it. She hadn't realized how much she missed the sun, but now she was feeling its absence keenly. She stared at Father Tuubel, looking for some hint of condemnation in his expression, but the old man's face was carefully blank. He ran his fingers through his beard and stared at her.

Just as the silence was becoming awkward, he broke it. "Thank you for sharing your story with me, Teysa," he began. "I cannot imagine how you have suffered. Your courage and fortitude are admirable. Certainly much greater than my own. I don't know if a foolish old man like me, a man who failed his Church and his congregation, really has any place advising you." He raised a finger. "But! I will do my best. In answer to your question: yes, Agamor's light reaches, even down here. Your order's mission is to bring a light into dark places, isn't it?" He waited for Teysa to nod before proceeding. "And there is nowhere darker than the Underneath, I shouldn't think. My own mission was sent for the same reason. If you live in the sun, you don't need a reminder of its warmth, do you?"

Teysa smiled ruefully. "I suppose not..."

"Indeed. It's easy to have faith in the warmth of the sun when you feel that warmth on your skin every day. Down here, it's hard. There is no shame in having doubts. We all have doubts sometimes. Shame only comes when you let your doubts stop you from doing what you know is right." Tuubel took one of Teysa's hands in both of his. His skin was warm and leathery. His liver-spotted fingers trembled slightly as he spoke. "You heard that I was in trouble and you immediately sought to help, regardless of the personal risk, didn't you? Without payment. Even when you saw my sin, you came to help me, because you knew that I was in peril. You acted according to the paladin's creed. That is your faith. You know right from wrong, and when you know that, you cannot choose wrong. You want to hear Agamor's voice? It's the inner voice that tells you to help the ****, to protect the meek, to chase off evil wherever it lurks."

"But when I pray," Teysa said, "I used to... I used to feel him. It was like standing by a window on a summer day and feeling the sunbeam on my face. Warmth, and comfort, and light... now, I just feel like I'm speaking to myself. Have I displeased him? Am I being punished?"

The old man pursed his lips. "I can't see why," he said. "I thought I was being punished for my own crime when that drow woman took me prisoner, but now I see that was all part of His plan as well. He put me in your path. Why? To teach us a lesson? To give your an opportunity to do good? That all seems a little pat, doesn't it? We're not playing pieces in a game to Him, we're people. But He had a reason. That's my faith. I trust that, whatever comes, it serves Agamor's purpose. I serve His purpose."

Aliara had been so silent that Teysa had forgotten she was there, but now she spoke up. She sounded angry. "That just sounds so passive, Father!" she said. "If something good happens, Agamor did it. If something bad happens, Agamor let it happen, so something good could happen later? What kind of way is that to live?" She shut up abruptly and gave Teysa an apologetic look, but Father Tuubel only chuckled.

"Maybe so," he said. "I'm a bit old to learn a new way of looking at things, I'm afraid. But I'm down here, aren't I? I think that Agamor has a plan for us, but that doesn't mean we just sit around waiting for it to come to fruition. We do our best to live honestly and faithfully. That's our end of the bargain. And if we hold up our end, Agamor will hold up His."

"Father," Teysa insisted. "I know that His ways are not our ways, but it still feels like He's... pulling back from me, somehow. Leaving me alone. My Order has certain rites, you understand, to channel Agamor's holy power and smite His foes, and I have found them harder and harder to manifest. Usually they don't work at all. That's not a feeling, or a mood, or a, a, suspicion or something. It's real. Isn't it?"

This time it took a while for Father Tuubel to answer. "I am not a paladin," he began, "but Agamor gives certain gifts to his clergy, as well. When I was a young man-- yes, I was young once!-- I dreamed of channeling His holy fire. I wanted to wander the world, healing the sick and righting wrongs. Even, perhaps, bringing life to those unjustly cut down." His gaze once again landed on Aliara, and a hint of a wistful smile curled his lips. "I had some tricks, yes. I could close wounds by laying hands on them, I could blind foes with a flash of Agamor's light. I even traveled with a band of adventurers for a while. But the world was full of adventurers, and whenever we arrived at a town, there were always more problems to solve. Thousands of us, tens of thousands criss-crossing the land, and none of us seemed to make the slightest bit of difference. All of my tricks couldn't create anything that lasted. What you did in the drow City... that will last. I hope. It's fragile, but we're seeing the effects of the peace, even now. The slaves are free, did you know that?" At that, Aliara looked up suddenly. Teysa felt the half-elf's body go stiff.

Father Tuubel went on as though he hadn't noticed. "So maybe some of your rites aren't working the way they used to, but that doesn't mean Agamor doesn't want you. You don't need them now, that's all. You've entered a different phase of your service. Those tricks are a distraction from your true purpose."

Teysa nodded. All that made sense, she knew it did. She still felt that she was missing some crucial thing, some explanation that would get across her feelings of emptiness. Her fears had not gone away. Indeed, they had sharpened; if Agamor really did follow His servants everywhere, even into the Underneath, then why did she feel so very alone?

"I hear you, Father," she said, "and I thank you for your counsel. I'm sorry, I know the problem is with me, not with Agamor. I just... I can't... it's one thing to say that he's still with me, but to know..."

She burst into tears.

Aliara's hands were at her shoulders, rubbing, squeezing, but Teysa leaned forward. Wordlessly Father Tuubel wrapped her up in a hug and patted her on the back. Up close he smelled musty, like a library full of old books, with sharp undertones of the creams and salves she had found in his room. She felt a sudden stab of guilt for prying and sobbed all the harder. She felt the years fall away, and all at once she was back at the Abbey, crying in the corner of the chapel because she missed her mother and father. Then old Sister Charity had sat with her and sung softly until she calmed down. Now, it was Father Tuubel. "There, there," he murmured in her ear. "It's all right, Teysa. You've been through a terrible ordeal." The two of them rocked back and forth for a minute or so, until the flood dried up and Teysa sniffled. Tuubel produced a cotton handkerchief from somewhere in his robes and handed it over for her to blow her nose.

Tuubel took her hand again and looked up into her eyes. His stare was surprisingly intense, and for a moment, Teysa caught a glimpse of the young adventurer with fire in his belly. "Teysa," he said, "there are all kinds of theological justifications I could give you, examples from scripture of warriors who fought Agamor's enemies with nothing but the strength of their limbs. All kinds of stories about warriors who kept the faith even in their darkest hours. But I don't think any of that is necessary. I know Agamor hasn't abandoned you, not because of Him, but because of you. You're the one who keeps risking her life to save people. You're the one who forgives even the monsters who captured her. The very fact that you're so worried about losing Agamor's favor means you shouldn't be. You embody the ideals of the Order of the Golden Ray. I can't speak for our God. I don't know if He's testing you, or why, or what His silence might mean. But you certainly haven't done anything that would make Agamor turn His back on you, and He doesn't punish without reason. So, since there's no reason, this must be no punishment. Logical, no?"

He smiled, and Teysa couldn't help but smile as well, though her eyes were red from crying. "There's one other thing, Father..." she began, and absurdly, her cheeks flushed. "I mean, you may have guessed it, but Aliara and I aren't just, uh, we're not friends, I mean we're friends, but we're also, uh..."

Aliara slid an arm protectively around Teysa's chest and laid her head on the paladin's shoulder. "We're lovers."

"I hate that word," Teysa said, but she nodded all the same. "But it's true, I guess. God, I really hate that word, Li, don't say that to people."

Aliara shrugged. A ghost of a smirk lingered on her lips.

Father Tuubel gave them an appraising look, arched one eyebrow, then collapsed in a fit of laughter. "Really?" he said. "That is what was worrying you? Teysa, did your Abbey not offer theology classes, or did you sleep through them?" He raised a hand at the sight of her stricken expression. "I'm joking! Teysa, Aliara, love is the greatest gift Agamor gives us. There is no requirement that you be celibate, and if He cared so very much about what form your love took, well, I certainly would never have become a priest." He winked at their shocked expressions. "Oh, it's all the same at my age, anyways."

"Thank you, Father," Aliara said. "I've been telling her that she's not a sinner for a while now. Maybe she'll believe it coming from you. You do, right, Tey?"

Teysa hesitated, then nodded. "Alright. I will... meditate on what you said, Father." She paused. "I don't suppose... you could tell us when your next service will be? It's been so long. I miss it."

Tuubel pushed himself to his feet, a long process involving much grimacing and rubbing of sore joints. "It can be now," he said. "For you. We don't wait for noon down here. Agamor understands."

Teysa turned to Aliara. "Li, I may be a while. You don't have to wait for me if you don't want to. Should I just meet you at Jez'ria's stall?"

"Are you kidding?" Aliara cocked her head. "Tey, I'm praying with you. I don't know all the words, but this stuff is important to you, right? So it's important to me. I'll try not to yawn."

Teysa threw her arms around Aliara and squeezed. The half-elf wriggled like a fish in her grip, but didn't try to pull away. After a long while Teysa relaxed and, not trusting herself to look Aliara in the face, took her by the hand.

The service was indeed long and, though Teysa would not have admitted it, boring. They stood, they sat, they stood again and knelt down in the pews. There were readings, some in ancient languages. Teysa had sat through many such services in her life, but always as part of a huge crowd. This was small and intimate. Father Tuubel looked her in the eye as he spoke. At the highlight of the service, he opened a brass chest and withdrew a golden sphere that glowed with inner light. Teysa knew that it was just amber, specially treated with chemical compounds, but it glowed like a miniature sun in his hands. She closed her eyes and, for just a moment, felt the sun on her face. Then the service was over and she was left kneeling in the pew. She closed her eyes and lowered her head.

Agamor, she prayed, thank You for delivering Your faithful servant from evil. Thank You for the opportunity to bring Your light into this darkness. Please shine Your light upon me and guide me that I may serve Your will. Help me bring justice, defend the innocent, and root out evil wherever it lurks. I do this in Your name. Amen.

She hadn't expected a response, and wasn't surprised when she didn't receive one. But she was still smiling as she stood and gently shook the dozing Aliara. The sunbeam she had felt had been trickery with a sphere of amber, she knew. But it had also been a sunbeam, a real sunbeam, Agamor's warm caress. The memory nestled in her heart and buoyed her up.

As they stepped back out into the market, Aliara took her arm. They walked in silence for a while, then the half-elf spoke up.

"So? Did that help at all?" she asked. She sounded apprehensive, and Teysa could feel her fingers digging into her arm. She gently extricated herself and turned to answer.

"I think so," she said. "It's something I am going to have to work through. But he didn't seem to think I'm being punished or abandoned."

"And what do you think?"

Teysa sighed and looked away. "I don't think it matters what I think."

"It matters to me!"

"Well... it's hard to explain. It's like... imagine you hear a noise in your head every hour of every day, so constant that you stop consciously hearing it, and then one day it's gone. It feels like I'm off-balance."

"Tey, you know I'm here for you, right?" Aliara was back to squeezing her arm, and when Teysa turned, she saw the half-elf staring up at her with an intense expression on her face. "I'm here. Anything you need. Anything I can do. Just say the word, ok?"

"I will, Li," Teysa assured her. "Thank you. For everything."

They walked in companionable silence as the merchants all around them struck their tents and rolled up their mats. Up ahead Teysa could see the bulky shapes of Jez'ria and El'keth. The smaller drider noticed them first and waved enthusiastically.

"Teysa! Aliara!" she called as they approached. "How was your mission? Was it a success?"

Teysa shrugged and immediately regretted it as the knots in her neck flared in pain. "I guess," she said. "You made a profit, right?"

"A handsome vun." Jez'ria was grinning toothily from ear to ear. "Vith your help, of courze. Ve got everything ve needed and more. Show them, little vun."

El'keth held out one arm. Her wrist was decorated by a bracelet of braided gold. A massive cabochon ruby dominated the center, ringed by spirals of lapis and jade. "Look what I bought!" she said. "Jez'ria said it's my share. It's lovely, isn't it?"

"It is!" Teysa agreed. It was a little ostentatious for her tastes, but she didn't want to puncture the young drider's obvious enthusiasm. "And that's not all!" El'keth said. "Look!" She held out a spool of bright silver thread. "Jez'ria said that she will teach me to weave more elaborate patterns when we get back, and with this I can make more clothes!"

Jez'ria rolled her eyes. "Clothez. Will you hark at her? Vhat is wrong with your body, that you need hide it so?" She gestured at her flat stomach and round, swaying breasts. "Nobody tellz me I should put on clothez. Clothez are for two-legz."

El'keth looked away hurriedly. "Well, I like them," she said in a quiet voice. "I think they look nice."

"Me too," Aliara added. "You know, Jez'ria, she could probably knock something quick in taffeta out for you. You sure you're not interested?"

The thought of a drider in a ballgown was too much for Teysa and she hid a giggle behind her palm. El'keth laughed too, and Jez'ria had the good grace to smile. "Another time," she said. "Ve rest now, and ve should head out tomorrow. Help me load this onto the cart." She gestured at the day's proceeds-- a crate full of metal tools and weapons, a couple of large baskets full of coal, and some of the glowing stones, plus a large chest full of silver coins. Together they managed to womanhandle it into the cart and trundle back to the Cockatrice.

There was no question of the driders fitting through the entrance, so Teysa and Aliara brought dinner out to them. The four of them sat in a circle chewing on some kind of roast fowl (supposedly pheasant, though Teysa had her doubts) while Aliara related the details of their adventure earlier that day. El'keth's eyes grew huge when they reached the part about the fire. When they had finished, she clapped her hands to her mouth. "You two are so brave!" she gushed. "And clever, too!"

Even Jez'ria seemed impressed. "It vas a daring plan," she conceded. "Foolish, but... sometimez the godz smile on that sort of thing. Vell done." She licked the grease off her fingers and stretched her arms over her head. "Ve have a long day of traveling tomorrow, and ve have to be vell-rested. I can't afford to lose any more legs."

Teysa had avoided looking at the drider's injuries-- one leg was a stump, another crushed and mangled-- and she shivered now at the nonchalant way Jez'ria talked about them. "Are you sure that the Matron can help you with those?" she asked.

"No," Jez'ria said. "But if she can't I can't do anything about it. And if she can I don't need to do anything about it. So vhy vorry?"

That philosophy seemed a little fatalistic for Teysa, but she was in no mood to make an issue of it. Her stomach was full, she was warm, and for the next day at least, probably nobody would be trying to kill her. She'd take that.

"Goodnight," she said. "See you tomorrow." She stood and, Aliara in tow, headed back to her room.