After-Action Field Report, Vampire (Male)

Yikes! See, that’s why I say you always need to be careful. If I didn’t have some measure of protection, Thomas back there would have killed me, and given I didn’t precisely find him starving, just for the thrill of it. Unfortunately, that’s not a stark rarity in vampires, but this is a good moment to talk about sexual divergence of behavior.

While male and female vampires are theoretically the same, culture influences everything we do. Male vampires are just as **** to patriarchal misogyny as human men. Old-world attitudes exacerbate this, such a traditions that insist all humans are cattle. This is even worse in Europe, where older vampires tend to also hold outdated views on the sexes, including ones that state women are out-and-out inferior to men on a base level. These things combine to create a dangerous set of precedents that does not say, but implies that killing a few people here or there is fine as long as you hide is sufficiently. And given the sexual pleasure gained by feeding on a human, you might as well do it while you’re fucking, right?

This is hardly a rule, but it a very real societal danger I’d be remiss not to warn you of. Vampires can be sexy, charming, and, as demonstrated, dynamite in the sack, but there will always be a predatory element to them. Even the basest level non-human sexual partner carries a share of dangers foreign entirely to a human one. Not to say mundane misogyny has never killed anyone, but when you couple it with a supernatural thirst for your blood and overwhelming physical power …

Now, that’s not me being a prude and saying “don’t fuck vampires.” Even while I write this, I am STILL feeling very enjoyable shivers from the treatment Thomas gave me, and a sliver of guilt at dusting him when I could probably have just left. But I didn’t get this waiver signed by the Council not to make a point! No, by all means, the future of human/vampire relations is in understanding. Most vampires turned recently understand that, so do even quite a few older men. And if you swing that way, vampire women tend to be much safer. They aren’t actually less dangerous, but there are less sociological factors that tell them to treat you like meat outside of a strictly kinky, fun way. I would have started this blog with Billy, honestly, so I could show you what safe, satisfying vampire sex looks like (very, very satisfying … come home soon, baby!), but she’s out of the country dealing with Council business indefinitely. Hopefully, we’ll be able to have her back soon! Love to show you guys what a real vampire can do. And Elwood’s girlfriend wouldn’t have taken too kindly to me asking for his help, which, no, I get it.

So, with that, we should consider vampires’ validity as sexual partners for not a professional such as myself, but a baseline human with no supernatural defenses.

Summary-

Species: Vampire (Male)

Impetus: Sapient

Capture Risk: **

It’s not unheard of for vampires to sire in order to build harems, but most just find it to be a hassle. Blood donors are usually employed rather than captured as, again, it’s just too big a risk of exposure if something goes sideways. It’s a present risk, but hardly a big one.

Consumption Risk: ***

I would go so far as to say male vampires have a significant consumption risk. You will almost definitely be fed off, the only question is about their intentions. This does require a great deal of caution, but is hardly guaranteed to be serious and can be worked around if careful.

Emotional Connectivity: ****

While certain environmental factors do knock the male vampire down a peg as a potential romantic partner, the fact of the matter is that a lot of them are just like human men. Yes, the patriarchy has done some messed-up shit, but especially today, more people are aware of it and trying to be their best selves. That goes for the undead community as well. Additionally, these attitudes usually do not carry over to female vampires, and a serious commitment can lead to siring if you and your vampire partner are truly devoted to each other.

Impregnation Risk: *

Vampires of all sexes are entirely sterile. While myths abound about half-vampires and the like, fact of the matter is that all dhampirs are results of arcane experimentation with a tremendous amount of intentionality, leading to an unstable pregnancy that is quite easy to terminate (just don’t drink a bunch of blood, they can’t feed on you yet). There is virtually no risk of impregnating or being impregnated by a vampire.

Lethal Risk: ***

Despite the attempted **** I just experienced, it’s not actually all that hard to ensure your safety. First off, most vampires don’t want to kill you. It’s a lot of work to cover up, it’s a huge risk to their freedom, and, honestly, most of them just don’t want to kill people they’re fond of. Second, precautions are many and often easily-accessible. Sex during the day where you have access to a means to quickly expose the room to sunlight can be good, though most vampires who agree to that are either extremely **** or weren’t going to drain you, anyway. However, faking the sudden appearance of sunlight with hidden UV lamps can often surprise a vampiric partner stepping over the line long enough to escape. Be aware, vampires are damaged by the metaphysical properties of sunlight, UV light will not actually hurt them. A weapon nearby, such as an incendiary hand grenade, can be a good dead man’s switch, but bringing a live explosive device into the bedroom offers at least as many dangers as the problems you’d have aiming a stake mid-coitus. In my experience, video recording and off-site storage, made known after agreeing upon interest in intercourse, but before engaging in it, is the best way to ensure your safety. Thomas thought my auto-chronicler would be easy to dispose of with my body, which it would have been if I’d given him the chance. Traditional, digital recordings can bring the fury of the Night Council down on vampires who’d risk exposure and are way more of a pain in the ass to ensure the destruction of. Just be sure you delete evidence thereafter. The Night Council isn’t more forgiving on humans who show video evidence of their people. (for those worried for my safety, proper paperwork has been drawn up, I’m at no risk; measures have been taken to ensure vampire hunters can’t benefit from information displayed here, but I’m not at liberty to reveal how)

Satisfaction: ***

I mean, that felt like a **** when I was doing it, but that was largely the added * from the fact I’m super-into bloodplay with vampires. Honestly, to an irresponsible degree. For most encounters, you’re looking at a human level of skill with enhanced physiology most people simply find very stimulating to experience. A notable edge on humans from the base, and like most sapient non-humans, always room to grow with honest partners.

Sexual Aggression: ***

The same I’d give you for a human guy, honestly. While vampires are more likely to kill you on average, statistics suggest that they’re no more likely to sexually **** someone than their mortal counterparts. That is to say, frighteningly likely, but still no more than anyone you’re going to pick up at a bar. Take the same precautions, choose your partner carefully, and if you do survive **** by a vampire, be sure to report them to law enforcement. While they’re often pathetically incompetent at ensuring justice, mentions of vampiric behavior should alert Night Council operatives to the indiscretion, and they have a less tolerant view of sexual predation than human authorities do.

Overall Score: ***

Simply put, it’s like dating normal men: avoid serial killers. This sounds like a joke, but the same kinds of red flags are, by and large, what you watch out for. The additional risk is due to their abilities, which can be neutralized by adequate preparation as listed above. If you’re looking for a good non-human to start out with, I would recommend finding a local vampire hangout and spending some time there getting to know people. If you’re a known element, vampires with designs on your life are less likely to approach you in the first place since most vampires as a whole wouldn’t hesitate to point out their indiscretions to the Council. Even real bastards in the vampire community can often want other thrill killers removed from play for political or practical reasons. With Thomas, I pretty much found the first bangable vampire I could, which is not, I repeat, is NOT what an amateur human monster fucker should be doing! So, stay safe out there.