In front of a live studio audience

I'll never know how they pulled it off, but the Take-A-Bitch Foundation got ahold of the actual studio where Jimmy Kimmel Live! was filmed. They packed the house with paid extras, stuffed Brie back into that damned dress, and even had the cameras rolling as I walked out from backstage and sat on the crushed suede sofa.

"Chuck, here, is what's known as an EDP," Brie explained condescendingly to the audience. "It's a horrible condition that gives him carte blanche to **** anyone, anywhere, with unprecedented medical exemptions from all public decency and sexual misconduct laws. He actually requested to come onto the show tonight for one, very special reason, and we were legally required to comply! Chuck, mind sharing with the class what that reason is?"

"Well, it's more like two reasons," Chuck pointed at Brie's blatant cleavage with a smarmy grin. "Those two reasons, specifically."

The crowd laughed, clapped, and whistled at the open acknowledgement of just how sluttily their guest host was dressed.

"Oh," Brie fought to keep her smile while glaring at Chuck with her eyes, "I should have known! A dress like this is bound to draw some eyes, right?"

A particularly rowdy audience member shouted "Take it off!" turning Brie's face bright red with a mixture of anger, embarrassment, and resentment as the whole crowd erupted into wolfwhistling and catcalling. She gave them a little time to get it out of their systems before raising her hands to calm them down again.

"Believe me," she said, faking a strained laugh, "I've heard that before. But Chuck is here to raise awareness for a very serious sexual deviancy -- I mean, genetic disorder. Let's keep the spotlight on him, if you please."

"Thank you, Brie," I said, folding my hands thoughtfully, "but I think he's got the right idea. See, the surest way to destigmatize Ejaculation Dependence is to normalize the perfectly natural treatment. If Brie Larson helped me cum, live on national television, it would show all the other EDPs out there that they have nothing to be ashamed of, and everyone else that getting used an EDP should be a point of feminist pride."

"Of course..." Brie sighed then stood up and walked around the host's desk, muttering under her breath "Let's just get this over with."