Deal with your morning wood

Like most weekdays, you wake up about thirty minutes before your alarm with a throbbing hard-on. You reach for your phone with one hand, the other slipping into your boxers to rub one out before breakfast, when you're struck with a very strange, very powerful thought:

It'd be a shame to waste a boner that hard on your own hand. Why not go find some lady who takes your fancy and have your way with her? You've been meaning to take up a hobby anyway, right?

You've gotten plenty of mileage out of freeuse fantasies in the past, but this is something else entirely. You are absolutely convinced, for no particular reason, that you could get out of bed right now and openly any woman you happen across as casually as a kid might fly a kite.

With that in mind, you hear the shower turn on in the bathroom down the hall.