Panic and confusion

I cannot believe how soft and sweet her lips are. My weary heart is pounding with new life as her lips pucker slightly in an instinctive feminine invitation to continue. As the kiss deepens, I take note of the way her lips cling to mine –and then it all goes to Hell.

I feel Alison stiffen in my arms, instead of clinging to my arms her hands move to my chest and push against me. Obviously, this slight young woman had no chance break my embrace by ****, but that wasn't the point. I regretfully ended the kiss.

“Stop.” Her mouth moves against my lips as she forms the word. As I lift my head she speaks louder and more ****. “STOP!” Her eyes are even bigger than usual as they whirl in a mixture of excitement and fear. She touches her hand to her quivering lips in disbelief. “Mr. Patterson, what are you doing?!”

“It’s OK, Honey.” I assure her gently; the last thing I need is for her to call the police. “I’m sorry I didn’t give you a chance; you are so beautiful that I just couldn’t resist.” For a fraction of a second her eyes brighten at my compliment, but almost immediately I see the doubt and fear return.

“Mr. P, you can’t just kiss me like that.” Her blonde hair waves softly as she shakes her head slowly. “I have a boyfriend.” Of all the arguments she could have offered this one impresses me the least; as far as I am concerned Dick can go fuck himself. “Oh my goodness!” Her gasp of surprise shows just how slow she has been to understand what I was proposing. “You want me to let you make love to me instead of paying rent?” I wouldn’t have phrased it quite that way, but at least my plan is out in the open and I don’t have to keep hiding it anymore.

“Alison, you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to.” I take her trembling hand between mine and hold it steady as I try to explain. “I’m not some sex fiend. In all the years I was married, I never once was even tempted to cheat on Fran.” Talking about my wife is the last thing I want to do, but I have to make Alison understand that I am not a monster. Well maybe I am a monster, I don’t know what I am anymore. “I just want to find a way to make this right.”

“Mr. P, I can’t have sex with you - not for money.” Alison sounds as confused as I am. “My body is a sacred temple; it can only be given to the man I love…” Her rational fades into an awkward silence as she seems to realize for the first time how unworthy Dick is to worship at this sacred temple that is her perfect body.

“You’re not having sex for money, Alison.” I try to reassure her. “That’s not what this is about.” It is a bit of bullshit, but it is not a complete lie. “I could drive to New Haven and find a whore to fuck if that’s all I wanted.” Her pretty mouth opens in shock at my coarse language. I don’t think she ever heard me curse, and for me to use both ‘whore’ and ‘fuck’ while talking to her was just another blow to her idealized idea of who I was as a person. It was time to wrap this up before I completely destroy what’s left of my reputation with this naïve young student.

“Forget I ever said anything about this.” I release her hand with a gentle squeeze, “I meant what I said about last month’s rent, that wasn’t just a ploy. I’m sure you’ll get a job or find some other way to make this right.”

“I will Mr. P,” Alison took my hand in hers this time, “I’ll pray for a miracle; Jesus won’t let me down.” Luckily Alison doesn’t play poker, because even a rank amateur could read the twitch in my eye as I cringed at her reliance in a God that I had lost faith in long ago.

“God loves you, Alison.” I sigh sadly, wishing with all my heart that it is true, “You are worthy of that love, I’m sure of it.”