Take the lamp to your apartment, where you can rub it in private. (The lamp, pervert!)

You stuff the lamp inside your jacket and try to walk as inconspicuously as possible back to your car. You place the lamp on the passenger seat and replace your socks and shoes. On the way to your apartment, you rack your brain to think of the most foolproof wishes you can make.

In the lobby of your apartment building, you run into Ms. Damon. A recent divorcee, she seems to be trying to replace her husband with as many men as possible, and you've had to decline her advances a few times before. It's not that she's unattractive – she's got a great body, and you can tell, because she never wears much. For example, right now she's wearing a spandex sport bra and matching shorts, her workout clothes, and you can clearly see her nipples standing out hard from her full, ample breasts. The thing is that she's too pushy, and obviously has some massive amounts of baggage that would be way too much trouble to wade through just to get laid. “Well hello handsome!” She straightens your tie, standing entirely too close to do the job effectively.

“Hello, Ms. Damon. You doing well?” You hold the lamp behind your back, hoping that she didn't notice it.

“I'm just grrrrrrreat! Rowr!” She giggles as she makes a clawing gesture at you.

“I'm sorry, Ms. Damon, but I'm in a bit of a hurry. Have a good day!” You rush past her before she can respond, and head up the staircase, knowing if you got into the elevator, she'd jump in with you.

You arrive on the third floor and begin to walk to your door, all the way at the far end of the hall. A door opens halfway down the hall, and Electra steps out. You silently curse your luck.

Electra is a drag queen, and, as usual, is really decked out today, in a gold lame mini-dress with matching 5-inch heels. She used to hit on you, right after she moved in three weeks ago, but you politely declined each time, until last week she pushed it too far. You said something nasty, instantly regretting hurting her feelings, but unable to take it back. You haven't seen her since, so you don't know how this is going to go. You have **** but to keep walking and hope it doesn't turn into an ugly scene.

Luckily, she looks down and walks silently past you toward the elevator.

Safely in your apartment, you lock the door, sit down on the couch, and place the lamp on your coffee table. After gazing at it for a little while, you shrug, and reach out to rub it. A thick blue smoke begins to pour from the lamp. Just like in the movies, the smoke congeals, and forms a caricature Arabian genie, blue-skinned and complete with gold hoop earrings, a gold-embroidered vest, and the big puffy Arabian pants, standing on your coffee table. You control your urge to laugh, but just barely.

“Thank you, Master! You have released me from my imprisonment, and I am your servant. I will grant you three wishes, no more, no less, and then I will be released from your service. I merely await your command, Master.”
You can't believe this is actually happening, but there is no arguing that you are looking at a blue man who just poured out of a bronze lamp and is standing in your living room. The only thing to do is go with it.

“Here goes. Genie, I wish that everyone who comes into contact with me feels the instant, uncontrollable desire to make me happy.”

The genie crosses his arms and nods theatrically. “ALAKAZAAM! It is done, Master.”

“Really? You actually say “Alakazaam” when you grant a wish?”

“Yes, Master.”

You suppress, with some difficulty, a fit of laughter. “Okay. Here's the next one. Genie, I wish that anyone who hears anything I say or reads anything I write will instantly believe me, without question.”

The genie again crosses his arms and nods. “ALAKAZAAM! It is done, Master.”

You again suppress the laughter, but one cackle escapes. “All right, here's the last one. Genie, I wish that I have complete control over my body's shape, size, features, and functions, and can alter it in any way, great or small, instantly, painlessly, and permanently, until I decide to change it again.”

The genie once more crosses his arms and nods. “ALAKAZAAM! It is done, Master. Now I have completed my service, and I wish you good fortune! Farewell!” He dissipates into a cloud of blue smoke and returns to the lamp, which begins to glisten brightly. The brightness intensifies until you cannot help but turn away. When you look back, the lamp is gone.