Dealing with a Douche

The mother got up to follow Amanda into the bathroom. The waitress brought me my tea. "I warned her about those peppers," she whispered to me, shaking her head.

"I guess she's not so smart," I replied. I ordered the shrimp lo mein. The restaurant was sparsely populated. An elderly couple dined a few tables over, and a dad and his two prepubescent kids were eating near them. A couple in their mid to upper twenties sat behind me. I could hear the man.

"This is not _real _Chinese food," he told his dinner companion "When I was in Hong Kong, working on a multi-million dollar acquisition, I ate some of the most delicious street food ever. That was authentic Chinese cooking. Then there was the week I spent in Macao...."

The guy went on bragging about his journeys and how much money he made his company, while his date sat silent. After getting his food, he criticized it as being too American and just went on. Finally, I stopped time. I got up and went to his booth.

The man was pouring soy sauce over his rice, so I moved his hand so the bottle was over his crotch. I went back and restarted time.

"Fuck it!" I heard the man say. "Damn it! These are new trousers!"

"Trousers?" I thought. "Who the fuck says trousers in this country?" I watched as the man walked into the bathroom. I enjoyed my food and then saw Amanda and her mom come back. Amanda's face was still a bit red and she was quite embarrassed. Before she sat down, I stopped time again. I have her massive wedgie. The waitress had put another glass of ice water on the table for Amanda. I took the glass and went back to the drink station. I took an empty glass and scooped ice into it. I then went into the men's room, where douche bag was near a sink dabbing the soy sauce stain on his khakis with a wet paper towel. I dipped the glass of ice into the toilet and scooped up the water in it. I then went back and put the glass on Amanda's table and restarted time.

Amanda sat down and fidgeted a bit. She sipped the water, not noticing anything unusual and returned to her meal, careful to push aside all of the peppers.

I ate my meal and noticed the men's room door open and just as douche bag was coming out, I stopped time. I went to his date, a pretty, petite girl with dark brown hair in a pixie cut, and went through her purse until I found her lipstick and some eyeshadow. I went to douche bag and put the lipstick on him and then the eyeshadow. Emptied his wallet of $200 and took his credit cards and put them in the trash can in the men's room and covered them in paper towels. He was unable to get the stain out of the crotch of his khakis. I opened his fly wide and went back. I noticed Amanda was about to take another bite of her food, some rice and a piece of celery and a peanut. I took the food and put it in her messy bun along with the food from earlier she had not noticed. I put the girl's makeup back, went to my booth and restarted time.

Douche bag came back and sat down.

His date laughed. "Did you put the make up on so people would not stare at your crotch?"

"What are you talking about?"

"You're fly is open, and you put make up on," said the girl. "I guess you figure what the hell, right?"

looked over my shoulder at the couple. The girl smiled politely at me.

"Damnit!" said the guy as we went to zip his fly. He reached up and felt his lip. "Give me a mirror!" he said. After the girl handed him her compact, the guy flipped out. "What the fuck!" he said. He grabbed a napkin and started wiping the make up off. "We're leaving!" he took out his wallet, and I turned around. "The fuck!" he said. "My cash and credit cards are gone! Someone stole them!"

"Who would have stolen your wallet, removed your stuff, and put your wallet back?" asked his date. "Or were they stolen before you left your house?"

"I don't fucking know!" said the man. The entire restaurant was staring at him.

"Keep your voice down!" said his date. "I'll pay."

The waitress brought their check, and the woman paid. They left the restaurant with the furious douche bag cursing up a storm.

I finished my meal, left a $20 tip and drove back towards home. By the time I got back to my street, the duct taped people a few houses down were gone. I pulled the car into the owners' yard, quickly shut it off and stopped time. I left the keys in the ignition and walked back to my house. I noticed a blue Camaro in Cora's driveway. Her daughter was home. I smiled a big mischievous smile.