I DON'T Know What You Mean Who Has Time for RHYMES

You have no real idea of how long you're out for, or even how long you could have been out for. You've always considered yourself a storied sleeper, so, fuck, a good long while you bet. The explosion of flaring pain that knocked you out was as intense as everything you've ever felt, so maybe this will be a record breaker! Does Guinness keep track of "Longest Time Spent **** at a Job Interview"? If so, they can mail the trophy or medal or whatever the fuck straight to your passed out ass.

Sadly, you'll never get the accolades you so richly deserve, because someone who is CLEARLY jealous of your accomplishments has taken you by the shoulders and seems to be violently shaking you around. Well fine, fuck, whatever; guess the record books can wait.

With a strangled gasp and a rather loud snort you jerk awake, reflexively batting away the hands of your unknown alarm clock to blindly flounder backwards. You quickly find your back pressed up against a cold wall as you desperately attempt to catch your breath, eyes boggling as the world torturously sorts itself out. Fuuuck, going back to being out cold sounds like a good call right now. Is there a rock nearby you can bash yourself in the head with?

As you contemplate smashing your skull against the wall, your semi-helpful Samaritan crouches down before you. And uh, now that you can sort of see again, he's pretty fuckin' big. Huge, even. You're more or less average height, but even hunkered down you can tell this dude is at least one, maybe even two feet taller than you are, and he's goddamn jacked. You don't have a clue how the sort of muscles that bulge from the stranger's deeply tanned frame are possible without making a deal with some sort of body-building Satan. And the way he's dressed! Some sort of, fuckin'...chainmail tanktop, or something, with a big shiny breastplate strapped over it? Between that and the horned helmet that encases his giant head, it's like this guy got lost on his way to audition for the bad guy in the next Mad Max movie.

Oh hey, you can see your reflection in his breastplate.

Oh hey, um....what?

You scoot forward onto your knees to more closely inspect yourself in the stranger's armor, ignoring both your admittedly fading pain and the way the other man stiffens in what you suppose is discomfort at the invasion of his personal space. But you don't really care at the moment, because the You that is reflected back at you is green. Not with envy, or around the gills, or with lack of experience, but blue mixed with yellow, ten-count box of crayons, Kermit the Frog Green.

And you know what? It looks fucking GREAT on you. This is 'The Monstrous Prince', right? You got the job? And they, um...dressed you up while you were passed out? Well, if this doesn't work out you've probably got something to sue them over, then, so let's just take a closer look-see while we're all here.

You scootch even closer to the stranger slash mirror, taking in the full scope of yourself. Wow, you've never looked hotter than you do with green-painted skin. Is that weird? It's like you're somehow actually handsomer. And there are a bunch of other little changes too that just add to your rogueish charm. Your hair's been dyed black and given the sort of stylishly alternative cut that you'd have otherwise never dared, and the protective leathers you've been stuffed into look like something a LARPing Mick Jagger might strut about in. All that, plus the cheeky little horns and ear extensions that look like they started at elf and then said 'Fuck it, let's do the last third with vampire bat'? This costume is goddamn awesome. Who fucking knew that your best possible look would wind up being Punk Rock Grinch?

No doubt this is all super weird. But damn if you aren't going to fuck the shit out of some hot weirdo RenFaire chicks this summer with THIS getup. Accepting this job via blackout was the best decision ever.

Your reverie is broken when the stranger you're still using as a dressing room mirror clears his throat awkwardly before speaking, his powerful bass voice richer than you might have expected. "Are you done yet?"