(Chapter III.I) The Dark Mercenaries

The townspeople are getting worried. The merchants, who come around every month to set up market, are more than a week late. This has happened before; sometimes there’s foul weather or bandits. But it’s been more than that. The Imperial messengers, due to come every week, have not been seen for nearly three. And the tax collector is late. The tax collector is never late.

Rumours are flying about the town. Prostitutes whisper of the undead roaming the countryside. Old hags suspect that the Empress may have been deposed. You gossip about whether the rapper Snoop the Canine Minstrel has lost his touch in his latest EP Caninestyle, but nobody seems to care.

At any rate, you know fully well that this all just that. Rumours. After all, how could a noble Paladin possibly be misinformed about something?

Thus, you spend your days roaming the countryside, picking berries and saving the occasional Maiden from a Maiden Thief. Life is good. You’re getting as much fresh maiden pussy as you could want (who knew that there were so many maidens about! Wasn’t this supposed to be a small medieval town? Actually, now that you think about it, you might have saved some of the same maidens more than a few times. Might have. You’ve never been great at matching names to faces, not that you’ve ever even asked for a name), and ever since you levelled up that one time, you find yourself more motivated to go out and beat-up bad guys than ever.

This has resulted in you collecting a prodigious amount of experience, so much so that you’re pretty sure you have gained more than you did last time to level up, and yet, you still have not levelled up. This makes you very sad. Either his Holiness Nicholas Cage is very busy with his birds, or the function of levels in experience is super-linear, and neither is a particularly good outcome for a devout, straight man such as yourself.

As you kneel at the altar of the town church, wondering what you could have possibly done to deserve such a cruel and unyielding world, a bright light suddenly shines down from above. This time, the orchestra sounds like it’s composed exclusively of brass horns, and the fanfare is loud enough that you leap up to your feet, about to run away, when the voice sounds:

DO NOT FEAR, FOR IT IS I, NICHOLAS CAGE the voice booms. I HAVE BEEN WATCHING YOU. WELL, NOT WHILE YOU ARE SLEEPING ALONE, BECAUSE THAT WOULD BE A VIOLATION OF YOUR PRIVACY, AND NOT WHILE YOU ARE SLEEPING WITH OTHERS, BECAUSE IT’S ALWAYS TOO FAST FOR ME TO CATCH, BUT I HAVE BEEN PAYING ATTENTION TO YOU.

“You… you have, Lord Cage?” you ask, voice only stuttering slightly.

YES, AND I RECENTLY NOTICED THAT YOU PROBABLY DESERVE TO BE LEVELLED UP AGAIN. SO HERE YOU GO, TAKE ANOTHER LEVEL, the voice cries out. You feel the surge of power rushing through you again, and it feels good. However, you are also a bit disappointed, because it doesn’t feel like you got any new powers.

YEAH THOSE YOU’LL HAVE TO ACTUALLY EARN FOR YOURSELF the voice says. COME BACK, JIMMY, COME BACK!

“Sorry, what?” you ask, not quite following this latest development.

SORRY, PET BIRD FLEW AWAY. JIMBO IS BACK IN HIS CAGE NOW THOUGH, NOT TO WORRY. ANYWAYS, AS I WAS SAYING, YOU’LL HAVE TO EARN NEW POWERS IF YOU’RE GOING TO WANT THEM.

“But I’ve… I’ve done your holy duty! Killed many maiden thieves! What more could you want?” You are not frustrated with Nicholas Cage, because that would be unreasonable, nobody gets frustrated with god, but you are a little… peeved.

WELL, THERE IS A THREAT OUT THERE, CONNECTED TO THE MAIDEN THIEVES. I WANT YOU TO STOP THEM, the voice booms.

“So, who are they? How do I find them? Show me the way, Lord Cage!”

THAT YOU MUST DO ALONE, the voice says. BUT I WILL TELL YOU THEIR NAME, FOR WITHOUT IT YOU MAY GET CONFUSED. THEY ARE KNOWN AS… THE DARK MERCENARIES