Awakening

That night my dreams are haunted by sounds and smells and images of sex. Hard pounding, wild, constant sex in every direction. To my right and left and front and back couples were fucking each other. Each couple was window into a scene I had read about in Rebecca's emails. In every one my beautiful wife was being fucked by the various men I had read about. In the case of Manny the dream version was a perfect representation, in all of the others my mind filled in the blanks of the descriptions I had read. Flesh and sweat and throaty moans filled my reality as everywhere I looked my wife was being taken. The scenes are a blur after a while. I must have seen every one of the dozens and dozens of men my wife had been with. Everyone from "Lame fuck Chuck" to the dark skinned orgies of her trip to Jamaica.

When I awoke the first thing I noticed was a mess on my stomach and the sheets above my groin. It took me second to realize what had happened. I'd had a fucking wet dream! I couldn't believe it. That hadn't happened to me since I was in my early teens! I slowly peel up the covers to peer in to confirm what I already knew. There was a dark stain on the sheet and the skin was sticky with semi-dried spunk.

"Mornin' babe." I am startled as I hear my wife's voice from the connected washroom. I snap the covers back down over my lower body just as she walks into the room. She was fully dressed for going out in blue jeans and a simple V neck sweater. I was relieved to see the wet spot hadn't soaked beyond the sheets. My cheeks burn with an embarrassed blush at the mess the blankets were concealing. Rebecca, acting as normal as any other day, hurries around to my side and leans in to kiss me. If she sensed my discomfort she didn't give any indication of it. "I'm going out to breakfast with Amber. Want to join us?" She asks in chipper tone.

I clear my throat and keep the covers pinned down to my body. I feel the cool wet spot press into my package. "Um...nah. I'm just going to sleep a bit more."

She gives me another peck on the cheek this time. "Okay. I'll see you this afternoon."

"Yeah, you bet."

"Love ya!"

"Love you too." I reply in a low voice.

With that she was gone. I wait until I hear the front door close then a bit longer before finally moving. I am in disbelief as I strip the bed of its sheets and do an unplanned load of laundry. What the hell had that been all about? A wet dream!? Seriously? The crazy thing was despite the nocturnal emissions and that fact I'd just had sex before I went to bed I was as horny as I'd ever been. Something about those damned emails had gotten to me in a powerful way.

Over the next week I strive to pretend everything was normal even though those emails turned out to be a seismic shift in our relationship. I simply couldn't not think about them.

My inner life however had been thrown into chaos. Every masculine insecurity I had was buzzing incessantly in my mind's ear.

While I was asleep the raunchy dreams continued night after night, thankfully morning wood was the only thing I awoke to after that first night's wet dreams. My waking life was no better. I simply could not look at Rebecca without immediately having the content of the emails spring unbidden to my thoughts. As I'd watch her talk all I could think about was how many cocks she's had in her mouth. Every time she would go to work I would wonder if she was with Manny despite the fact I knew her job gave her no extra time for such things. When she was out with Amber I imagined them talking about me behind my back...'the pathetic beta male', 'worse than lame fuck Chuck', Mr 'two out of ten'. I could almost hear Rebecca telling Amber all about how fast I'd been cumming lately. I was certain my score must be a one at this point.

I would find myself becoming irrationally angry and jealous yet there was no reason for it. None. I felt like she'd somehow been unfaithful but the reality was there was no evidence whatsoever that she had ever cheated on me or even thought about it. Everything I had read about happened before we started going steady. I felt gravely insulted by her review but the comments she'd made about me were made in confidence and before we really knew each other. She even made Amber swear she'd never speak of it so as to shield my feelings. Rebecca had done NOTHING wrong. I was the skeezy jerk who decided to snoop around where I shouldn't and now I was paying for it.

However, the strangest thing of all was happening right along side the unfounded anger and insecure jealousy, my libido was soaring! By God was I randy! All the fucking time! When I wasn't torn up inside and reflecting on my inadequacies as a lover I was all over Rebecca every chance we got. It was like it was back when we were first seeing each other again. When we made love I simply could not hold the thoughts of her long list of former partners back. I came embarrassingly fast every single time we went at it. I couldn't help it. I just couldn't hold back. Rebecca, bless her, never complained or teased, though I would catch her giving me amused sideways looks afterward as we cuddled. I both hated and loved those looks. I would offer to finish her off some other way but she's just smile and kiss me and tell me it was okay. I'd pry a little, for some twisted reason I wanted her to say something, to make some comment about how I performed, but she never would.

When she wasn't around my habits quickly began to change. I was consuming a lot more porn than usual, fapping a lot more than usual, and I was straying far from the vanilla scenes I normally allowed myself to watch before. When I'd peruse PornHub I found myself gravitating more and more towards interracial and big cock videos or cheating wife movies with obvious alpha male characters. I couldn't help but mentally insert my beautiful Rebecca into these scenes, followed by inserting myself into them but purely as a spectator. Imagining my wife's pussy stretched around those comparatively enormous cocks had me going in no time. I reveled in it! It was as if I'd discovered porn for the first time all over again. I wouldn't even be done my nut before the shame of it all would come crashing in on me.

I was caught in an insidious cycle of my own creation. The shame seemed to fuel the lust which in turn fueled the shame. The highs were so very, very high. The lows equally intense. I felt like I was being torn asunder between the strong pulls of my raw desires and my masculine pride.

Somewhere along the way I convinced myself that despite the fact that everything had been good between Rebecca and I up until now that something had to change.

For the first time since I met Rebecca I found myself wanting to...spice things up in the bedroom. Maybe a toy or two. Perhaps we could watch some adult content together. Some roleplay could be fun. Possibly she had some kinks she'd like to explore. I knew from the emails she'd tried lots of stuff in the past, including a bit of bondage. Something she'd be willing to explore once more? And maybe, just maybe, I could get her talking about her previous life and all of the studs she'd been with before me.

But how would she react? What would she say? I'd always been such a basic and deeply inhibited man, how would she respond to this stuff suddenly coming up? Should I just go all out with my suggestions or start gradually? I had so many worries.

There was only one way to find out. All I had to do now was muster the nerve and man up to talk to her about it.