From the Ashes of Disaster [Ten Years Later]

Chance has always been a major factor in my life. Whatever happens to me, it's always been about the odds.

The odds of a woman dying in childbirth in the developed world are less than one percent. That's what they tell me anyway. The odds that Kaila would go into a hospital and never come out just hadn't entered into my thought process. I suppose it should have. Should have known they were busy. A little mistake, just a tiny one, like not checking a tired woman's vitals for six hours while assuring her husband that it's just fine and you'll be there in a minute...

I suppose I should have fought harder, yelled harder. Screamed my head off, but Kaila didn't want me to make a fuss over her. She was sure she'd be fine with just a little nap. They didn't even let me in for visiting hours when she died. I had to find out over the phone when the nursery called to inform me that the next of kin wasn't answering. Apparently they called her mother first.

With all of the disasters, I'm just lucky that I have Daniel. It was Kaila's choice on his name, and I'll never forget the wonderful years that we spent.

Sometimes I'll catch myself talking to her, remembering what she said, what she would have thought. Then I'll look at our little boy, and be really sad for a moment before being glad for what was left. I suppose she might have known, somehow. She'd wanted me to spend so much time with Charlotte and Helen after the four of us had unofficially hooked up.

We had spent some time down in Big Sur with a bunch of gals. It hadn't been serious with anybody except for Charlotte and Helen. And only because Helen had ended up pregnant as well. She had insisted on her baby-daddy being a part of her life. Her little girl Ceto is a wonder, and having her around makes me glad that I decided to not make some really stupid decisions that had flashed through my brain for a bit there.

Nikki and Maria had decided that I was fun to have around, but for the most part, they'd rather not have boys around all the time. I was kinda shocked that the two of them hooked up, but Charlotte had explained that sometimes all two people really need is somebody who can see what they see in each other.

I'm lucky to have Charlotte and Helen. The two of them... well, they're not Kaila, but they're incredibly special to me. Helen gets it, I'm sure. She knows she can't compete with a ghost, and just tries to make sure I spend as much time living as we can. After Kaila died she and Charlotte both insisted on being called Aunt. Never mom. Kaila's always gonna be Daniel's mom.

The last time I saw Carla was at Kaila's funeral. She'd hugged me goodbye, told me she loved me, but having me around was just too painful. After the two disasters with her sister's pregnancies she didn't want to take a chance on her having the same conditions, and I didn't blame her. She knew I wanted children, and that it would eventually cause problems between us. I miss her, but she's right, it would have hurt too much.

One apartment, two women who love each other very much, with me and the kids on the side. I ended up quitting my shit job when the boss told me in no uncertain terms that a dead spouse wasn't an excuse not to come in. I suppose I should have done something about it on social media or something, but at that point I was just too stunned to care. Supposedly, the company offered childcare, and why wasn't I taking advantage of it?

I don't know if I'm better better, but I'm at least alive. I've been a home-maker for ten years now, a widower for the same length of time, and I still love her. Daniel will ask me about her from time to time, and I always tell him the truth. Helps to have Charlotte and Helen there to chime in with the happier times as well.

Grief... well, it wasn't something I was expecting to have to get used to. There was a long time I didn't want to continue. I kept asking myself why this happened, and then I had to remember the truth.

Just chance.