Not as soon as I'd like!

I suffer through one of the single most humiliating moments of my entire life as the growing mass of titillated gamer-girls holler and cheer, frenzied at the implausibly sexy sight of me; the wolf-whistles and catcalls these horny women are slinging my way sends a deep-red flush across my grimacing visage, while their winks and blown kisses are teasing enough to make me a little harder 'down there'.

That accursed dog, Ace, slackens her leash the exact minimum amount to allow me leg movement; I seize the opportunity to face away from the perverted, photography-minded convention attendees, pleading under my breath for the beagle to just loosen it enough to free my arms. She doesn't.

A premature sigh escapes my mouth once I've finished rotating, foolishly figuring the worst is over now that the crowd has to settle for my ass, rather than prolonging the ultimate photo-shoot of my purportedly pulchritudinous penis… but the 'Oooh~'s and 'Wow!'s emanating from my onlookers puts that theory to rest, like a gazelle shot with a tranquilizer dart.

Yeah, turns out they're just as invested in my reddened bubble-butt as they are in my rock-hard boner; they make me aware of their pleasure and sympathy via verbal harassment.

"Aww, you poor guy. Your butt is so red! Can I kiss it, make it feel better?"

"Damn. And here I thought you couldn't get sexier!"

"I need pictures. Pictures of that ass!"

"Woooo! Choice ass! Who would want to hurt it?"

"This is even better than Evo moment #37!"

"C'mon! turn around again! I want to see some more dick!"

As I reel from their shamelessly sexual badgering, flushed a particularly vibrant shade of scarlet, a friendly, worried voice breaks through the catcalls, and lets me know this humiliation will end soon.

"Ahab?! Natalie?!" My best friend shouts, bewildered at the scene before her; me tangled up naked in her dog's leash in front of a massive throng of screaming nerd girls, and Natalie, blacked out and breathing heavily, lying supine on the cold floor. "I was only gone for like a minute!"

"Raquel, your dog is a menace!" I gripe. Looking over my shoulder, I can see the bosomy black woman jogging closer, holding what looks like a towel.

Raquel reprimands her mischievous mutt, "Bad Ace! Untie him now!" and, on command, the cute, evil dog runs around me the opposite rotation she had earlier, slackening the tether trapping me until I could taste the sweet freedom of moving my arms to hide my nudity.

My boss, Alan, is also present; He's officially confronting the thirty-or-so ladies about those pictures they were just taking of my naked body.

Raquel, after placing herself between me and the licentious crowd who're being soundly reprimanded, wraps an unbelievably small band of white fabric around my waist, tying it at the corner—keeping all but a minuscule sliver of my right thigh exposed, while covering my left hip halfway down to the knee—she tells me, "We got a new costume for you Ahab, but, I don't think you'll like it…"

Calming down now that my undercarriage is at least partially hidden underneath the paltry silken rag, I inquire, with trepidation thick in my voice, "Um… Why's that?"