Jesus, sin and forgiveness

“Hi, there.” I great Alison carefully, “are you doing OK?”

“I think so.” Her voice is oddly calm. “I’ve been doing a lot of studying and praying and I think I’m starting to understand.”

“Look, Alison” I sit on the foot of the bed so I am not looking down at her. “Forget abut what I said before, I - ” Alison stops me before I can even finish the thought.

“I’m not mad at you Mr. P.” She smiles at me sadly, it is not the brilliant flash of joy that I am used to, but it is something. “I know now that God is using you to punish me for my sinfulness.” This may be the very last thing I were expecting to hear. “Jesus has seen my repeated fornication and the Holy Father has judged my infidelity; you are the means by which my faith is to be tested and my sinful body will be disciplined.”

“No, Alison.” I try to stop her, but she is not going to be silenced.

“Hebrews 13:4, Mr. Patterson - Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral. I let my marriage bed be defiled even before I made my vows, Mr. P. and God has judged my sexual immorality.” This poor tormented teen. The guilt of her flings with Dick must be eating away at her like a cancer. No one as sweet as Alison should have to live with this kind of burden. I am surprised at how easily my mind is able to call up passages from a book that I had abandoned long ago.

“What about John, God IS love. Or Romans 5:8 But God shows his love for us in that, while we were still sinners.” Alison’s eyes widen in surprise. Hearing the bible quotes coming from my atheist lips was perhaps even more shocking for this naïve young woman than hearing me say I wanted to fuck her in exchange for her rent payments. “Alison Honey,” I reassure her, “God knows we are all sinners, he doesn’t punish us for sins, remember Jesus died so you are already forgiven.”

“But I’ve turned my back on Jesus, Mr. P!” Alison is close to tears again. “I let Richard f-fuck me over and over again, and I’ve been too embarrassed by my whorish sinfulness to even go to church and beg for forgiveness.” She places her hands in her face apparently done talking as if the issue was settled.

I however am not ready to give up. “Romans 7:25, Alison – You are never beyond forgiveness.” The irony of the whole thing is that I've stopped believing this shit, but I can still spout it out when I need it. Alison however is not buying it any more than I did.

“No Mr. P!” Alison jumps to her feet and pushes the bible that she had been praying on into my face pointing at a line near the top of the page. “Look, It is God's will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control your own body in a way that is holy and honorable.”

I take her in my arms and pull her trembling body between my knees and wrap my arms around her sobbing torso.

“Alison, I don’t want to get too deep in the weeds but believe me when I tell you that the Bible never actually says that premarital sex is a sin.” She shakes her head angrily, but I hold her tightly even as she tries to pull away. “Think about what Dr. Lark would say about the way the Old Testament treats women.” I must be mad to bring her professor into this, but I have to put these quotes into perspective. “Remember, in those days girls like you were like chattel to be bought and sold. The only reason premarital sex was wrong was because it cost the girl’s father money if he can’t present her as a virgin bride.” You take the bible out of her hand, and you flip back to Deuteronomy. It takes you a minute or two but even though you are only holding her still with the pressure of your knees, she does not try to pull away. You find the passage you are looking for and read it aloud.

“Here it is, ‘If a man finds a girl who is a virgin, who is not engaged, and seizes her and lies with her and they are discovered, then the man who lay with her shall give to the girl’s father fifty shekels of silver, and she shall become his wife because he has violated her; he cannot divorce her all his days.’ You see, Angel?” I grip her hands firmly, “it’s all about monetary damages, not morality.”

“Oh, Mr. P, I’m so confused.” Alison let me pull her onto my lap and rested her head on my shoulder. “I was all ready to let you take me.” She whispered softly. “You were going to punish and **** me, as penance for my sinful fornication with Richard.” I squeezed her gently even as I realized that if I had just kept my mouth shut I might have exactly what I was hoping for from this confused teenager. “Now, you’re telling me that God does not want you to be the instrument of his wrath.”

“No Honey,” I sigh deeply, “I’m pretty sure I’m not any kind of instrument of God.” The sensation of Alison’s soft body rubbing against me is awakening all sorts of feelings that are not in the least bit holy, but I fight through the temptation. “Forget about the arrangement I spoke of, Alison, you can get me the rent when you can.”