Pick Joan (THE END)

"Brent... Brent, maybe you didn't understand. I said pick one of the Prizes." Monty laughed, gesturing towards the other five women who had now all risen to their feet. "So, which is it..."

"Nope... I'm going with her..." I pushed past him rudely and tromped up the aisle.

"Ok, Ok... I think we need to cut here..." Monty objected, attempting to slow my movement, when suddenly I heard the sound of a gunshot behind me. Instinctively I lunged for the person nearest to me, who just happened to be Joan, and pulled her behind one of the counters as the gunfire continued to echo about the room.

"Fuuuck... ok, whoops, we're doing it THIS way then..." Joan giggled, from near my feet. In my haste to get into cover I'd somehow managed to end up face down with her shoes about two inches from my face. "Ok. So, first off. get off me, because I have to get to the booth here..."

I scrambled to my feet and peeked over the railing as the vast majority of the audience stampeded towards the exits. The very first sounds of fire had instilled a sense of self preservation in everyone present and in almost no time at all they had begun stampeding outwards, including the security guards. Come to think of it... I noticed that Helen wasn't actually... aiming at anybody. She'd fired a few shots, and the vast majority of people had just... run.

Joan had already begun moving quickly, jumping through the abandoned band platform and knocking over both a set of wind chimes and a harp which twanged loudly as it collapsed against a seat and several music stands. Looks like the band had wisely took off as well. All that remained was a slight man at a control panel and switchboard, who took one look at the approaching woman, armed with a wait... she wasn't actually holding a weapon, but the guy reacted as if she had been, and bolted directly towards the door.

"What the... why did he run?" I asked shocked, before turning and noting Helen holding Monty Hall hostage. She had him seated in a small office chair, and Both Kaila and Carla were busily tying him to the arms using whatever was at hand. Looked like a lot of signs were involved.

The blank signs of the monitors, and the closed doors momentarily kept me silent, before I noticed the glowing white "On Air" sign. Still lit.

Joan gestured to the microphone that lay on the floor, and I picked it up trying to think of what to say. Hell with it, Might as well have some fun.

"Oh, yeah. This is the real Let's Make a DEAL. The voice of the random weirdos: this is Brent speaking. Yo. Shit, Monty, you guys oughta to have fun. Make more people smile once in a while... It's like you WANT people hating their life.!" I moved towards the panel, noticing that the cameras were still showing pretty much nothing.

I could hear the sound of doors being locked, and I glanced around noting that doors were rapidly being secured by my accomplices.

"Wait... was this the plan? Take this guy hostage and... what... what are we going to do now? " I asked, noting that I thought I could hear the distant sounds of sirens.

"I dunno... didn't think it out past actually grabbing control of the broadcast. Hope you've got a plan." Joan flipped several switches. "Uhm, you're still on... say something to grab peoples attention, you know like uh... Area Fifty One doesn't have Aliens! It's just a Conspiracy Theory to draw away attention from the real aliens who live among us. Epstein Didn't Kill Himself! Free Toilet Paper!"

"You can't do conspiracy theory on the air!" Monty shouted at me. "And what do you actually think you're going to say. You can't just change the world with one broadcast..."

"Hey, look at all the stuff we found. There's over 5,000 years worth of secrets of the universe in this prize box over here...!" Kaila laughed, pulling out a large deck of what looked like thin cards and tossing to me.

"You gals scored." I cheered.

"Nobody minds if I wear one of these?" Charlotte Grinned, dragging an original "Let's Make a Deal" t-shirt out of a small box that lay on the prop table . "Seriously with this dress... Actually, don't care. I'm taking one anyway."

I turned and addressed the camera, the red light still on.

"You've gotta see this. We've got Knowledge, we've got Cheat Codes, we've got... Oh, what have we here?" I ruffled a handful of blue marked bills next to the Microphone I'd appropriated from Monty. "Those sound like Secrets of the Universe to me."

"What do you say we take a few calls!" I spun and pointed at the control panel, where Joan shrugged and randomly punched a button.

"You're on the air. Ooh, let's turn down your friend requests... asshole." Joan called into the headset she was now wearing. Apparently she had appropriated it from somewhere on the floor.

"I'm sorry. I wanna talk to the guy with the apple." The feminine voice echoed from the speakers above as Joan's hands danced across a nearby keyboard, her attention on a small laptop which apparently had nearly everything wired through it.

"I just said he can hear you, So talk already."

"I want some Secrets about that stuff with Penelope Lovestocking and the whole reincarnation thing?"

"Oh, you actually are interested in that neo-pagan bullshit?" I groaned, trying to concentrate on the moment. Seriously, all the secrets in the universe and the gal wants to know about something that has no bearing on...

"Goddesses rip, Dude." She cheered over the speakers.

"All right, girl, no problem. You gotta come on down to the site though because we've got free secrets of the universe to give away... but we are completely surrounded by big tech censors. We're buried at LEAST ten pages back on a google, probably more." I looked over at Joan who rolled her hand in an indication that she wanted more. "Hell, I don't have any IDEA if we even show up on a google... Hell, We need some feedback here. Go. You're On Let's Give Away Shit."

"You can't make fun of the Title!" Monty objected. "You're gonna get us Sued!"

"Whoa, am I on the air?" Came a youngish sounding male voice from the speaker.

"Come on, Butt-head, give me the headset." Came another voice, this one more gravely and annoying.

"μιλάω αγγλικά, dipshit?" Joan groaned. "I swear it's like they don't even think about what they're going to say before it comes out their mouths."

"Come on, Butthead. No way." The scratchy voice continued, to be quickly silenced by a rapid, "Shut up, Beavis."

"So what do you guys want to know? Any questions that you've got, we've got the answers to!" I spoke quickly, glancing at the doors, and certain that the distant sound of sirens was only my imagination.

"You have a bunch of chicks that are, like, Hot, right?" The voice said, pausing for a second before continuing,

"Why don't you make the chicks get naked? HUhuhuhuhuh"

"Yeah, Yeah! NAKED! EEHEHEHEHEEHEH!" The second voice cut in, before Joan abruptly cut the feed with disgust

"Usual crop of assholes, apparently..." She snorted. "Let's go to some Music... Here's Some Shit that you aren't going to be able to hear in concert since they Closed the Canadian Border... One for Monty..." ( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sciKBQmd0bA Theory of a Deadman - World Keeps Spinning)

"Hey, girls, we're on Reddit!" Charlotte grinned, typing away at a phone... "Oh, never mind you don't want to read this crap..."

"Let me see," I groaned, looking over her shoulder. 'Might as well... oh you have got to be KIDDING me ...A band of failed goddesses lashing out at the societies that won't worship... clearly sex obsessed minds recognize as a public forum: an internet pornograpy site... Oh, man. This is complete bullshit... and I quote: 'The problems of a group of free love degenerates are the least likely to elicit interest from an internet already beleaguered by people with real problems. Ugh... hate that social justice crap..."

"I'd like to croak those self-righteous cunts." Joan grimaced, chucking the phone against a wall where it helpfully shattered.

"DON'T Say that, you're gonna get me investigated by the FBI." Monty shouted. "You have any idea what broadcasting THREATS get you?"

"I didn't say any names." Joan Grinned. "Yet..." She licked a finger, and held up a small file marked Disney Princess Leia. "The night's still young, though."

"You've really great arms. You should show them off more," Charlotte remarked to Nikki, who had been standing by and holding a nice golden bow that she'd appropriated from it's display. Nikki smiled in response as Charlotte's hand began to stroke along her bicep. I glanced over to the display and noted that the golden girdle was still on its mannequin.

"How does she do that?" I remarked to Helen.

"Charlotte gets her hands on more kitty than a veterinarian," Helen laughed giving me a quick hug. "Brent, you have any idea how appealing a woman with no complications is? No therapist? No ex girlfriends stalking you in the night, and no drama about who makes out with who at a bar? Even straight girls go for that. I swear, I could Install a deli number on our bedroom if she wanted. Speaking of which, want one when we move in?"

"Man, you got hot myths here and I never see them. Why don't you ever tell these?" I scanned through the files that were crammed away in a small box marked "Slush Pile".

"That's the head honcho's call, why don't we ever hear them, Monty?" Joan Grinned at Monty. "Let's hear the official response from headquarters?"

"People expect certain myths and stories." Monty pointed out. "They're universal. The ones that work. If those ones were so hot, how come they don't have tons of people talking about them, sweetheart?"

"'Cos you never tell 'em, sweetheart. You suck." Joan blew a raspberry at him. "Course you're only following orders, but you are way too enthusiastic about it."

"What do you think, Helen?" I looked over at the armed woman, who now flipped through a few of the files that I had pulled out.

"To tell you the truth, I stick to the classics. Interesting stories about magic have been in freefall since Tolkien died." She responded with a quick shake of her hand before she regripped her rifle.

At this point, much as I loved this woman, I had to disagree with her, I had enjoyed some of the recent stories that people had completely ignored. I had to at least stand up for something I liked. Even if it was something dumb and completely pointless.

"Ya know, My whole life, people have been cramming this classic literature crap down my throat. Think I give a shit about Shakespeare?" I shrugged. "I mean, yeah, he's great and fun, but there's MORE stuff out there besides him that people don't remember. Why not remix some of that instead of... all the stuff that they do?"

"No offense love, but today's stories don't have a whole lot to say." Helen pointed out. "Might as well film half of em right here with bedrooms and babes instead of curtains and prizes."

"Is that right? So you're gonna tell me that 'A Midsummer Nights Dream' means something other than watching stupid people do stupid shit?" I laughed. "Magic roofies and guys running around with horseheads."

"Hey, Monty, man, wait till you hear my stuff, I kick ass..." Joan cheered, pointing to the bag that still was hung round my shoulder. "Soon as we get things together, this guy's gonna be busy! Got so much work to do... so many ideas to work on."

"Swell. Yeah, I can't wait to read your brilliant creations." Monty rolled his eyes.

"Beats the shit out of the crap zero creativity shit you planned out to get interest, you tool." Nikki called from the small table, and she flipped through a second box marked "Future show ideas". "He's got himself a whole canon full of Disney/Marvel Crossovers ready to go and you're talking trash?"

"A collection of Crossovers?" Joan looked at Monty angrily.

"Yeah, they've got a stockpile of low effort shit-story scripts in here. Lotta chosen one narratives, and lots and lots of secret origins." Nikki continued to flip. "Got a hero for every identity, sexuality, gender..."

"Sparky doesn't even watch modern mythology. What are you doing with a whole bunch of crossovers? You know what FUCK it... I'm not... gimme a second here, audience doesn't need to hear this... Think the songs over anyay... Aloha out there in CHYOA. This is Electra-Valissa on CHYOA, the only internet site that sounds like a sacred Chao ... comin' at ya, smooth-talking MC Heretic!" Joan kicked her feet up on the control board, leaning her head back as she smoothly delivered the lines. "While we wait for the wonder twins to finish sorting through the evil overlord's plans, we're gonna play some more new shit Folks! Yup, Let's Give Away SHIT! And let's go to a song, while we try to figure out what that pair of Long Johns that Carla is holding is?"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c4LNJfFjEvw (ALESTORM! - Treasure Chest Party Quest)

She took in the site of the plain white garments with strategically placed symbols that Carla had pulled out of a small satchel marked Wardrobe.

"What the hell are those?" Joan gaped, trying to take in the item.

"They're magic underwear, Joan. You know, Temple Garb?" Monty shrugged in his chair.

"And that?" Joan pointed to a small paperback which Kaila was holding by an extended arm, one finger and a thumb. She had pulled it out of a box which was clearly labeled "Inspirational Romance"

"Hey, I don't have to explain myself to you, you said you wanted out. So... We're changing formats. Just like you requested. Soon as we can we reboot to a Mormon Story. We're changing the name to The Celestial Marriage." Monty smiled happily and gestured with shoulders to the best of his ability. "You know, 'Remove those sinful urges with a holy story about a blessed Celestial Marriage on CHYOA. That, and we're being **** to re-staff... people want the characters replaced with recognizable porn stars so we can include more pictures."

"You fucking COWARD... you get two seconds of pushback, and you just roll over! You're firing me, you pathetic little toady? Where do you get the órcheis to fire me?"

"This was handed down by the polls, Joan! You're the one who turned against us."

"I say we kill him." Helen suggested.

"I say hurt him very badly, then kill him." Nikki Concurred.

"I say we hurt him very badly, kick him in the nuts, tell him he has ugly children and then kill him." Joan spoke rapidly to the two women, who both merely shrugged in response.

"You know what? Hell with him." I gestured to the microphone. "Let's have some fun. What to do..."

"Well, You've got most of the world listening, imagine it. They're hanging on your every word. Demanding that you tell them what to do with their lives. What the answers to life's most important questions are! What are you gonna say?" Joan smiled, waiting for my response.

"I'm gonna say... Thank you for coming, now please, FUCK OFF!!!!" I shouted the last into the Microphone, to the soft sound of feedback.

"Fuck off? Seriously? That's what you're going to people who look up to you and want inspiration?" The angry former host snarled from his position in the chair, helpfully tied into position.

"There's a saying, Monty. The people who you should listen to are the first ones to warn you it's a bad idea." Joan smiled, hitting play on the next track, and she pressed the hold button.

"You're on the air with Let's Give Away Shit... Can't wait to hear ONE... ONE Stupid Question... ah... ah... ah..."

Credit Music

Or

Credit Music (If you prefer to wonder if this is a happy ending or not)