“I have a plan — and it involves you.”

“I have a plan,” says Xabar, “and it’s a good one. You might as well start thanking me now for including you in it.”

“Me? Oh no, Xabar. You are not involving me in this. I’m just days from graduating, and if you screw that up for me, my parents will never forgive me. I’m staying right here, no matter what you have planned.”

Xabar looks mournful. “Wow. That really pains me, Hager. I never thought you’d be so selfish — especially where Monica is concerned. But hey, it’s your life. If you want to forget about any future with her, I guess that’s your business.”

Hager looks sharply at his friend. “Monica? What’s she got to do with this?”

Xabar knew his friend had been obsessed with their classmate from the first day at the Academy. The fact that she was way out of his league didn’t deter Hager from taking every opportunity to hit on her, though, in spite of spectacularly failing to get even a single date from her in all that time.

“No,” replied Xabar. “You’ve made up your mind. Who am I to try to get you to change it?”

“Shut up, Xabar. You’ve got my attention, so come out with it. What’s this have to do with Monica?”

“Well, I don’t know if you heard, but her roommate, Clarice, had to drop out.”

“Yeah, I heard,” said Hager. “They say she came down with mono, but I have it on good authority that she is ‘with child.’” He held up two fingers of each hand and flexed them in the air as he said the last two words.

“I don’t know what those little bunny ears are supposed to mean,” said Xabar. “Are you saying she is with a bunch of little bunnies?”

“They’re not bunny ears! They’re quotation marks. I was using a dramatic device.”

“Oh.... Because that really didn’t make any sense. Why would she drop out of school because she has bunnies? I know they have rules about having pets in the dorms, but everyone knew Rosco Coulter had that guinea pig and no one said anything about it. That is, until he was caught practicing ‘animal husbandry’ with it.” Xabar drew quotation marks in the air to emphasize his words. Realizing what he did, his eyebrows went up, and he said, “You’re right — it makes a lot more sense to think of that gesture as quotation marks! I’m going to have to go back and revisit a lot of heretofore-confusing conversations.”

“What about Clarice?” asked Hager, fighting to keep his patience. These types of rabbit trails were common when conversing with Xabar.

“Oh yeah... Clarice. Well, as it turns out, it has nothing to do with little bunnies. Unless you want to say that ‘the rabbit died.’” He drew quotation marks again and smiled. “This is rather fun! I’m going to have to remember that!”

“Xabar....” Hager’s tone suggested his patience was nearing an end.

“Right. Well, anyway, she’s preggo. Knocked up. She’s got a bun in the oven.”

“I know what that means, Xabar. That’s what I was trying to tell you.”

“Oh... Well, you should have just come out and said it, instead of making me ‘jump through hoops.’”

“Will you please stop making quotation marks in the air? You’re not even doing it right! Anyway, what’s this got to do with Monica?”

“Well, I have it on good authority that Clarice’s little love spawn is the result of her unholy coupling with Cyrus Riggins.”

“The Potions professor?” asked Hager. “What could she possibly see in him? The man is pure evil!”

“Just because he wouldn’t show you how to make a potion that would make your teeth magically whiten and sparkle.”

“It’s not just that,” said Hager, defensively. “But besides that, what’s that got to do with Monica?”

“Well, because of that, I understand Riggins has been placed on administrative leave.”

“Again, Xabar, what’s that got to do with Monica?”

“Isn’t it obvious? She, better than anyone here, would know how her former roommate managed to sneak out, unobserved, and hook up with Riggins. My guess is that they were using his office to ‘mix their potions.’”

Hager rolled his eyes at Xabar’s latest attempt at air quotes. “So that’s what this is all about? You think Monica is going to help you break into Professor Riggins’ office — for what? Are you going to steal his potions?”

“You forgot to draw quotation marks in the air when you said ‘steal.’ It makes it look like you mean that literally. I like to think of it as ‘borrow, without being in any hurry to give them back.’ Besides, Riggins is suspended, and once Clarice pops out Riggins, Jr., and it is proven that he has been dipping his wand in the pool of students, he won’t be back, so he’ll never miss anything.”

Hager sat back and shook his head. He had no idea how his friend concocted all these crazy schemes. “And what makes you think Monica is going to help you? She won’t even talk to you, ever since she caught you trying to look up her skirt.”

“Oh, don’t you believe it! She was so coming on to me! If she didn’t want me to see her goods, she would have been a lot more selective about where she lifted her skirt.”

“She was in the ladies’ restroom, Xabar. She didn’t know you were hiding in the ventilation system.”

“If that’s what you choose to believe to help yourself cope with the fact that your crush totally wants me, I won’t pull you from your fantasy world,” replied Xabar. “Besides, she isn’t going to help me. She’s going to help you.”

“Me? Why would she help me? I’ve been trying to get her to acknowledge my existence for years. Why would she help me now?”

Xabar reaches into his pocket and holds the contents in his hand. “Because of this.”

Hager looks in Xabar’s hand and says, “Hey! That’s my pocket knife! I’ve been looking all over for that!”

Xabar looks in his hand in surprise and puts the knife back in his pocket. “Sorry.... wrong pocket.” He reaches into the pocket on the other side and withdraws a small vial. Hager takes it from his hand.

“What is this?” he asks.